The latest news…

Wed

20

Jun

2018

Trump Fires Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, Taps Lewandoswki to Succeed Her After Lewandowski's "Womp Womp" Comment

Donald Trump has always believed that it is his undisputed right to say whatever his gonads prompt him to say.

 

He takes great pleasure in firing people. He has no friends except Sean Hannity. Melania sleeps in a separate bed.

 

When he announced in June 2015 his desire to swagger into the White House on January 20, 2017, the most notable vomit that spewed from his mouth was his obvious hatred for people coming into this country by crossing from Mexico into Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, or California, whether legally or illegally.

 

So he first tapped Gen. John Kelly to run his Department of Homeland Security, until he got tired of having Reince Priebus as his Chief of Staff because Reince was too close to the so-called establishment wing of the GOP, so he asked Kelly to be his Chief of Staff. Then he had to pick someone else for DHS.

 

Kirstjen Nielsen had served in the Bush Two Administration and was well regarded by Republicans in Washington. When Kelly became Trump’s Chief of Staff (where he has a relationship with Trump almost as fraught as Trump’s long-soured relationship with Jeff Sessions), Kelly chose Nielsen as his Deputy.

 

No doubt he now regrets it, but Trump, at Kelly’s suggestion, nominated Nielsen, 46, to head the Department of Homeland Security, which, of course, includes Customs and Border Control.

 

Last month, Trump humiliated Nielsen publicly for not closing off the steady stream of desperate people trying to come from Central America and Mexico to the land of the free and the home of the brave. This prompted her seriously to consider leaving Trumpworld. But meanwhile, she teamed up with Sessions to frame the always compassionate GOP policy of separating young children from their parents, at the border. Sessions is very proud of this accomplishment, which he calls the Zero Tolerance policy — even though the vast majority of Americans, especially members of Sessions’ church in Mobile, have zero tolerance for the Zero Tolerance Policy.

 

Then things became a little easier for Trump yesterday when his first of several campaign managers, Corey Lewandowski, was on a Fox News panel with a former DNC adviser who mentioned that a ten-year old girl with Down syndrome, who crossed the border illegally with her mother, was physically separated from her mother and put in a cage.

 

Lewandowsi’s response? "Womp womp” (https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/19/politics/corey-lewandowski-undocumented-immigrant-womp-womp/index.html).

 

When Trump — who does not read books, he just governs from his totally undisciplined gut after watching Fox News — saw this, he immediately told Kelly to fire Nielsen and replace her with Lewandowski. Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump and Kelly at the time.

 

So associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith asked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell when he would schedule Lewandowski’s confirmation hearing.

 

“Melissa, you keep asking me impossible questions.”

 

But the intrepid Smith persisted.

 

“No comment.”

 

Tue

19

Jun

2018

Trump, Kim Jong-un Meet for Second Summit in Nogales

Our best associate solitary reporters, Johanna Jones and Susanna Sherman, have been really busy these days. 

 

We sent them to the US-Mexico border at Nogales, Arizona, where Border Patrol agents have been happily separating children from their parents.

 

Jones and Sherman are the only reporters who observed something that astonished even them.

 

Donald Trump has a new close personal friend — North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-un.

 

As Jones and Sherman watched, a US Army helicopter landed at the heavily fortified Border Control station.

 

From the helicopter emerged Kim Jong-un and Trump.

 

“This is how we keep vermin out of our country,” Trump explained to Kim.

 

“But in the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, you do a better job of it. How do you do it? I need your help here, my friend.”

 

Kim smiled and said, “Donnie, that’s easy. We just kill them. Makes it easier on everybody.”

 

“If you like,” Kim continued, “after you take all your soldiers out of South Korea, I will bring my version of border control here to Nogales. Then you’ll never have a problem with illegals coming into your great nation.”

 

Trump smiled and told Chief of Staff John Kelly, “John, get on that right away. Bring all our troops home from South Korea, that will save billions of dollars. Then do whatever my friend Kim Jong-un suggests.”

 

That’s when Kelly resigned — and Trump replaced him immediately with Kellyanne Conway.

 

Mon

18

Jun

2018

Why A Wealthy Democratic Congressman from Boulder Will Not Be Elected Governor

For Democrats in Congress, it’s not nearly so much fun as they would like it to be.

 

So far, but that will change in November.

 

Congressman Jared Polis, a Democrat, represents the Centennial State’s Second Congressional District (Boulder). However, he is now running for Governor, quite possibly because the Democrats are in the minority, at this time, in the House of Representatives. He’ll be succeeded by rising Dem star Joe Neguse.

 

Polis was a very successful businessman, and, as a result, he is very wealthy.

 

He has given more than eleven million dollars to his campaign for governor.

 

His main competitor on the Democratic side is former State Treasurer Cary Kennedy. She is the only candidate for governor on the Democratic side who has won a statewide election for a constitutional office (constitutional offices are Gov, Sec. of State, Atty. Gen., and State Treasurer).

 

Your solitary reporter has already voted for Kennedy, who will be the first woman governor of Colorado.

