The latest news…

Fri

20

Apr

2018

Unruly Rudy Giuliani Joins Trump's Team of Bulldogs In Vain Effort to Stay in Office

It beats the hell out of us here at AP as to how Donald Trump gets anything done — although as Apocryphal Press fans know, he hasn’t done anything good since January 20, 2017.

 

Trump simply doesn’t get the separation of powers in this country.

 

He spends at least half his time lambasting anybody who disagrees with him, especially his former close personal friend, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, or the FBI, led by Christopher Wray, whom Trump picked to run that formerly independent agency.

 

He greatly envies Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping, as they don’t have to trifle with such inconvenient things as term limits (however, we have previously reported that he fully intends to serve a third term).

 

Now that Trump’s Fixer-in-Chief, lawyer Michael Cohen, is thinking about flipping and spilling the beans to prosecutors to protect his butt, Trump has hired former US Attorney and failed presidential candidate (and fellow loudmouth) Rudy Giuliani, a New Yorker (and you know what that means!) to help him defend himself from Robert Mueller III ((https://www.politico.com/story/2018/04/19/giuliani-to-join-trump-legal-team-538371).

 

Giuliani used to be a Democrat; then he became an Independent; but since the 1980s, he’s been a gawp (GOP). He really really wanted Trump to name him as his Secretary of State or Attorney General, but Trump went for his fellow xenophobe, Jeff Sessions, for AG, and we know what happened to Rex Tillerson — the guy who wanted to shrink the State Department to almost nothing (and CIA Director Mike Pompeo is going to have a really hard time getting himself confirmed…).

 

General Alexander Haig was Richard Nixon’s chief of staff, and he also served as Gerald Ford’s chief of staff. Haig was Ronald Reagan’s Secretary of State; and, in 1981, following the March 30 assassination attempt by John Hinckley, Haig told reporters, “I am in control here” when Reagan was hospitalized (Reagan was inaugurated for the first time on January 20, 1981.)

 

Rudy Giuliani ran for President as a Republican in 1988.

 

Trump is clearly incapacitated. Just ask associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, as well as anybody who watches television.

 

ASR Lewis Thompson III, who very clearly remembers Haig’s 1981 “I am in control” remark, spoke, moments ago, with associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones.

 

Jones is in frequent contact with Mike Pence’s chief of staff, Nick Ayers. Only three minutes ago, Jones asked Ayers how ready Pence is to take over.

 

“Shoulda happened a long time ago, Johanna.”

 

“But everybody who works in the White House is scared s_____ s__s of Trump. These days, nobody would ever walk in front of a White House camera and say ’'I’m in control whenever Trump has a meltdown.’"

 

“But don’t tell anybody I said that!”

 

“After all, don’t forget, I’m only 35, and I sure as hell don’t wanna lose my job."

 

Thu

19

Apr

2018

Raul Castro Tells San Antonio's Castro Twins That They are Fidel's Illegitimate Sons; Cornyn et al. Are Not So Sure About Trump in 2020

86-year-old Raul Castro is still in charge of Cuba’s Communist Party, even though he just turned over the government to 57-year old electrical engineer Miguel Díaz-Canel.

 

Our chief international correspondent and associate solitary reporter Larry Theis (who is fluent in Spanish and numerous other languages, including Mongolian, Belarusian, Chechen, Georgian, and Swahili) interviewed Raul this morning. “Raul, mi viejo amigo, tienes solo 86  años, entonces, qué siege en tu futuro?"  ("Raul, old buddy, you're only 86, so what comes next for you in your life?”)

 

Tengo algo que decirles a los hermanos Castro en San Antonio” (“I have something to say to the Castro brothers in San Antonio”).

 

Raul was referring to 43 year old Joaquin Castro, a Democratic Congressman from San Antonio, and his twin brother, Julian Castro, who was mayor of San Antonio and then President Obama’s Secretary of Housing and Community Development. Hillary almost tapped Julian as her running mate in 2016.

 

Entonces, qué quieres decir a Julian y Joaquin?” ("So what do you want to say to the Castro brothers?”)

 

Voy a decirles que son los hijos secretos de Fidel” (I’m gonna tell them that they are Fidel’s illegitimate sons.”)

 

As Raul hobbled off the plane at Washington National Airport with Theis, he immediately spotted Joaquin as he was fleeing the District of Columbia. 

 

No puedo tolerar estar en el Washington de Trump! Esta completamente loco y esta arruinando nuestro país!” (“I can’t stand being in Trump’s Washington any more! He’s completely crazy and he’s ruining our country!”)

 

Wasting no time, Raul told Joaquin about his parentage.

 

Adivinia qué?" the Congressman said. "Siempre me pregunté porqué quería ir a Cuba y mata a ese tipo.”  (“I always wondered why I wanted to go to Cuba and kill that guy.”)

 

In other news, the Lone Star State’s senior senator, John Cornyn, and other GOP Members of Congress, are wondering out loud whether they can support Trump when he runs for reelection in 2020.(https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/19/politics/congress-republicans-trump-second-term/index.html).

 

What Sen. Cornyn fails to grasp is that well before then, Trump will be gone.

 

Ask McConnell.

 

Wed

18

Apr

2018

Why Trump Filed for an Extension on His Taxes; Plus, CNN's Gloria Borger Gives Him a New Title: Lawyer-in-Chief

It’s a taxing day, especially for Donald Trump, who filed for an extension to file his taxes, just so he can continue to deny the American people access to his income tax returns. And that’s because he doesn’t want them to know about his acquisitiveness, and other qualities.

