The latest news…

Sat

23

Jun

2018

Trump Throws Ryan & Co. Under the Bus As We Hurtle Headlong Into the Midterms

There are way too many Republicans in the U.S. House of Representatives, mostly because of Karl Rove, the architect of Bush Two’s 2004 re-electuion. And after SCOTUS punted five days ago in the political gerrymandering cases on a technicality, we still don’t know what Roberts & Co. will do if they ever get around to deciding that issue on the merits.

 

Paul Ryan, who really doesn’t like Donald Trump, has many, many problems with his Caucus. Remember Speaker John Boehner? He resigned in 2015 without completing his term because of the constant revolts against his leadership from hard-core conservatives in the House; he now pulls down a paltry $400,000 a year as a board member of Reynolds American, the second biggest tobacco company in the United States. No doubt, he is much happier where he is now.

 

There are, depending on how you look at it, three versions of the GOP in the House and Senate. Maybe just two, but let’s have a quick look.

 

There are the so-called moderates, who, most likely, don’t like Trump at all, because he has broken with most of their traditional values, such as free trade and being nice to their wives, at least on the surface.

 

Then there are the Freedom Caucus folk, led by obdurate Mark Meadows (R-NC). They are against most things that are good.

 

Then, there are the crazy-ass evangelicals, who think that God rules the Republican Party, and that voting is simply a matter of discerning God’s will. Count former Alabama senator Jeff Sessions among them — and he for sure doesn’t like Trump any more.

 

Trump said three days ago that he wants the House to pass an immigration bill.

 

The conservative version of an immigration bill went down on Thursday, and the moderate version (which has lots of bad stuff in it) was supposed to be taken up yesterday, but Ryan, McCarthy & Scalise just don’t have the votes….so, they may call for a vote next week, maybe not (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/22/trump-immigration-legislation-congress-664287).

 

Then, with a single tweet, Trump made it clear that he wouldn’t support the so-called moderate immigration bill, telling Ryan — who’s on his way out — to wait 'til after the mid-terms — which the GOP is more than likely to lose, bigtime, because of the man they cast their votes for in 2016. And the very obstinate House conservatives may vote Ryan out of his Speakership real soon.

 

Moments ago, Trump told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, confidentially, that it is the solemn duty of all Republicans in the House to greatly intensify, by any means necessary, their all-out war against every Democrat in the House. “Johanna, I know damn well that as the greatest leader of this country ever, I’m the one who set all this stuff in motion because, as I have said before, everybody who crosses into our country illegally from Mexico is nothing more than vermin and vomit. But I am so smart that all I have to do is blame everything on the Democrats, even though I instigated the whole thing.”

 

“But that’s the way I do things.”

 

“I am the only one who can make America great again."

 

All our Washington-based associate solitary reporters, especially Jones, are watching very closely how this plays out, even as the Total Chaos at the border is absorbing much of our collective attention, as well.

 

Fri

22

Jun

2018

Melania Launches New Line of Clothing

Melania made a surprise visit to Texas yesterday and showed up at a child detention facility, to see how badly her husband has been treating migrant children separated from their parents at the border. 

 

A former fashion model, and, thus, always stylish to a fault, she chose a $39 Zara jacket emblazoned on the back with “I Really Don’t Care — Do U?” (https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/21/politics/melania-trump-jacket/index.html). 

 

This produced an immediate scramble in the necessarily large communications operation of the West Wing.

 

Some say that “I Really Don’t Care — Do U?” refers to the Fake Media.

 

But associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones knows better.

 

After Melania returned to the White House, still wearing the same jacket, Melania went straight to Jones to explain.

 

“Johanna,” Melania said, “I don’t care about my husband. I don’t care about those children separated from their parents. I just want to go home to Slovenia.”

 

“But I do care -- a lot -- about money, so I am going to start a new line of clothing. The brand will be 'I Really Don’t Care — Do U?’ "

 

“There will be variations, many variations, on that.”

