The latest news…

Mon

15

Jan

2018

See How Trump Honors MLK's Legacy, and Also Why Kim Jong-un Is Happy

His three predecessors in the White House all engaged in service projects on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

 

Declaring himself to be the least racist man in the world, the nation’s leading racist, Donald J. Trump, broke the tradition of his three predecessors in the White House by golfing, swaggering as usual, and tweeting invective and rant.

 

And in Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un celebrated the false scare that he gave Hawaii. “Soon,” Kim told associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, “when the Winter Olympics start in PyeongChang, I’ll be crossing the DMZ aboard one of my tanks, as the South Koreans welcome me as their ordained leader.”

Sun

14

Jan

2018

Trump's Thinking About Giving Hawaii to Xi Jinping

While Donald Trump’s fat ass was on one of his numerous exclusive private golf courses, residents of Hawaii, and its numerous tourists, learned that the Aloha State’s emergency warning system didn’t work.

 

Initially, the system said that a missile attack was about to strike, sending residents and tourists into panic mode and shelters.

 

38 minutes later, the alert was canceled. Gov. David Ige and all four members of Hawaii’s congressional delegation — all good

Democrats — notified their constituents that it was human error.

 

With Donald Trump as he left his Mar-a-Lago golf course was associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones. “Johanna,” Trump said, “I don’t give a crap about Hawaii, ‘cause it’s a friggin’ blue state, with an Okinawan American Democrat for a governor, two Democrats for senators, and a Samoan-Hindu Congresswoman and a Japanese American Congresswoman, and both those dames are Dems.”

 

“Sir,” Jones asked, "at one time you were a Democrat, and now you are a Republican.”

 

“Shuttup Johanna! I am what I am.”

 

“So if Xi Jinpin wants it, I’m perfectly willing to work out a deal with him.”

 

“Sir,” Jones asked, “why don’t you like Hawaii?”

 

“What kind of journalism school did you go to? That’s where Obama claims he was born, but I’ll never believe it.”

 

For his part, Gov. Ige said that if Trump were to visit his state, “I would make sure to have a shithole ready for him.”

 

In Beijing, a spokesman for Xi told associate solitary reporter Gao Tang-ma that President Xi would only consider taking over Hawaii if Trump will quit bugging him about North Korea.

 

Sat

13

Jan

2018

Norway's Parliament Passes Law Forbidding Trump from Ever Visiting

The buffoon who ran for president in 2016 is not a graduate of the Fletcher School of Law and Diplomacy at Tufts University. The Fletcher School, as it is better known, is regarded as one of the world’s foremost graduate schools of international relations. Its graduates include hundreds of ambassadors and leaders of humanitarian organizations and non-profit groups which seek to promote peace among nations.

 

On his first visit to Europe last year, while attending a NATO summit, Donald Trump distinguished himself by conspicuously shoving aside the president of Montenegro, Dusko Markovic. Trump did that because Markovic, who is taller than he is, and, inevitably, better looking, was closer to the cameras than he was. Optics are of of the utmost importance for Trump. Trump’s worldview is shaped by his frequent declarations that he is the most important person in the world — a "stable genius," in his very own words.

 

This morning, NPR reported (https://www.npr.org/sections/goatsandsoda/2018/01/12/577673191/trump-wishes-we-had-more-immigrants-from-norway-turns-out-we-once-did) on the history of US immigration policy: in 1924, Congress established a visa quota system for immigration to the United States. First preference was given to Scandinavians, with people from Africa given minimal slots. Then in 1965, President Johnson, a Democrat, pushed hard to revise the system, and, in a ceremony at the Statue of Liberty, signed the legislation, which provided for immigration based on merit and family relationships. LBJ made an impassioned speech in which he praised the new principles as based on true American values.

 

Yesterday, it was difficult to find any news reports anywhere in the world other than minute by minute accounts of the perfect storm which Trump created by deliberately maligning Haitians and Africans. That’s when Trump said he wants people from Norway to come here, rather than Haitians who have AIDS or people coming from African "shitholes."

