The latest news…

Sun

24

Mar

2019

Trump Fires Barr for Failure of Complete Adulation

On June 8, 2018, William Barr wrote, just for the fun to it, a memo to Donald Trump’s Justice Department saying that the Mueller investigation of Russian meddling in our 2016 election was “fatally misconceived” (https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/24/politics/barr-memo-mueller/index.html).

 

No wonder Trump nominated him to be the chief law enforcement official in the land.

 

Today, Barr, now Trump’s Attorney General, said that there was no “collusion” between Vladimir Putin’s intense desire to be the key player in Trump’s so-called victory, and the Trump campaign.

 

This, after he received Mueller’s Report on Friday evening, and within less than 48 hours, he claims to have evaluated carefully what Mueller took almost two years to accomplish.

 

And, of course, Trump says he’s been totally exonerated.

 

Trump is notorious for twisting words out of context and making totally false and misleading statements, especially when Barr made a point today of saying that Trump was not exonerated.

 

Mueller did not interview Trump under oath; had he perjured himself, well, you know…..

 

Most probably, Trump will never read the Mueller report, because he doesn’t read, he just watches Fox News to see whether Fox News is saying things about him that he insists that Fox News say about him.

 

Associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, who covers Congress for us, spoke, moments ago, with House Judiciary Committee Chairman Jerry Nadler (D-NY). Nadler took Smith aside and told her that no person should be nominated to be Attorney General of the United States who has prejudged a matter of such delicacy.

 

As Trump entered his White House today after being informed of Barr’s announcement, the only thing he would say to reporters was that “America is the greatest nation in the world.”

 

But as he went to sit his fat body in the Oval Office to send out his next tweet, repeating how much he loves Kim Jongun, he told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones that he’s firing Barr because he expects Barr to protect him (just as he expected Jeff Sessions to protect him), and, much more importantly, he expects Barr to repeat, every hour on the hour, that just as he’s making America great again, he expects complete loyalty (that’s how Comey got on Trump’s wrong side).

 

Trump told ASR Jones, “Barr didn’t say that I’m the greatest man who ever walked this earth. Because he didn’t say that, I’m letitng him go.”

 

When Jones asked him who his next Attorney General will be, he said, “Johanna, that’s the stupidest question I’ve ever heard!”

 

Jones waited, breathlessly.

 

"I’ve narrowed it down to Matt Whitaker and Leonard Leo. Now get the f___ out of here."

 

Sat

23

Mar

2019

Why Kushner Is Vacationing in One of Israel's Luxury Hotels, Paid for by Netanyahu

As the entire world knows, Special Counsel Robert Mueller III has completed his Report, and yesterday he delivered it to Donald Trump’s second Attorney General, William Barr.

 

Apocryphal Press has a rapidly growing corps of associate solitary reporters. Foremost among them is Lewis Thompson.

 

Thompson is theologically brilliant (he’s the Moderator of the Unitarian Universalist Association) and, totally aside from his quasi-ministerial powers, he’s one smart dude, and so are associate solitary reporters Susanna Sherman and Johanna Jones — to say nothing of Unitarian Universalist Association President and associate solitary reporter Nancy Hawthorne.

 

That dynamic quartet, all of whom are Trinitarians, broke into Barr’s office at four o’clock this morning, even though his office was closely guarded by Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen.

 

And there Barr was, trying to figure out whether there is any way he can protect the guy who put him there without violating his oath, so ASR Jones offered to help; but to do that, she had to persuade Barr to show him Mueller’s Report.

 

Desperately in need of sleep, and bewitched by Jones’ beauty, Barr yielded. 

 

“Thank you ever so much, General Barr,” Jones said, as she smiled. Jones has perfect teeth, and she’s only 25.

 

On the first page of the most widely sought-after report ever written since the Gospels, in neon blue, is the following:

 

“I find Michael Cohen to be completely credible,” the Report begins. “Donald Trump is a racist, a con man, and a cheat.”

 

Trump considers it to be a total victory that Mueller’s not seeking to indict him (https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/23/politics/donald-trump-mar-a-lago-robert-mueller/index.html).

 

Another man who is celebrating the fact that he’s not being indicted is Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner.

 

Which is why our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, found Kushner early this morning lounging on a beach chair at the luxurious Herods Herzliya resort in Eilat, Israel’s southernmost city.

 

“Oh hi, Larry,” Kushner said, as he tried to keep Theis from ogling Ivanka in her bikini, “Bibi paid for our trip here, and tomorrow MbS is hosting us in his royal palace in Riyadh."

 

Thu

21

Mar

2019

Kushner to Trump: "Whenever you need a break from Washington, Bibi says you can always stay at his home in Jerusalem"

Next week, the all-powerful American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC) meets for its annual gathering in Washington.