 

“It will also include ‘Womp Womp,’ from Donald’s close personal friend, Corey Lewandowski."

 

(“Womp womp” is how Lewandowski (in)famously responded to criticism of how the Department of Homeland Security handled the forced separation of a ten-year old Down Syndrome girl from her parents (https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/20/politics/zac-petkanas-lewandowski-comments-cnntv/index.html))

 

Immediately, her husband’s advance men made arrangements for Melania to make an unannounced visit to her native Slovenia.

 

Don’t expect to see Melania back in the USA any time soon.

Thu

21

Jun

2018

Democratic Version of Trump's Executive Order in Which He Caved In On Separating Children from Their Parents at the Border

Summer Solstice, 2018

 

Johanna Jones holds the enviable (?) title of Chief Associate Solitary Reporter.

 

Jones is African American and, at 25, she is a very beautiful young woman. She’s still single, because she works full-time for us here at AP, with an extremely onerous travel schedule, and she doesn’t have time to marry some guy who’s not nearly smart enough. She has never been married, and she has no children.

 

In fact, CASR Jones could have been both Miss America and Miss Universe, but she never woulda participated in Donald Trump’s Miss Universe, because of Trump’s well-known proclivity for swaggering himself into the dressing rooms of his Miss Universe contestants. But Jones, who is extremely smart, chose to become both a private detective and a lawyer. That’s why the DNC chose her for her very special assignment in Trump’s White House — but, nota bene, she was chosen for this role by Interim Democratic National Committee Chair Donna Brazile, and not by Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who didn’t have a clue as to how to run the DNC. 

 

The DNC managed (we still haven’t figured that out, how they did it) to smuggle Jones into the White House on January 20, 2017.

 

Because of her beauty, we here at AP have been concerned for a very long time about her personal safety when she is with Trump. That’s a very serious concern, because Jones spends more time with Trump than does the third Mrs. Trump.

 

But CASR Jones is very strong, both physically (she’s almost as buff as her mentor, Michelle Obama) and mentally, and she has a great deal of experience in being able to smack lusty old goats like Trump whenever they get, well, too close to her (at last report, nobody in Trump’s entourage at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue had dared to tell him about the #MeToo movemen).

 

As soon as she learned yesterday morning that Trump was forced to cave on family separations at the border (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/20/trump-caves-family-separation-660870), Jones immediately got to work on a Democratic version of the executive order which Trump issued just before he went to Minnesota, a blue state, to raise money for the GOP.

 

Never one to lose an opportunity to throw red meat to his xenophobic base, Trump entitled yesterday’s exec. order an “Executive Order Affording Congress An Opportunity to Address Family Separation.” Hastily drawn after the least qualified man ever to sit in the Oval Office received intense pressure from evangelicals (they read the Bible much more intentionally than does Attorney General Jeff Sessions), business groups, and lotsa Republicans in the Congress — which he thinks he controls (only guess what, he doesn’t) — suddenly reversed himself, having said ad nauseam for days on end that all the problems with our broken immigration system are the fault of Congressional Democrats (yet another Trump lie, because it was Sessions who inaugurated the family separation policy, not Congress.

 

So yesterday, flanked by his Chief Lackey, former Indiana conservative radio talk show host Mike Pence, and embattled DHS Secretary Kirstjien Nielsen, Trump showed off his new exec. order, but then immediately yelled that if his Wall isn’t immediately put in place by American taxpayers, millions of nasty people will come here.

