The latest news…

Sat

18

Nov

2017

Why Angela Merkel Really Is the Leader of the Free World; More Male Sexism Revealed for What It Really Is

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is having trouble forming a new government after her party came in first in Gemany’s parliamentary election on September 24.

 

Just in the nick of time, along comes Simon Anholt, a German political consultant who, in a TED talk in June 2014, announced that he has developed the Good Country Index, which measures what each country contributes most to the common good of humanity and what it takes away, relative to its size (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_Anholt). CNN’s Doug Criss tells us all about it at http://www.cnn.com/2017/11/17/world/nation-brand-ranking-trnd/index.html. His article is “Germany supplants US as the country with the best global reputation.”

 

So why, as Criss reports, has the United States of America lost its position as Number One on the Good Country Index?

 

Readers of Apocryphal Press won’t be surprised at all: it’s the Donald Trump Effect.

 

We’ve been saying for some time that after Donald Trump became our Commander in Chief, Angela Merkel quickly emerged as the Leader of the Free World.

 

The Anholt-GfK Nation Brands Index measures fifty countries in multiple categories, including governance, exports, culture, people, tourism and immigration/investment. The United States was the overall No. 1 in 2016, but Germany came out number one this year.

 

As Criss and Anholt report, America’s brand has taken a major hit in the age of Trump. Anholt said, “We are witnessing a ‘Trump effect,’ following Trump’s focused political message of ’America First.'”

 

This year is not the first time that the United States has experienced such a big drop in the Good Country Index. Anholt said that the US saw a “similar fall in global perception” after Bush Two was reelected in 2004, and the US fell to number seven.

 

Associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, our chief European correspondent, wondered out loud whether Russian president Vladimir Putin (Влади́мир Влади́мирович Пу́тин) and his expert team of hackers and election manipulators were behind these developments. Russia, of course, didn’t even come close to making the top ten in Anholt’s list. “Putin is fluent in German from his five years in Dresden, in East Germany, as a low-level KGB operative,” Theis reminded us. “He used a cover identity as a translator. Putin is a master of deceit and manipulation, and he has proved himself to be a genius in manipulating, not only the 2016 presidential election in the US — far more than

that — he has conned Trump into thinking that he is Trump’s best personal friend.”

 

When associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones told Trump that the US fell to Number 6 in the Good Country Index because of the Trump Effect, Trump immediately said that it’s all the fault of CNN in general and Doug Criss, who is African American, in particular. “CNN is disgusting,” Trump told Jones, "and that’s why I’m gonna insist that Sessions has to do everything he can, through his Antitrust Division, to keep CNN off the air completely."

 

Trump also seized, with glee, on the troubles of Ohio’s Democratic Party. Seems that Ohio Supreme Court Justice William O’Neill, a Democratic candidate for governor of Ohio — a man who is evidently a bachelor — is openly boasting about his sexual prowess, according to Lindsey Bever in yesterday’s WaPo. As reported in today’s Denver Post, O’Neill is defending “heterosexual males” amid mounting accusations of male sexual misconduct here in the land of the free and the home of the brave. This, after some damn fool Navy flyers based at Whdbey Island Naval Station in Washington State used their Navy EA-18G Growler jet to sketch, in the clear blue sky, a cartoonish rendering of male genitalia. The F/A Super Hornet which created the images specializes in electronic warfare (http://www.denverpost.com/2017/11/17/navy-penis-skywriting-washington/).

 

When ASR Jones told Trump about the Navy’s male genitalia rendering in Washington State, he called Air Force Secretary Heather Wilson, a former Republican Congresswoman from New Mexico, and congratulated her on what she is doing for his morale. Trump won’t say a damn thing about Alabama’s leading sexist, Judge Roy Moore, but he loves attacking Democratic senator Al Franken — Trump seems to have totally forgotten the Hollywood Access tapes fiasco, which nearly cost him the election.

 

Fri

17

Nov

2017

Christie Demands That Trump Fire Sessions and Make Him Attorney General

Moments after Sen. Robert Menendez (D-New Jersey) emerged happily from a federal courtroom after Judge William Walls declared a mistrial in his corruption case, unthin New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, a Republican who will soon be replaced by Democrat Phil Murphy, called Donald Trump, with associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman at his side, and told him in his characteristically blunt style, “Sir, Roy Moore is a sure loser and he’s behind Doug Jones in the polls. You have to take a stand on this as the purported leader of our Party. You should fire Sessions, send him to Alabama to run against Roy Moore, and put me in thereat Justice to replace him.”

