The latest news…

Wed

12

May

2021

Guess Who Replaces Congresswoman Liz Cheney In Top Leadership Role?

As expected, the Donald Trump Party, previously known as the Republican Party until Trump strangled it, has expelled Congresswoman Liz Cheney (daughter of) from her number three leadership post in the United States House of Representatives.

 

House Minority Leader McCarthy considered for only two nanoseconds who he should appoint to replace Cheney.

 

Which is why we managed to smuggle our Chief Congressional Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, into the closed meeting which had just exiled Congresswoman Cheney.

 

ASR Smith was the first in the world to report who McCarthy then tapped to replace Cheney.

 

“It’s Trump,” she just texted us.

 

Tue

11

May

2021

Netanyahu Agrees to Ship All of Gaza Directly to New York Harbor; Cuomo Responds

Amid widespread violence in Israel, largely caused by Hamas rockets being sent from Gaza into Ashkelon, in southern Israel, our Chief International Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, witnessed an extraordinary, totally unexpected event:

 

Israel’s Prime Minister, Benjamin “Bibi” Netanyahu, who is on trial for official corruption, announced that he had just spoken with President Biden, asking Biden to agree that all of Gaza be physically severed and shipped en masse to the Port of New York, where another embattled politician, Andrew Cuomo, would be tasked with figuring out exactly where in the Empire State to put Gaza.

 

“In the Finger Lakes region of New York?” asked our always sarcastic associate solitary reporter, Keith Coleman.

 

“Keith,” Cuomo said, “given the street-smart implications of the word ‘finger,’ that’s a pretty good place for all of Gaza to be put.”

 

“Gaza has a population of one million eighty-five thousand Palestinians,” Cuomo said, “so, once they are all resettled in the Finger Lakes of my state, it will all work out if they will all support me against those misguided fools in New York who think I should resign."

 

Mon

10

May

2021

Putin Fesses Up: His Hackers Got Colonial Pipeline, with Worse Yet to Come

Our Moscow-based associate solitary reporter, Foma Kheroshonsky, met much earlier today with Vlad Putin.

 

Putin, a seasoned KBG agent years ago, is very good at lying. He’s much better at it than Donald Trump; and in the lying department, Trump raised the bar.

 

That means that Putin’s expert hackers have promised him maxium deniability.

 

Trump’s ultra-hawkish former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, has truthfully let the world know that Putin played Trump like a violin.

 

Kheroshonky is a priest in the Russian Orhodox Church, which values confession.

 

“Vlad,” Kheroshonsky began, "your hackers — disguised as a ransomware company, but they work directly for you, everybody knows that — they hacked into Colonial Pipeline’s massive five thousand mile plus line that carries all sorts of environmentally toxic materials from Houston to New York Harbor."

 

“Colonial had to shut down their whole system, causing them to lose massive amounts of money, and your hackers, Vlad, are demanding a really huge amount of rubles, to go directly into your pocket.”

 

"Not only that, Vlad, yet another team of your highly skilled hackers is targeting officials in President Biden’s government.”

 

Kheroshovky was referring to a report today by Politico’s Lara Seligman and Andrew Desiderio, which details Putin’s attacks on high-level officials in the Biden Administration, causing serious illnesses, probably like Alexei Novalny’s near death experience (https://www.politico.com/news/2021/05/10/russia-gru-directed-energy-486640).

 

“So the big question now is whether President Biden will give in to your dark money ransomware people.”

 

“As usual, Foma,” Putin began, “you have absolutely no basis for anything you just said.”

 

“But as a Russian czar, and a devout Orthodox Christian, I'll just spill my beans right away, if that’ll make you feel better.”

 

“Of course my hackers did that, and they are very loyal to me, because I am a multi-billionaire and thus a devout Communist. My people love me, and they absolutely want me to have my own private palace to augment my palace in Sochi, where it’s nice and warm.”

