The latest news…

Mon

20

May

2019

GOP Bad Boy Congressman Justin Amash Would Vote to Impeach Trump, Vows to Tap Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper As His VP

As far as Donald Trump and RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel (Mitt’s niece) are concerned, hyperconservative Republican Congressman Justin Amash is toast.

 

Amash is the first GOP Congressman to state publicly that Trump committed impeachable offenses. He tweeted that Trump’s Attorney General, Wiliam Barr, deliberately misrepresented to Congress and the public about the essential provisions of the Mueller Report (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/05/18/justin-amash-trump-impeachable-mueller-1332780).

 

And Mitt’s got Amash’s back (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/05/19/mitt-romney-justin-amash-impeachment-trump-1332853).

 

Of course, Trump called Amash a loser. The Congressman is the son of a Palestinian Christian father and a Syrian Christian mother, so Trump should like him, but (we almost forgot!) Trump always goes after anybody who crosses him by lashing out.

 

It goes without saying that Nancy Pelosi is one of the all-time most astute Democratic politicans in the late 20th century and this century. Pelosi knows that impeachment is not practical given Mitch’s stranglehold on the Senate. But Pelosi has a highly unruly progressive bunch in her House and they all keep yelling about impeachment.

 

Associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, who covers Congress for us, spoke with Amash a few minutes ago.

 

“Meliisa,” the libertarian Congressman said, “you can’t tell anybody except Tom Perez, but I’m gonna primary Trump. Bill Weld is too old and, at 40, I am young and vigorous.”

 

“Just for the fun of it, Melissa, I’m gonna piss everybody in my party off by threatening to name former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper, a business-oriented Democrat, as my running mate. After all, Hick was seriously flirting with Kasich to be Kasich’s Veep, so why not?”

 

Aides to Hickenlooper immediately ran for cover.

 

Sat

18

May

2019

Denver's Mayor Is Running for President Against Buttigieg and de Blasio and Lots of Other Dems

As we reported yesterday, New York City’s Mayor, Bill de Blasio, is the 23rd prominent Democrat to announce that he wants to defeat Donald Trump next year, but doesn’t have a chance (ttps://www.apocryphalpress.com/2019/05/17/how-trump-picks-his-ice-director-de-blasio-s-in-way-late/).

 

Denver’s all-important municipal election will conclude on June 4, with a runoff between pro-development incumbent Mayor Michael Hancock and another Democrat, first-time candidate Jamie Giellis, who came in second in the first round on May 7.

 

Giellis, who is also pro-development but has promised to protect the Mile High City’s parks better than Hancock has, has received the endorsements of two other good Dems who didn’t make the run-off, first time candidate Lisa Calderon and your solitary reporter’s candidate, longtime state legislator Penfield Tate. Calderon came in third and Tate came in fourth in the first round.

 

South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg is also in the race, and he’s become something of a rock star on the campaign trail, so we assume that de Blalsio, who entered way too late, must have felt entitled to run because New York is ever so much bigger than South Bend, which, with a population just over 101,000, is the 301st largest city in the US, while Gotham is America’s largest city, with a population of 8,175,000.

 

Associate solitary reporter Brianna Worthington, who supports Giellis, confronted Hancock at a recent town hall to criticize him for financing his campaign with millions from developers.

 

But Hancock, who really knows how to work a crowd and how to defuse critics, took Worthington aside and whispered in her ear.

 

“Brianna, you’re the first to know, so don’t tell anybody, but I’m really bored with being mayor and being sniped at all the time, so tomorrow, I’m announcing that I’m running for president.”

 

Worthington hugged Hancock, knowing that his departure from the race gurantees victory for Giellis.

 

Fri

17

May

2019

How Trump Picks His ICE Director; de Blasio's In Way Late

Donald Trump gets his biggest applause lines when he maligns undocumented immigrants.

 

Last August, Trump nominated Ron Vitiello, a longtime Border Patrol officer, to be his next Director of Immigration and Customs Enforcement.

 

But he pulled Vitiello’s nomination last month, saying he wants ICE to go "in a tougher direction."

 

Now Trump wants Mark Morgan to be his ICE Director. Morgan’s the guy who says he can tell which migrant children will become gang members by looking into their eyes, but as our chief South American associate solitary reporter, Sylvania Juguete, knows full well, the idea that unaccompanied minors are more likely to become criminals is unsupported by statistical evidence (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/05/16/mark-morgan-eyes-ice-director-1449570).