 

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin (“Bibi”) Netanyahu is seeking his fifth term, and he is in a close contest with his rival, Benny Gantz, a former Chief of Staff with the Israel Defense Forces. Netanhayu faces corruption charges, but his bromance with Donald Trump knows no limits — as evidenced by Trump’s declaration today that he recognizes Israeli sovereignty over the long-disputed Golan Heights. In 1967, Israel forces grabbed the Golan Heights from Syria, and Israel has occupied the Golan ever since, to international condemnation.

 

Trump’s action flies in the face of President Obama’s strenuous efforts to develop a path to real peace between Israel and its neighbors. United Nations resolutions proclaim that Israel has no right to the Golan Heights. Trump’s action today means that the possibility of any peace between the Arab nations, and the PLO, and Israel, is simply non-existent, as the Wilson Center’s Aaron David Miller explained to Judy Woodruff this evening on the PBS News Hour.

 

Bibi will be with Trump on Monday and Tuesday, and when Trump issued his proclamation about the Golan, he gushed that Trump is the greatest friend Israel has ever had (https://www.politico.com/story/2019/03/21/israel-anti-semitism-aipac-2020-1231570; https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/21/politics/trump-golan-heights-tweet/index.html.

 

Bibi obviously forgot that it was President Truman who made the fateful decision in 1948 to recognize the newly-created State of Israel. What could be more pro-Israel than what Democrat Harry Truman did? 

 

Our Flame-Thrower-in-Chief is attacked on virtually all sides — from the Mueller investigation, to the condemnation he is receiving from Sen. Johnny Isakson (R-Georgia) for his relentless besmirching of the reputation of the late Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona), to his insistence on keeping former Boeing executive Patrick Shanahan as his Acting Defense Secretary, even as the Pentagon’s Inspector General is investigating Shanahan for doing favors for Boeing while at the Pentagon — to his brazen unilateralism in all things. 

 

So it’s the job of Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner to cheer up his father-in-law.

 

That’s why associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump and Kushner as Jared said, “Sir, I just spoke with Bibi, who feels bad for all the crap that’s being thrown at you all the time. He said he’s all in favor of you adding Israel as the fifty-first State, and that until that happens, if you ever need a break from the Swamp you created in Washington, you can teleport yourself to his home in Jerusalem and stay there for as long as you like.”

 

“He also said that his home has even more Twitter capability than you have, so you’d be perfectly at home.”

 

Trump told Kushner to tell Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney to tell Shanahan to capture Nicolas Maduro and take him from Caracas to Gitmo.

 

Wed

20

Mar

2019

Trump Vows to Make Kellyanne Conway Divorce Her Husband

Our Disrupter-in-Chief, who is perpetually angry at anyone who even looks at him sideways (who would want to look at him anyway?) is at it, yet again.

 

Political observers and White House correspondents of all ideological stripes have known for a very long time that if Donald Trump gets through even ten minutes without issuing a strident tweet, he must be sound asleep at the wheel of government.

 

Trump’s last campaign manager in 2016, Kellyanne Conway, takes credit for Trump’s ability to defy all odds by flipping Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania from blue to red in 2016.

 

Her husband is George Conway, a superlawyer who was considered for the important position of Solicitor General and, later, Assistant Attorney General in the Civil Division of the Justice Department, under Trump’s first AG, Jeff Sessions. George, a keen observer of human nature, smartly said no to both opportunities because he knew that Trump was hell-bent on destroying the Justice Department from the get-go.

 

Kellyanne, now one of Trump’s top aides, takes the prize for her shrillness in defending Trump (Kellyanne and Sarah Huckabee Sanders have a daily competition for that and, as of press time, we are uncertain who of the two of them will have that dubious distinction today).

 

In 2018, George Conway emerged as a sharp, vocal critic of his wife’s boss. Which leads us here at AP to consider him as a reasonably smart guy — because he knows full well that Trump fits all the psychiatric criteria for classic narcissistic personality disorder — and, because George knows that, he feels perfectly free to say so publicly. See https://www.politico.com/story/2019/03/20/trump-george-kellyanne-conway-1228558 for full details.

 

So George and Trump are now in a tweetwar, with Trump calling George “the husband from hell.”

 

So we took a quick look at Trump’s marital history and were immediately reminded that he has had three trophy wives. The first two ended in very high-profile divorces, and we’re still wondering why Melania puts up with him.

 

So associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, the best White House undercover sleuth ever, took up the challenge, and spoke, moments ago, with Melania.

 

“As long as he stays completely away from me,” the former supemodel, who, at 48, is twenty-four years younger than her spectacularly unprepossessing husband, ”Barrron and I are just fine.”

 

Acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney has been doing his utmost to keep ASR Jones — a spectacularly beautiful twenty-five year old African American woman who is even more beautiful than either Michelle Obama or Lupita Nyong'o — away from Trump, but he did condescend to tell Jones that his boss, who demands absolute, total loyalty, has told Kellyanne that if she wants to keep working for him, she will have to divorce George before sunset today.