 

“Foma, under no circumstances are you to tell Biden’s Sylvania Juguete what I have just said, unless she can pay that ransom real quick.” 

 

"As soon as Joe pays that, he can begin the process of returning Alaska to me. There’s a lot of natural resources there, especially in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. I don’t care anything about caribou, I just want to get all the oil that’s under there, out, lightning quick, so I can lay up huge stockpiles here in Russia and nowhere else.”

 

Using ultra-high tech computers developed by his close personal friend, computer guru Anthony Kenwood, Kheroshonsky texted Juguete, who immediately texted Kheroshonky back, saying that President Biden will pay absolutely NO ransom to line Putin’s pockets.

 

Sun

09

May

2021

Xi Jingpin Splashes Down With His Long March Rocket

As a teenager, China’s president for life, 习近平 (Xi Jinping) lived in a cave in the village of Lingjihe in rural Yanchuan County during China’s so-called Cultural Revolution, a movement that tore the then impoverished China apart. It had nothing to do with culture, but it did have a lot to do with Mao Zedong’s grip on power.

 

Xi Jinping's lot improved as he worked his way up the ranks of the Chinese Communist Party.

 

There is nothing democratic in nature having to do with the Chinese Communist Party.

 

Xi no longer lives in a cave. Instead, he lives in the Zhongnanhai, together with the other top leaders of China. No caves there, just luxury. That’s where he perfects his plans to sinicize the ئۇيغۇرلار (the Uyghurs) in remote western China.

 

The Uyghurs are a Turkic group who are Muslims, and Xi is very threatened by anybody who threatens him.

 

Does that remind you of Donald Trump?

 

Anyway, recently Xi launched his Long March rocket, just to show off, and yesterday the thing fell apart on re-entry, and the debris was found near The Maldives, an island nation in the Indian Ocean.

 

So we sent our Chief East Asia correspondent, associate soitary reporter Ko Il-sun, to the Maldives to see what he could find there.

 

Ko was not surprised in the least to find that among the debris from the Long March rocket was Xi himself.

 

Xi picked himself off from the rubble and yelled at Ko and told him to go straight to President Biden and tell him never ever ever to visit him in his Central Kingdom.

 

But Ko was not to be daunted. He told Xi to swim to Hainan Island and there, tell his military to quit building artificial islands in the South China Sea.

 

Sun

09

May

2021

In Which We Introduce Associate Solitary Reporter Barbara Banner, As She Tells Bolsonaro What to Do with His Amazon

It is difficult for us here at AP to discern whether Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro is more evil than Donald Trump.

 

Jair loves nothing better than encouraging ranchers in the Amazon to destroy his extremely fragile rain forest.

 

During Trump’s tumultous time at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Jair and Donald became fast friends.

 

Unfortunately, Jair is still in office.

 

President Biden is thinking about reaching out to Jair to talk about climate change (https://www.politico.com/news/2021/05/08/biden-amazon-bolsonaro-485836).

 

So we sent associate solitary reporter Barbara Banner to meet with Jair where he lives in splendor, the Palacio de Alvorada, in Brasilia.

 

Banner was born in Germany, but at the tender age of two, she moved to Brazil with her parents and settled in Porto Alegre.

 

Later, she became a gregarious and charming flight atendant with Brazil’s national airline, Varig.

 

As she accosted Bolsonaro, he frowned at her sceptically, because a solitary reporter had tipped him off that Banner, by now an American citizen, was solely responsible, as the doyenne of the Denver Democratic Party, for all the numerous successes of Denver Democrats in the late 1960s and early 1970s.

 

“Barbara,” he began, “you’re a Democrat, so what do you want with me?"

 

“That’s easy, Jair. Tell your fascist Army to go to your Amazon and arrest all the ranchers who are destroying your Amazon.”

 

Banner was promptly escorted out of Bolsonaro’s presence and thrown in Brazil's most notorious prison.