 

This, after Politico’s Josh Dawsey held a lengthy interview with Christie about his regrets, https://www.politico.com/magazine/story/2017/11/17/chris-christie-regrets-profile-2017-215832?lo=ap_e1.

 

“To show you how serious I am, I am willing to have you appoint me as the United States Attorney for New Jersey, a job in which I did phenomenally well before I successfully ran twice for governor in this state. Even though going back to my old job is really a step down, what I’m going to do is to go after Menendez big time, retry him, and get a conviction so he will be expelled from the Senate so somebody sensible, somebody who is not a Bannon protégé, can win as a Republican senator from this blue state.”

 

“If I do all those things for you I expect you to nominate me to replace Sessions. I assure you that with my extremely suave and winning demeanor, I will easily win confirmation. Then, I will help you get reelected and then I will run to succeed you.”

 

But associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was sitting right next to Trump, and she heard him mince no words to Christie: “Chris, not a chance. You’ll never leave the Garden State. Go visit Jon Stewart at Bufflehead Farm, his sanctuary for abused animals in your home state. Tell him you’ve been abused, but not by me.”

Thu

16

Nov

2017

In Alabama, Republican Politicians Sure Do Love Sex

As GOP leaders, from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on down (Donald Trump, not being much of anything resembling a so-called “establishment Republican,” hasn’t the faintest idea how to deal with his Roy Moore problem) are pondering what to do about Judge Roy Moore’s soon (December 12) to be successful campaign to go to Washington (https://www.politico.com/story/2017/11/15/roy-moore-republicans-alabama-senate-244961), so it has become necessary for us here at AP to put our own take on what got the GOP into this mess.

 

At the advanced age of 70, Judge Roy Moore, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roy_Moore, is still full of piss ’n vinegar.

 

Moore is a so-called born-again Christian. Born-again Christians are notorious for misreading and misinterpreting the portions of the New Testament which mistakenly promise life after death. As famed Catholic spiritual writer and priest Henri Nouwen famously said in an audiocassette, “When you’re dead, you’re dead".

 

In 2003, Moore, the “Ten Commandments Judge,” was removed from his day job as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court for failing to get rid of his monument to the Ten Commandments, which he had illegally put in the Alabama Judicial Building. He ran for Governor of the Heart of Dixie State as a Republican, in 2006 and 2010, but couldn’t get through the primaries. He then got himself elected once again as Chief Justice, but he was suspended in May of last year for directing probate judges to continue to enforce Alabama’s ban on same-sex marriages, despite the fact that the US Supreme Court had ruled that such laws are unconstitutional (Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. ____ (2015)).

 

Then Donald Trump received more votes than former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the Electoral College, and Trump named Alabama’s junior senator, Jeff Sessions, as his Attorney General, after Sessions was the first US Senator to endorse Trump for the presidency, as both are well-known xenophobes. Moore announced in April that he would run for the Republican nomination for Sessions’ seat. This, after then Gov. Robert Bentley appointed Big Luther Strange to the vacancy created by Sessions’ move to the Justice Department, where Sessions has fastidiously refused to do Trump’s bidding on issues near and dear to Trump’s heart. Bentley couldn’t keep his pants zipped up, so he was forced to resign, to be succeeded by his airhead Lieutenant Governor, Kay Ivey, who will be soundly defeated in November 2018 by former Alabama Chief Justice Sue Bell Cobb, a good ol’ gal Democrat. Big Luther ran for election, with a half-hearted endorsement from Trump, but The Ten Commandments Judge whipped Big Luther’s butt on September 26 and thus became the Republican nominee, to face Democrat Doug Jones on December 12. Jones is a former United States Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama, appointed by President Clinton; Jones prosecuted the remaining two Ku Klux Klan perpetrators of the 1963 bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing which killed four African American girls. Alabamans don’t like Democrats (Richard Nixon’s Southern Strategy took care of that) and Strange would have been a shoo-in if he had won the primary against Moore, a white supremacist who regularly embraces conspiracy theories. Moore joined Trump’s completely unfounded claim that Barack Obama was not born in the United States. Recently, five women have called Moore out for sexually assaulting them when they were teenagers and Moore was a thirty-something prosecutor. Moore has repeatedly attacked McConnell, who is losing lots of sleep trying to figure out how to keep Moore out of the Senate, even saying that if Moore is the victor on December 12 over Jones, he should be expelled from the Senate.