 

Kennedy is not wealthy. She won top line at the Democratic State Assembly. Polis came in second.

 

But because he is self-funding his campaign, he is leading in the polls.

 

We’ll all find out on June 26 whether Polis’ money will be a detriment to him.

 

All good Colorado Democrats should vote for Cary Kennedy for Governor.

Sun

17

Jun

2018

Why Trump Won't Get His Wall: GOP Sen. Shelley Moore Capito Will Make Him Capitulate

As usual, Politico nailed it.

 

Today, Burgess Everett and John Bresnahan wrote the top of the fold article, “Congress may snub Trump on wall, risking shutdown: Senate Republicans privately acknowledge that they’re unlikely to pass a funding bill that will satisfy [Trump] (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/17/trump-border-wall-congress-funding-bill-snub-649563).

 

As Everett and Bresnahan explain, tomorrow, West Virginia’s Republican senator, Shelly Moore Capito, will meet with Trump and the Chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, Alabama’s Richard Shelby. Senator Capito is the Chair of the subcommittee which overseas spending on homeland security.

 

Trump is increasingly frustrated with Congress’ failure to fund his

Wall — his signature campaign promise — and he insists on shutting down the government in September if he can’t persuade the Republican-led Congress to appropriate enough money for his wall. And Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Kentucky) has called spending billions on a border wall “outlandish”, so he will probably vote with the Democrats against any wall funding.

 

Let’s not forget that Trump got his base all revved up when he said he would make Mexico pay for the wall.

 

Trump wants as much wall money as he can squeeze out of Congress, but Senator Capito needs to get 60 votes in the  Senate, which Republicans control by only one vote, and Sen. McCain is battling cancer and it is very hard, if not impossible, for him to travel.

 

So we sent associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, who covers Congress for us, to meet with Senator Capito, to discuss the matter.

 

“Melissa,” the senator began, “It’s really simple. I’m just going to tell Mr. Trump that he can’t have his wall.”

 

“So, Senator Capito, you’re going to make Trump capitulate?”

 

“Exactly! So, Melissa, come with me to the White House tomorrow, and you’ll see just how tough this plain ol’ West Virginia gal can be!”

 

Smith immediately agreed, and told Senator Capito that she’ll wear her most beautiful dress to the meeting in the Oval Office.

 

Correction: in yesterday’s post, we quoted from the motto of Jeff Sessions’ church in Mobile, but we got the quote wrong. The motto of Ashland Place United Methodist Church is “Open Hearts. Open Minds. Open Doors.” But alert reader Margaret Meadows caught our typo, where we said that the church’s motto is “Open Heats” instead of “Open Hearts.” Meadows has suggested to us that we need a better amanuensis. Any volunteers?

 

Sat

16

Jun

2018

Melania Gives Pep Talk to Border Control Agents Who Separate Refugee Children from their Mothers; Sessions' Pastor Gives Him Stern Rebuke

Because of the demands of covering the consequences of the 2016 election, Apocryphal Press keeps hiring more and more associate solitary reporters.

 

Our chief religion correspondent and longtime associate solitary reporter, Rev. Jim Bob Hobarto, just hired Rev. Ned Rushton to cover one of Donald Trump’s most favorite activities: separating young children from their parents at our southern border.

 

Rushton, who has a megachurch in Mesa, Arizona, was particularly interested in observing how the Border Patrol carries out Trump’s Doctrine of inflicting maximum cruelty on desperate parents, and their young children, as they try to come to the land of the free and the home of the brave.

 

Trump, who doesn’t give a hoot about much of anything except feeding his own ego and receiving the adulation of his close personal friends Kim Jong-un and Vladimir Putin and, of course, his base, likes to watch TV coverage of the extreme distress of mothers and children as they are separated at the border. 

 

As Rushton, with great sadness, criticized dozens of Border Patrol agents as they pulled small children from Central America away from their mothers, who should walk in to admonish him but the third Mrs. Trump.

 

“Don’t you see that you are interfering with God’s work?” Melania demanded.

 

You can hardly blame Melania for following recent comments made by Trump’s Attorney General, Jeff Sessions.

 

In a recent speech, Sessions said that Romans 13 justifies his harsh treatment of Central American refugees.

 

In Romans 13:1-2, the Apostle Paul says: “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities; for there is no authority except from God, and those authorities that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists authority resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment."

 

Sessions is a Sunday school teacher at Ashland Place United Methodist Church in Mobile.

 

The motto of Ashland Place United Methodist Church is “Open Heats. Open Minds. Open Doors.”

 

So Rev. Rushton asked Ashland Place’s senior pastor, Rev. Dr. Sterling Boykin, whether Sessions’ treatment of refugees at the border is consistent with his church’s motto.

 

“Ned,” Boykin said, “No, not at all. We’re going to have to excommunicate brother Sessions and send him to the Southern Baptists. He’ll be a lot more comfortable there."

 

Back at the border, the Border Patrol agents rallied in force to give Melania a standing ovation before she briskly stepped into an Army helicopter for the trip back to the White House.