 

Trump’s had many problems finding lawyers to defend him. That’s why CNN’s Gloria Borger has a new title for him: Lawyer-in-Chief (https://www.cnn.com/2018/04/18/politics/trump-lawyer-in-chief/index.html).

 

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones congratulated Borger for her perceptiveness.

 

Tue

17

Apr

2018

Hannity, Huckabee Sanders To Trade Places

Donald Trump is trying to figure out how best to pardon his Fixer-in-Chief, Michael Cohen, who is about to be disbarred as well as incarcerated.

 

He’s already pardoned Scooter Libby, Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff, for his role in outing undercover CIA agent Valerie Place.

 

Trump calls Cohen “a good man.”

 

Yesterday, US District Court Judge Kimba Wood caused Trump a great deal of worry because she made Cohen ‘fess up and admit that he has more than two clients.

 

One of Cohen’s clients is a former RNC Deputy Campaign Chairman who skillfully impregnated a woman to whom he was not married. And Cohen helped with the payments.

 

The other one turns out to be Trump’s close personal friend, Sean Hannity. It was Hannity and Trump, working hand in hand, who created the birther movement, which, largely because Barack Obama is black and a Democrat, claimed that Mr. Obama was not born in the United States.

 

Sean Spicer was Trump’s first press secretary. On July 21, Trump replaced him with former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee’s loudmouth daughter, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the most prominent graduate of Ouachita Baptist University.

 

As Trump’s press secretary, Huckabee Sanders has become well known for her facility in deftly cutting off White House correspondents swiftly and without mercy. Associate solitary reporter Chris Colton describes her as the most skillful of all White House press secretaries in verbally humiliating any reporters who cross her.

 

Hannity, a nutcase with a lot of power (does that remind you of anybody else who has power?), promptly announced on his daily rant show yesterday that he had never made any agreement between himself and Cohen which would even remotely resemble a lawyer-client relationship.

 

Seems that the fun is just beginning.

 

Huckabee Sanders loves her job, which involves, among other things, confronting, on a daily basis, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones.

 

Early this morning, Jones, who has an unlimited capacity for discerning the innermost secret desires of anyone associated with Trumpism, managed to worm out of Huckabee Sanders the startling admission that though she loves defending Trump, she’d really rather be paid a lot more money for being an anchor on Fox News.

 

Which is why, moments ago, 21st Century Fox’s biggie, Rupert Murdoch, appeared in the Oval Office with Trump, as that dynamic duo announced that Huckabee Sanders will, beginning tomorrow, anchor what used to be known as the Sean Hannity Show, as Hannity will take over Huckabee Sanders’ duties as Trump’s mouthpiece.

 

“I am so glad,” Trump said, “that Sarah will be representing me and all my views on Fox News, while Sean will, every day, be tormenting all the White House reporters who make my life miserable."

 

In other news, Trump held a rally in West Virginia and spent most of his time denouncing his own appointee to the Supreme Court, Neil Gorsuch, for disagreeing with his plan to deport all immigrants (see  https://www.politico.com/story/2018/04/17/immigration-ruling-gorsuch-528749).

 

Mon

16

Apr

2018

After Comey Says Trump Is "Morally Unfit to be President," Trump Appeals to Rev. Jerry Falwell Jr.

Yesterday, fired FBI Director James Comey was interviewed by ABC’s George Stephanopoulos.

 

In the interview, Comey said, among other things which grabbed headlines overnight, that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be president."

 

Comey’s blockbuster book, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership, will be released tomorrow. It’s been a bestseller for weeks now.

 

As most people know, just about the only television that Trump watches is Fox and Friends. He holds no brief for ABC, and certainly not CNN. When the mainstream media cross him, he tells his senior aides that the First Amendment should be repealed.

 

His top fixer, Michael Cohen, is the subject of an intense search warrant approved by a federal judge. That led to a total meltdown in the Oval Office, with pundits all over our nation anticipating a complete implosion.

 

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump after the Stephanopoulos interview when Chief of Staff John Kelly briefed him on those matters closest and dearest to him, namely, whether anybody likes him, as well as the moral morass, much worse than anybody’s Swamp, into which he wades every day.

 

“John, send my best helicopter down to Lynchburg to get Jerry Falwell Junior here right away.”

 

Moments later, Falwell, the president of Liberty University, the world’s largest evangelical university, walked into the Oval Office and genuflected.

 

Falwell is the son of the late Jerry Falwell Senior, who founded the Moral Majority.

 

“Jerry,” Trump began, “that lying cur, Comey, says I’m morally unfit to be sitting here.”

 

“So I’m appealing to you as one of my best political and personal friends, to tell me what I already know, namely, that I am morally pure.”

 

Falwell invited Trump to pray with him.

 

“Lord, we beseech you to look deep into your servant Donald’s heart.”

 

“Cleanse him and heal him, and bring all his enemies to the ground.”

 

“Smite all who oppose him, smite everyone who denounces him.”

 

Falwell’s prayer went on interminably for another 15 minutes.

 

“Jerry, I’m gonna make you the first Secretary of Religion.”

 

“There is no wall between Church and State.”

 

“The only Wall I’m interested in is my Wall on our southern border.”

 

Smiling beatifically, Falwell immediately met with Trump’s legislative liaison, Marc Short, to begin preparations for his confirmation hearing.