The latest news…

Tue

23

Jul

2019

The UK's Next PM Is An American, and Many Consequences Flow From That

Boris Johnson and Donald Trump have several things in common. They were both born in New York City and both were born into wealth. Both are boorish. But there’s one big difference: Boris Johnson has a history of having been elected to high office, which Donald Trump never had until disaster struck in the US on November 8, 2016.

 

Back to their similarities: Boris’ hairdo and Donald’s both deserve comment, but Boris’ is much more authentic. Boris doesn’t need a hairdryer, he just likes his hair to be rumpled, and messy, just like his politics.

 

The USA and the UK are both supposed to be united, but neither of them is. And each of them bears a major share of the responsibility for that.

 

You may wonder whether the man who’s about to have control of his country’s nukes has a Russian name. Well, that’s because his parents had a friend named Boris who was a Russian emigre.

 

Our London-based associate solitary reporter, Danielle Packwood, spoke with Johnson a few minutes ago, and she asked him to rescind Brexit, of which he was a leading proponent.

 

“Don’t be silly, Danielle,” he said. “We are an island and we insist on going it alone. Sure enough, economic disaster is about to happen here, but at least the bureaucrats in Brussels won’t have anything to do with it.”

 

Then our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, asked Johnson whether he thinks the UK and the USA still have a special relationship.

 

Johnson, known for his quick wit, replied, saying, “Larry, what’s really important to know, is that Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels have a special relationship and, frankly, I’m glad they do, because Donald should have anything he wants.”

 

“But if you want to know whether Donald and I will get along, of course the answer is yes, and that’s because we both thrive on our grandiosity.”

 

Very impertinently, ASR Packwood asked Johnson if he plans to flee to America (because he’s an American citizen), when he fails to pull off Brexit.

 

Once again, Johnson had a quick response: “Sure, Danielle, Trump’s already told me that when they expel me from the UK, he has a very safe underground refuge all ready for me in Virginia, in the beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains, in the luxurious underground bunkers below Mount Weather. That’s where the top military and civilian leaders of the US take refuge when the apocalypse happens."

 

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones confirmed that the first thing Trump said when he called Trump to congratulate him on his becoming the Leader of the Conservative Party was to assure him that anytime he needs to be safe from the Queens’s justifiably angry subjects, he has a first class room waiting for him at Mount Weather.

Mon

22

Jul

2019

Two Perps, Epstein and Nader; Meet the British Socialite Who Connected Epstein With Trump

Donald Trump’s superwealthy friend Jeffrey Epstein is in jail after a judge rightly decided that he’s a flight risk as he prepares to be proven guilty of sex trafficking and serious abuse of minors.

 

Epstein was connected to Trump by British heiress Ghislaine Maxwell (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/07/21/jeffrey-epstein-trump-clinton-1424120).

 

A key witness in Robert Mueller’s investigation is George Nader, and he’s in trouble too over sexual abuse allegations: https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/19/politics/george-nader-child-porn-sex-charges/index.html.

 

Nader (not related to Ralph Nader) was born in Lebanon, and he has often served as a backchannel guy who offers to connect UAE and other Arab leaders with Trump.

 

When associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman spoke with Nader early this morning, he told her that he’ll be closely observing Mueller’s reluctant Congressional testimony on Wednesday, and that he’ll be happy to turn state’s evidence if only FBI Christopher Wray will listen to him.

 

And our London-based associate solitary reporter, Danielle Packwood, learned only moments ago that Brexit-crazy Boris Johnson has no chance whatesoever of being elected Leader of the Conservative Party.

 

“Jeremy Hunt is a much cooler head,” Packwood told us.

 

Sat

20

Jul

2019

Sultan of Oman Will Dynamite 666 Acres of His Land to Accommodate Trump; Rand Paul's Ambitions

One fifth of the world’s oil supply travels on a daily basis through the narrow and dangerous Strait of Hormuz.

 

On the north side of the Strait is Iran, whose Revolutionary Guard keeps very jealous guard of the strategic passage. Iran just seized a British oil tanker there, and this makes UK Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt and Donald Trump very angry.

 

On the south side of the Strait of Hormuz is Oman, which is ruled by an absolute monarch, 78 year old ابوس بن سعيد آلسعيد (Sultan Qaboos bin Said Al Said).

 

Oman was the first Arab nation to recognize these here United States, way back in 1841, when Martin van Buren was our President.

 

Because Trump rashly ripped up the Iran Nuclear Deal, tensions between Iran and the US have risen to dangerous levels.

 

Our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, who is fluent in Arabic as well as Persian, met with Sultan Qaboos early this morning. Ambassadress Greta Holtz was with Theis and the Sultan.