 

Tue

19

Mar

2019

Why the Electoral College Is Outdated; Trump and Boeing; Roberts Calls Trump Malevolent

In 2000, Republican George W. Bush won the presidency by one vote, because SCOTUS, in Bush v. Gore, screwed it up after the Gore campaign unwisely did not demand a state-wide recount in the Sunshine State. But Gore received more popular votes than W.

 

In 2016, Hillary won more votes than did what’s his name — you know, the guy who likes only his family members and his rabid base.

 

Because of the Electoral College, Gore lost, and so did HRC.

 

Our forefathers set up the Electoral College because when we began as a nation there were thirteen ex-colonies, all of whom became States, and each of them, at the outset, wanted to retain their sovereignty, but in 1787 they grudgingly or otherwise agreed to this tenuous experiment called the United States.

 

Takes 270 votes in the outdated Electoral College to become president.

 

On Friday, Colorado’s Democratic Governor, former Boulder Congressman Jared Polis, did the right thing by signing the law proposed by Democrats (who now control both houses of the Centennial State’s legislature), to join twelve other jurisdictions, including the District of Columbia, in the National Popular Vote Compact, which will not become active until 270 electoral votes are guaranteed. With Colorado’s nine electoral votes, the Compact now has 181 (https://www.coloradopolitics.com/hot-sheet/polis-signs-national-popular-vote-into-law-but-it-doesn/article_ce02e900-497a-11e9-94ea-87789e17ff29.html).

 

So which are the sensible states which are in the Compact?

 

California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Massachusetts, Maryland, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island, Vermont, Washington, and the District of Columbia, which should be a State, but most likely that ain’t gonna happen anytime soon.

 

In today’s Times, columnist Jamelle Bouie presents a thoroughly researched argument for dealing with the prickly problems of the archaic Electoral College (https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/28/opinion/the-electoral-college.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share).

 

Colorado’s chief Bernie supporter, associate solitary reporter Lewis Thompson, is, no doubt, pleased, because, as he so eloquently puts it, “I’m fr___n’ tired of Republicans winning presidential elections where they can’t manage to muster enough votes nationwide.”

 

In other news, Donald Trump’s harried Acting Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, who used to be a Tea Party Congressman from South Carolina, is trying his utmost to scoop up the poop left over from Trump’s last-minute decision to ground all Boeing 737 Max 8 and 9 aircraft, after Ethiopian Airlines Flight 302 crashed on March 10, six minutes after takeoff from Addis Ababa, killing all 149 passengers and eight crew members on board. French authorities are investigating the black box.

 

Trump, a certifiably ineffective leader, was the last world leader to order the grounding of the Boeing 737 Max 8, after Boeing’s CEO, Dennis Muilenburg, assured Trump that the 737 Max is safe. Boeing is the largest US exporter by volume of sales, and it employs 153,027 people worldwide, mostly in the United States.

 

Yesterday, on the PBS News Hour, aviation expert Jeff Wise explained to John Yang how badly Boeing messed up; and many questions are being raised as to why the FAA allowed Boeing to figure out whether the 737 Max is safe (https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/this-aviation-expert-says-boeing-made-disastrously-bad-decision-on-training-for-737-max).

 

Additionally, SCOTUS yesterday agreed to consider whether Lee Boyd Malvo’s life sentence without the possibility of parole, for the murders he committed in Washington, Maryland, and Virginia when he was 17, should be reduced. So we sent associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman to talk with Chief Justice John Roberts. ASR Sherman is a longtime student of the English language, having received her PhD in Linguistics from Harvard when she was only 16. Sherman is intrigued by the similarity between the name Malvo and “malevolent."

 

Chief Justice Roberts is an astute judicial politician, who is well known for his skill in persuading his colleagues on the Court — even, on rare occasions, Silent But Angry Clarence Thomas and Sammy Alito, to go along with him.

 

In November, the Associated Press approached Chief Justice Roberts for comment after Trump described a jurist who ruled against his ill-founded asylum policy as an “Obama judge.” So Roberts, in response, said, “We do not have Obama judges or Trump judges, Bush judges or Clinton judges." The Chief Justice’s remarks were widely interpreted as a rebuke of Trump’s comments.

 

“Mr. Chief Justice, I and all my dozens of colleagues at America’s best political newspaper, apocryphalpress.com, will be watching the Malvo case very closely, so I want to ask you point-blank, Sir, whether you agree with me and DNC Chair Tom Perez that Donald Trump is, in a word, malevolent.”

 

“Susanna, that’s a pretty good summation. I only met the man once, on January 20, 2017, when, against my better judgment, I performed my constitutional duty. I’m really looking forward to swearing in his successor on or before January 21, 2021."