 

Elsewhere, after dillydallying ad infinitum, New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is now Number 23 in the Dem race to oppose Donald Trump. Several of his top advisers told him not to run, and New York’s Finest aren’t keen on him at all (https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/16/politics/bill-de-blasio-vs-new-york-day-one-campaign/index.html).

 

Associate solitary reporter Eddie Cook, who is fluent in French, texted DNC Chair Tom Perez and told him that de Blasio was way, way too blasé in his campaign rollout and that the big guy from Gotham doesn’t have a chance.

 

Tue

14

May

2019

Trump's Lovefest With Dictators, Viktor Orban Edition

With the exception of Venezuela’s Nicolas Maduro, Donald Trump has yet to meet a dictator he doesn’t like.

 

Today, Trump hosted Hungary’s Viktor Orban: https://www.npr.org/2019/05/14/723077179/trump-greets-hungarys-hard-right-leader-in-oval-office. 

 

If you go to the link, you can let us know which man, Trump or Orban, is the uglier. 

 

Orban has closed his borders to desperate Syrian refugees, whom he calls “Muslim invaders,” and he likes to boast that he's protecting Christians from, well, the Muslim hordes.

 

Orban loves Trump, and he also loves Trump’s Brazilian counterpart, Jair Bolsonaro.

 

President Obama avoided any public appearances with Europe’s worst xenophobe.

 

Trump would like to be a dictator of the USA, but he’s often frustrated by judges who rule against him (and whom he then trashes) and by unTrumpian Republicans like Sen. Mitt Romney.

 

Our chief international correspondent, associate soitary reporter Larry Theis, is on the lookout for the next dictator to be favored with a photo-op in the White House. Theis thinks it’s likely to be whichever Sudanese general ends up running that beleaguered nation, where protests against military rule are still taking place even after Omar al-Bashir was ousted by his own generals.

 

But then, we reminded Theis of the special word which Trump likes to use about Africa. 

 

In French, it would be something like “merde trou” or "trou noir."

 

Sun

12

May

2019

Learn the Real Reason Why Giuliani Cancelled His Trip to the Ukraine

Years ago, loudmouth New Yorker Rudy Giuliani was a Democrat; then he became an Independent; then he became a Republican immediately after Reagan was elected president in 1980.

 

Rudy ran for president as a Republican in 1988, but that didn’t go far at all.

 

And much as we have made fun of Bush One in the past, George Herbert Walker Bush was a much better president than Giuliani would have been.

 

Because Giuliani is almost as brash as Donald Trump, he got himself hired as Trump’s personal attorney to deal with Trump’s Mueller problem.

 

We here at AP, and hundreds of other writers, are unanimous in concluding that Trump considers William Barr to be his personal lawyer rather than his Attorney General; and, in large part, Barr has shown that he has gladly accepted that role.

 

So where does that leave Rudy?

 

On Thursday, Rudy told God and everybody that he was about to go to Kiev to meet Ukraine’s president-elect, comedian Володимир Олександрович Зеленський (Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelensky) to convince Zelensky to find lots of dirt on leading Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden by going after his son, Hunter, who does business in Ukraine;

 

and, not only that, but also Rudy wanted to get Zelensky to tell the world that former Trump Campaign Chairman Paul Manafort did everything he did with a clean heart (https://www.cnn.com/2019/05/11/politics/biden-response-giuliani-ukraine/index.html; or:

 

https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2019/05/biden-ukrainian-gas-company)

 

or:

 

https://www.politico.com/story/2019/05/12/schiff-foreign-help-giuliani-ukraine-1317624).

 

So we sent our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, to Херсо́н, (Kherson) an important Ukrainian port on the Black Sea on the Dnieper River with a population of 294,941.

 

That’s because Theis is well aware that your solitary reporter’s name is Korson, so he easily figured out that Korson’s antecedents came from Херсо́н (Kherson).

 

Theis, a true citizen of the world, learned from all 294,941 citizens of Kherson that if Giuliani even tried to enter the city’s gates, he would find himself persona non grata within five minutes.

 

That’s why Giuliani cancelled his Ukraine trip, not because he made himself, as usual, into a total fool in Washington and throughout all America but, rather, because he would have been deeply humiliated in the ancestral home of your solitary reporter.