 

So here, for the eyes only of AP fans everywhere, is Jones’ draft executive order, which was approved by DNC Chairman Tom Perez and all sensible Democratic Party electeds:

 

(1) All executive agencies of The United States of America will do their utmost to encourage countries south of our border, especially Honduras, Guatemala, El Salvador, and Mexico, to increase their standards of living so that there will no longer be gangs of desperados and drug lords who terrorize their populations. To accomplish this, I am ordering the Agency of International Development to hurry up and hire lots more Spanish-speaking employees. AID is hereby directed to give preference to persons who have fled Central America or Mexico duing

 

The Department of State will have no role in these activities, because not long ago I put a new guy in there who likes to travel to Pyongyang a lot. And Pompeo has been way too busy having coffee with his Republican buddies over there in Wichita. The Department of Defense is in charge of all the deeply humanitarian activities mentioned in this here Executive Order. Rather, it’s up to the Defense Department under Mad Dog Mattis to do all that Pretend to Be Nice To Furriners BS. I chose Mattis & Co. to do that work because I like to rattle my swords a lot, just as long as associate solitary reporter Leonardo de Lazaro keeps me informed of everything the Pentagon wants. I have a right to do all this under the Sixty-Fourth Clause of the Second Amendment, which, you know, is way too short.

 

(2) People who flee their countries because of famine, war, gangs, or other forms of oppression, may continue to present themselves at our ports of entry to request asylum, despite what the Attorney General or agents of the Department of Homeland Security, may say.

 

(3) All applicants for asylum shall have their applications for asylum adjudicated by Immigration Judges within thirty days. I am ordering this because Barack Obama didn’t hire enough Immigration Judges, leaving it to Sessions to get rid of all his employees and contractors who voted for Hillary. And because I know full well that any judge, whether an Immigration Judge accountable to Sessions, or a constitutional judge in these here United States, can’t be trusted because they seem to think that they can act independently.

 

(4) Once they are admitted to the United States as asylum claimants, they will be given full scholarships, all expenses paid, at the Democratic National Welcome to America School (DNWAS), which has campuses in San Diego, California; Arivaca, Arizona; Las Cruces, New Mexico; and Brownsville, Texas. There, the benefits of registering as Democrats, once they become citizens, will be fully explained. Not only that, they will be very strongly encouraged to volunteer with their local Democratic Party, as well as running for office. The Dean of the DNWAS is associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman. The Associate Dean is associate solitary reporter Max Livinsky. The San Diego campus of the DNWA is run by associate solitary reporter Dominic DiChristo; the Arivaca campus is run by associate solitary reporter Debbie Witherspoon, a native of La Junta, Colorado, where she learned to speak Spanish fluently; the Las Cruces, New Mexico campus is run by associate solitary reporter and Las Cruces Mayor Kenneth Daniel Gallegos Miyagishima; and the Brownsville, Texas campus is run by associate solitary reporter and former Denver Mayor Federico Peña, a native of Brownsville.

 

(5) The asylees who come with their children will be sent to the DNWA, immediately.

 

(6) Children who have been forcibly separated from their asylee parents will also be immediately sent to the DNWA, where they will be promptly reunited with their parents at Trump’s expense, and lovingly nurtured by thousands of volunteers, many of whom are people of faith.

 

(7) All valid asylum applicants who have validly presented themselves at our ports of entry, who have been separated from their children and thrown over the border into Mexico, will be immediately located by Nielsen’s Department of Homeland Security and brought to the DNWA. I will pay all expenses for this since I am so wealthy, and because, if I am going have even a small chance of getting into Presbyterian Heave, I need to seek redemption in a really huge way.

 

(8) All Republican Members of Congress who defy my on-again, off-again blustering and minute by minute contradictions about which Republican bills to reform immigration I may or may not sign, will receive, at my expense, lots of free meals at a variety of homeless shelters in the District of Columbia.

 

(9) Any Republican Members of Congress, especially in Ryan’s House, who are rendered politically or otherwise homeless by Trumpiana, are entitled to severance pay at the same rate of pay as Me, on a per diem basis, as soon as they leave office, but only for a period of fifteen days.

 

Wed

20

Jun

2018

Trump Fires Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen, Taps Lewandoswki to Succeed Her After Lewandowski's "Womp Womp" Comment

Donald Trump has always believed that it is his undisputed right to say whatever his gonads prompt him to say.