 

All this is because two Republican politicians in the Heart of Dixie State enjoy sex, in the, if we may say so, public square; both (Bentley and Moore) have been caught.

 

Associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith interviewed Moore early this morning. Smith asked him about the intense efforts by McConnell and the rest of the so-called Republican establishment to force him to quit the race (McConnell wants Sen. Strange to resign, thus forcing a special election so Sessions, soon to be fired by Trump, could jump in and save the seat for the GOP), only Sessions, a stubborn ol’ goat if there ever was one, doesn’t want to leave the Justice Department; Sessions enjoys spending most of his time being grilled by the House and Senate Intelligence Committee and, probably, by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.

 

Moore said, “Melissa Honey, God understands a man’s need to take care of his needs. Sure, I wanted to have sex with those five purty women, and I talked to God about that, and the Lord said it was okay ‘long as Ah didn’t let on that Ah had requested that those purty gals would service me.”

 

When ASR Smith told The Times, Politico, and CNN what Moore told her, Moore’s campaign filed suit against your apocryphal newspaper. The ACLU is defending us against Moore’s lawsuit. Contributions to our defense may be sent to Apocryphal Press c/o Tom Korson, 5757 East 22nd Avenue, Denver, CO 80207. 

 

Wed

15

Nov

2017

Kim Jong-un Grants Mugabe Political Asylum

93-year old Robert Mugabe, who has ruled Zimbabwe for nearly 40 years, is under house arrest, but his country’s military denies that it’s a coup (go figure!).

 

Associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, who is based in Seoul, has received highly sensitive information from his secret sources in North Korea, namely, that Kim Jong-un has granted Mugabe political asylum.

 

ASR Ko has read the tea leaves and has hypothesized what Kim, 35, said to Mugabe upon his arrival in Pyongyang.

 

“This is dictatorial courtesy,” Kim said. “I have for many years admired how you liberated your country from the British and then became its very successful dictator.”

 

“Because I admire you so much, I am doing for you something my country has never done before: I am granting you political asylum."

 

Mugabe was then whisked to an undisclosed location for his safety, but Ko conjectures that Mugabe will be housed immediately adjacent to the Yongbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Center (North Korea’s major nuclear facility) in Nyongbyon County, about 90 kilometers north of Pyongyang.

 

Ko tells us that Mugabe’s wife, Grace, 52, is “most likely” still in Harare, trying to seize power from the military.

 

“Kim Jong-un has a very dim view of women leaders,” Ko said in his latest post.

 

Tue

14

Nov

2017

Pence: "Regulations aren't in the Gospels, which is why there shouldn't be any federal regulations"

After reading Jane Meyer’s recent, extremely damning article in The New Yorker on former Indiana conservative talk show host Mike Pence, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones decided to confront Pence and grill him extensively about his dedication to repealing all regulations.

 

In her lengthy article, Meyer exposed Pence’s ties to the Koch Brothers as well as his close relationships with filthy rich leaders of corporations such as Indianapolis-based Eli Lilly.

 

“Regulations are not part of the Gospels,” the former Catholic, now a dedicated evangelical, said.

 

“That’s why I oppose any regulation that is not admired by my close personal friends the Koch Brothers — and I can assure you this hatred of regulations is very close to the hearts of Charles and David Koch.”

 

“I adore the Koch Brothers because they represent the best of America."

 

"There has not been a single regulation ever issued that either I or the Koch Brothers has liked.”

 

In Adam Cancryn’s article in yesterday’s Politico, “Pence’s health care power play: The vice president is driving a White House agenda dominated by the conservative, anti-regulatory policies he embraced as Indiana governor"(https://www.politico.com/story/2017/11/13/pence-health-care-azar-244859), Cancryn exposes us to the machinations of Donald Trump’s nominee to replace former Congressman Tom Price as head of Trump’s Department of Health and Human Services. 

 

Yesterday, Trump nominated former Indianapolis-based drug executive and longtime Pence supporter Alex Azar as his HHS Secretary.

 

“Once Azar is confirmed,” Trump told ASR Jones,  “I’m gonna tell him to lure John McCain to some God-forsaken place in the Arizona desert close to lotsa rattlesnakes.”

 

“Then Kelli Ward, a true conservative who loves me even more than I love making videos about my extensive knowledge of women’s physiognomies,” Trump continued, "can take either McCain’s seat in the Senate —  after Judge Roy Morse wins his special election on December 12 — or Kelli can easily win her campaign to replace Flake, a year from now.”

 

Jones went to her secret office in an undisclosed location in the White House, and wept.