 

“Mr. Theis,” the Sultan began, “our two nations are close military allies, and to strengthen our entente cordiale, I am offering to Mr. Trump a rare opportunity: I have just ordered the dynamiting of 666 acres of our land immediately adjacent to the Strait of Hormuz.”

 

“That will significantly widen the Strait, and it will make it ever so much easier for oil tankers to avoid the horrendous Revolutionary Guard.”

 

Ambassadress Holtz curtseyed and cabled Secretary of State Mike Pompeo in glowing terms of the success of her longstanding negotiations with the Sultan.

 

Back in Washington, Kentucky’s isolationist junior senator, former ophthalmologist Rand Paul, who has no clear vision at all as to how our nation should deal with other nations, is beaming with pride that Trump has authorized him to speak directly with محمدجواد ظریف (Mohammad Javad Zarif), Iran’s Foreign Minister, who patiently negotiated, with President Obama’s Secretary of State, John Kerry, the nuclear deal that Trump ripped up (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/07/19/rand-paul-iran-trump-1423779).

 

Associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, who covers Congress for us, tells us that Sen. Paul has told her that if Trump survives next year, he expects Trump to name him to replace Mike Pompeo as Secretary of State, since RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel wants Pompeo to run for the Senate to take retiring Sen. Pat Roberts’ seat.

Fri

19

Jul

2019

Why Trump Will Lose Minnesota in 2020; Sleepy Ben Carson Goes After Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti

Donald Trump thinks he can win Minnesota, but he won’t.

 

That’s because Congresswoman Ilhan Omar was greeted by a large and enthusiastic welcome when she recently returned to Minneapolis, which she represents in the House.

 

Later, Trump said that AOC and Rep. Omar believe that America is garbage (https://www.cnn.com/2019/07/19/politics/fact-check-trump-aoc-garbage-omar-jews/index.html).

 

Not true (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/07/19/trump-freshman-congresswomen-media-1422421).

 

Associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman, a longtime and very astute Democratic operative in Montgomery County, Maryland, was busy today.

 

That’s because he became very concerned when he read that Trump’s Housing Secretary, Ben Carson, is cutting off housing funds to Los Angeles on trumped up (pun intended) charges that LA Mayor Eric Garcetti isn’t doing right by disabled people (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/07/19/discrimination-hud-los-angeles-1606093).

 

When Carson woke up, he told Coleman, “Keith, I just do what Mulvaney tells me to do, and then I take my nap, right here in the comfort of my office."

 

Wed

17

Jul

2019

Centennial State's Junior Senator Thinks He Can Win Re-election By Moving Bureau of Land Management HQ to Colorado

Colorado’s junior senator, Republican Cory Gardner, is only 44. And he’s part of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s leadership team.

 

In 2014, he defeated Democratic Senator Mark Udall, an environmentalist who ran a dispirited campaign. Gardner did that mostly by smiling and looking happy. Before that, he represented the Centennial State’s sprawling, conservative 4th Congressional District. Gardner's from Yuma, Colorado, on our state’s Eastern Plains. He defeated incumbent Democrat Betsy Markey for that seat in 2010. In these pages, we have previously described Gardner as a chipmunk disguised as a politician.

 

For years, Gardner has championed the move of the Interior Department’s Bureau of Land Management out of Washington DC to Grand Junction, Colorado, a city of fewer than 60,000. The BLM controls more than 247 million acres of public land, all of it west of the Mississippi River. 

 

On Monday, Gardner gleefully announced that the BLM headquarters will move to Grand Junction, a city only a few miles east of Utah on Colorado’s Western Slope. A few top BLM officials are slated to be the first to move out of our Nation’s Capital. The BLM has 11,621 employees.

 

When associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith asked Gardner how much it will cost to move BLM headquarters from Washington to Grand Junction, he shrugged and said, “Melissa, I don’t care anything about our budget deficit, I just wanna get re-elected. I don’t even like to live in Washington, but I stay here out of loyalty to Senator McConnell and Mr. Trump, even though I voted against him after the Access Holloywood tape came out just before the 2016 election.”

 

“There are twelve members of the Democrat Party running against me,” Gardner reminded ASR Smith, “and eight potential Dems who might run against me, including Superstar Secretary of State Jena Griswold, who’se only 34; she ousted my close personal friend Wayne Williams in 2018." 

 

“They say I’m the most vulnerable Republican in the Senate in 2020, but with my superb victory on moving the BLM to Western Colorado, those Dems don't have a chance, especialy since they’re so fractured."

 

Elsewhere, associate solitary reporter Sophia Kenwood told Massachusetts Cape and Islands District Attorney Michael O’Keefe that he never should have dropped charges against formerly famous actor Kevin Spacey (a.k.a. President Frank Underwood) for assaulting a man in a bar.

 

“#MeToo goes both ways,” Kenwood said.