 

He takes great pleasure in firing people. He has no friends except Sean Hannity. Melania sleeps in a separate bed.

 

When he announced in June 2015 his desire to swagger into the White House on January 20, 2017, the most notable vomit that spewed from his mouth was his obvious hatred for people coming into this country by crossing from Mexico into Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, or California, whether legally or illegally.

 

So he first tapped Gen. John Kelly to run his Department of Homeland Security, until he got tired of having Reince Priebus as his Chief of Staff because Reince was too close to the so-called establishment wing of the GOP, so he asked Kelly to be his Chief of Staff. Then he had to pick someone else for DHS.

 

Kirstjen Nielsen had served in the Bush Two Administration and was well regarded by Republicans in Washington. When Kelly became Trump’s Chief of Staff (where he has a relationship with Trump almost as fraught as Trump’s long-soured relationship with Jeff Sessions), Kelly chose Nielsen as his Deputy.

 

No doubt he now regrets it, but Trump, at Kelly’s suggestion, nominated Nielsen, 46, to head the Department of Homeland Security, which, of course, includes Customs and Border Control.

 

Last month, Trump humiliated Nielsen publicly for not closing off the steady stream of desperate people trying to come from Central America and Mexico to the land of the free and the home of the brave. This prompted her seriously to consider leaving Trumpworld. But meanwhile, she teamed up with Sessions to frame the always compassionate GOP policy of separating young children from their parents, at the border. Sessions is very proud of this accomplishment, which he calls the Zero Tolerance policy — even though the vast majority of Americans, especially members of Sessions’ church in Mobile, have zero tolerance for the Zero Tolerance Policy.

 

Then things became a little easier for Trump yesterday when his first of several campaign managers, Corey Lewandowski, was on a Fox News panel with a former DNC adviser who mentioned that a ten-year old girl with Down syndrome, who crossed the border illegally with her mother, was physically separated from her mother and put in a cage.

 

Lewandowsi’s response? "Womp womp” (https://www.cnn.com/2018/06/19/politics/corey-lewandowski-undocumented-immigrant-womp-womp/index.html).

 

When Trump — who does not read books, he just governs from his totally undisciplined gut after watching Fox News — saw this, he immediately told Kelly to fire Nielsen and replace her with Lewandowski. Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump and Kelly at the time.

 

So associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith asked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell when he would schedule Lewandowski’s confirmation hearing.

 

“Melissa, you keep asking me impossible questions.”

 

But the intrepid Smith persisted.

 

“No comment.”

 

Tue

19

Jun

2018

Trump, Kim Jong-un Meet for Second Summit in Nogales

Our best associate solitary reporters, Johanna Jones and Susanna Sherman, have been really busy these days. 

 

We sent them to the US-Mexico border at Nogales, Arizona, where Border Patrol agents have been happily separating children from their parents.

 

Jones and Sherman are the only reporters who observed something that astonished even them.

 

Donald Trump has a new close personal friend — North Korean tyrant Kim Jong-un.

 

As Jones and Sherman watched, a US Army helicopter landed at the heavily fortified Border Control station.

 

From the helicopter emerged Kim Jong-un and Trump.

 

“This is how we keep vermin out of our country,” Trump explained to Kim.

 

“But in the Democratic Peoples Republic of Korea, you do a better job of it. How do you do it? I need your help here, my friend.”

 

Kim smiled and said, “Donnie, that’s easy. We just kill them. Makes it easier on everybody.”

 

“If you like,” Kim continued, “after you take all your soldiers out of South Korea, I will bring my version of border control here to Nogales. Then you’ll never have a problem with illegals coming into your great nation.”

 

Trump smiled and told Chief of Staff John Kelly, “John, get on that right away. Bring all our troops home from South Korea, that will save billions of dollars. Then do whatever my friend Kim Jong-un suggests.”

 

That’s when Kelly resigned — and Trump replaced him immediately with Kellyanne Conway.