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Wed

26

Apr

2017

Kushner Reads to Uncomprehending Trump from Hamlet; Ivanka Flees to Her Mother's Birthplace

Poor Donald Trump. He just can’t get no satisfaction or respect from the federal judiciary. Yesterday, he once again fulminated against a federal judge. This time, it was Judge William Orrick in San Francisco, who issued a nationwide injunction against a Trumpian executive order whose purpose was to eliminate funding from “sanctuary cities” — whatever they are. Politico’s Christiano Lima summed it all up in his article of today, “White House slams 'egregious’ ruling on sanctuary cities." And Louis Nelson took up the same subject in his Politico article, “Trump attacks judiciary for blocking order on sanctuary cities."

 

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was close by when Trump told his press lackey, Sean Spicer, to condemn Judge Orrick as “an unelected judge [who] unilaterally rewrote immigration policy for our nation.”

 

Trump doesn’t read much (he probably can’t even read his own tweets), so he probably has never read Hamlet, which is why he wondered what his son-in-law and principal adviser, Jared Kushner, was doing when he pulled out his copy of Shakespeare and read the speech of the gravedigger in Act V, Scene I, when the gravedigger tells Hamlet that he has just unearthed the skull of Yorick, and then Hamlet tells Horatio that Yorick was “a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times…” At which point Trump, who doesn’t like to listen to other people, promptly said, “Damn straight! That  so-called judge Orrick sure as hell is on my back! Tell Paul Ryan to get him impeached!"

 

Elsewhere, Trump's daughter, Ivanka Kushner, having been hissed and booed at a women’s conference in Berlin, instead of coming home to Washington, took a quick trip to the Moravian town of Zlin, where her mother, Ivana Zelníčková, was born. Though Ivanka speaks practically no Czech (her mother’s first language), Ivanka told the pilot of her private plane as it landed in Prague, “Since women in Europe brushed me off, booing and hissing me in Berlin like that, evidently they have different standards of politeness in Europe. They are so much more polite in America, where my daddykins was always so sweet to me."

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Tue

25

Apr

2017

Le Pen Exposes Trump's False Front

Marine Le Pen is the candidate of the National Front (Le Front National) in the French presidential election, and, if she can defeat Emmanuel Macron on May 7, she will become the president of France. She is universally considered to be the candidate of the extreme right, even though she is trying her best to waffle herself out of that critique, just to get elected.

 

France and Germany were the main architects of the European Union. But she wants to take France out of the European Union. That's why France’s election on May 7 is being so closely watched.

 

Marine Le Pen’s Front National was founded by rightist French nationalist, pro-monarchy extremists disappointed by Charles de Gaulle’s abandonment of his promise of holding on to French Algeria. Front National co-founder Jean-Marie Le Pen, Marine’s father, served in the Algerian war as an intelligence officer. Jean-Marie Le Pen’s Front National was always anti-immigrant and anti-Muslim, and Jean-Marie Le Pen has always been not only anti-Semitic but also a Holocaust denier, and he became known in France as “The Devil of the Republic” to his millions of detractors, and as the “last samurai” to his supporters.

 

In 2015, Marine Le Pen, his youngest daughter, expelled him from the Front National as part of her efforts to make her party more mainstream, to enhance her prospects of winning the presidency.

 

Yesterday, moments after Donald Trump endorsed Marine Le Pen (see yesterday’s post), she, putting on her best front, turned the tables on him. Our chief European correspondent, Larry Theis, was with Le Pen during these boring developments.

 

So when Trump, a well-known Islamaphobe, endorsed Marine, she denounced him, as Theis observed her closely.

 

“Donnie,” she yelled, insulting him even more so by using the diminutive form of address, "Tu n’est qu’un cochon! Tu es ignorant, tu ne sais rien, la plupart des Américains sont bruts, mais tu es le plus brut Américain que j’ai jamais vu! En réalité, ton front est complètement faux!” (“You’re nothing but a pig! You are ignorant, you don’t know anything, most Americans are really boorish, but you are the most boorish American I have ever seen! To tell you the truth, your front is completely false!"

 

His feelings deeply hurt, Trump called Defense Secretary James Mattis and CIA Director Mike Pompeo, and said, “Send my Tomahawk missiles to Marine Le Pen and take her out.”

 

But associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones and Theis tipped Marine off and sent her off to spend the rest of her days in Half Tree Hollow on St. Helena, an extremely remote British island in the South Atlantic, where Napoleon spent his last days. This ensures that centrist Emmanuel Macron will succeed the wildly unpopular François Hollande.

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Mon

24

Apr

2017

Trump to Campaign for Le Pen

France’s Donald Trump, Marine Le Pen, claimed victory yesterday, even though she came in second to newbie politician Emmanuel Macron.

 

If she is elected president of France in 13 days, Le Pen wants to take France out of the European Union, forbid the hijab, and close its borders to Muslims.

 

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump as he watched the election returns from Paris with his son-in-law, Jared Kushner.

 

“Who the hell is Emmanuel Macron? I wanted Le Pen to win outright, and she only came in second! Who the hell do the French voters think they are?” Trump yelled to Kushner.

 

“Dad,” Kushner replied, “Emmanuel Macron was an investment banker, so you shouldn’t dismiss him out of hand. Not only that, he founded En Marche!, a centrist political movement, only a year ago; and you founded The Donald!, the most spectacular political movement this country has ever seen. Before getting into politics, he had never been elected to anything, just like you. He used to be a Socialist, and you used to be a Democrat.”

 

“But Marine hates Muslims, and Macron says he doesn’t. He would keep letting them in to France, even after all those terrorist attacks in France that were done by Muslims."

 

“Dad, I have been reluctant to mention this to you before, but sometimes in politics it’s not always black and white, there are grays.”

 

For once, Trump was quiet and listened for 30 seconds, until the phone rang and Le Pen was on the phone, begging him to come to France and campaign for her.

 

Trump immediately accepted, as Le Pen prepared a gigantic hero’s welcome for him.

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Sat

22

Apr

2017

For Earth Day, Trump Replaces Pruitt with Gore

THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE — A virtual civil war has been going on in the West Wing between ultranationalist Steve Bannon, on the one hand, and Donald Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, on the other. Bannon’s been losing out.

 

After November 8 and before January 20, Kushner’s wife, Ivanka, arranged a meeting between her father at Trump Tower and Al Gore, who received more popular votes in the presidential election of 2000 than did Bush Two. Gore’s environmental activism, as illustrated in the film An Inconvenient Truth, based on his book, An Inconvenient Truth: the Planetary Emergency of Global Warming and What We Can Do About It, won him the Nobel Prize for Peace, which he shared with the Intergovernmental Panel On Climate Change, in 2007.

 

Trump will soon pass the 100 day mark, as an occupant of the White House, with no legislative victories. He is the least ideological occupant of the White House in modern memory, but he did campaign on a platform of restoring the coal industry to financial health at the expense of clean air. But Kushner, who is not stupid, is well aware that his father-in-law has approval ratings which reveal him to be the least popular occupant of the White House in modern history as of the first few months of his term.

 

So, in yet another astonishing development, Kushner and Ivanka met with Trump yesterday, with associate solitary reporter Joanna Jones as a silent observer.

 

“Sir,” Kushner began, “Tomorrow is Earth Day.”

 

“I don’t like Earth Day. The main purpose of the earth is to put buildings on so I can do bigly deals”

 

"Ivanka is very concerned about climate change.”

 

“That’s right, Daddy."

 

“I know, Honey.”

 

“When you picked Scott Pruitt to run the EPA,” Kushner continued, "that was a deliberate choice on your part to stick it to the environmentalists.”

 

“Damn straight.”

 

“Ivanka and I were talking things over when we were skiing in Aspen, and we were so enthralled by the beauty of the Colorado mountains, and we got to talking about how Pruitt’s policies will accelerate global warming so that by the time your grandchildren go to college, much of the Arctic and much of Antarctica will be gone, and the skiing in Aspen will be nonexistent.”

 

Trump listened for once.

 

“Sir, Pruitt is from Oklahoma where everybody is already a Republican. Find him another job like, for example, make him ambassador to the UK or something, and then show all your critics that you are a flexible leader, and replace Pruitt with Gore.”

 

This came as a considerable shock to Trump, but in the end, after deliberating on the matter, Trump called Gore and offered him the EPA job, and Gore immediately fell out of his chair in astonishment.

 

Gore then called Bill Clinton, who laughed his best down-home Arkansas laugh and said, “Al, I never thought I’d see the day. Now you need to go back to Washington, send Pruitt packing to London, and get down to work. But watch out for Bannon. He’s really a fascist.”

 

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Fri

21

Apr

2017

Why Putin's Warplanes Are Buzzing Alaska; Italy Denies Bill O'Reilly's Request for Political Asylum

For the fourth day in a row, Russian military aircraft have been spotted flying off the coast of Alaska.

 

As reported by CNN, the two most recent sightings occurred late Wednesday and yesterday, with the first involving two IL-38 maritime patrol aircraft, and the second involving two TU-95 nuclear-capable Bear bombers. The Russian aircraft never entered US airspace, but American and Canadian jets performed appropriate intercepts.

 

Our Moscow correspondent, associate solitary reporter Foma Khoroshonsky, asked Vladimir Putin’s Minister of Defence, Sergei Shoygu, why Putin is engaging in such provocative behavior.

 

“I’m so glad you asked," Shoygu said. "We Russians do not appreciate Donald Trump’s attacks on our Syrian ally.”

 

“We are very pleased that Crimea is now part of Russia; and Alaska used to be part of Russia as well. I just sent those planes to gather intelligence for our invasion. Our first target will be Elmendorf Air Force Base, in Anchorage.”

 

“It is very clear to us that the United Staes has a bleak future. Look for Russia to continue expanding our empire this year.”

 

Elsewhere, Bill O’Reilly, fired by Fox News as he was returning from his vacation in Italy, has asked Italian Prime Minister Paolo Gentiloni Silveri for political asylum, but a spokesman for the Prime Minister immediately issued a statement saying “Assolutamente no!"

 

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