 

Trump was meeting with senators, including Illinois’ senior senator, Dick Durbin, a Democrat, in an attempt to resolve the hot button issue of immigration — in particular, what to do about undocumented immigrants, Trump’s Wall, and whether to extend protection for people from El Salvador who came here on temporary, non-immigrant visas after devastating earthquakes in 2001. Sen. Durbin and Sen. Lindsey Graham, Republican of South Carolina and a former presidential candidate, have been trying to forge a legislative compromise which might be acceptable to the xenophobic and racist occupant of the White House.

 

Trump demanded to know why so many people from Haiti and Africa are allowed to immigrate, calling them “shithole countries”, immediately causing an international furor. Trump, always facile in recalling what he did or did not say or do, denied that he made that remark, but Durbin said he did; the White House would not say that Trump did not say that; and House Speaker Paul Ryan, appearing at a political event in his home state of Wisconsin, said it was “unfortunate" that Trump said that. On Washington Week in Review yesterday evening on PBS, syndicated columnist Mark Shields accused Ryan of moral cowardice for not immediately condemning Trump.

 

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump when he received a congratulatory call from white supremacist Richard Spencer, one of Trump’s most devout supporters.

 

Our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, was in Oslo yesterday with Prime Minister Erna Solberg, who was addressing the Storting, Norway’s parliament. As soon as Solberg and the Storting’s leaders learned of Trump’s remarks, they immediately passed a resolution banning Trump from ever visiting Norway.

 

“We are a peace-loving people,” Solberg said. “Remember, it was right here in Oslo, in 1993, that we Norwegians facilitated the Oslo Accords, which established a framework for peace between Israel and the PLO. We don’t want Mr. Trump to come here and bad-mouth us, since he’s so good at maligning others.”

 

The Storting’s president, Olemic Thommessen, and Jonas Gahr Store, the leader of the Opposition, heartily applauded Solberg’s remarks.

 

As Durbin left the White House, associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith heard him say, “We in Congress need to require Donald Trump to go back to school, specifically, the Fletcher School.”

 

Wed

10

Jan

2018

Bannon To Take Over Limbaugh's Radio Show; Grassley Tells Trump to Make Sessions Indict Feinstein

This is one of those days where we here at AP have been forced by circumstances well beyond our control to mention numerous breaking news stories.

 

And we’re not even bringing in any of our ever-growing corps of trusted associate solitary reporters to cover Donald Trump’s sweet, sweet gift to Florida’s outrageously Republican governor, Rick Scott. Trump yesterday called off his threat to authorize drilling for oil off Florida’s coasts (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/01/09/florida-senate-scott-trump-oil-drilling-333144?lo=ap_c1), or the ruling by the Very Honorable William Alsup, a federal district judge nominated by President Clinton, to halt Trump’s xenophobic effort to shut down the DACA program for protecting Dreamers (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/01/09/trump-dreamers-daca-judge-333143). In his ruing, Judge Alsup, who grew up in Mississippi, said that the conclusion of Trump’s Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, that DACA is illegal, is based on a “flawed legal premise.” And what about the (inevitable) decision by Trump-loving former Aricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, 85, to run for Sen. Jeff Flake’s seat in Arizona?

 

Yesterday, we “reported” that that man of many careers, Steve Bannon, was wandering homeless in Washington after being forced out of Breitbart News. See https://www.politico.com/story/2018/01/09/bannon-steps-down-from-breitbart-news-329603?lo=ap_c1. See the conclusion of https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2018/01/09/how-can-this-be-trump-was-in-el-salvador-today-kaine-to-asr-smith-i-am-a-much-better-candidate-than-oprah/ to read our incisive report on Bannon’s homelessness.

 

But, just as Bannon went straightaway back to Breitbart News after Trump’s Chief of Staff, Gen. John Kelly, fired him on August 17, our chief Florida correspondent, Kevin St. Gaudens, followed Bannon to Rush Limbaugh’s radio studio in Palm Beach. Kevin St. Gaudens is a great-grandson of famed American sculptor Augustus St. Gaudens (1848-1907), who sculpted numerous statues of famed Civil War generals on the Union side.

 

Limbaugh is one of the world’s richest celebrities. In 1994, Republicans in the US House of Representatives, following the electoral success of the Gingrich Revolution, made Limbaugh an honorary member of their caucus. He has poisoned the airways while continually feeding Bannonites, Tea Partiers, crazed followers of former part-time Alaska governor Sarah Palin, Cliven Bundyites, and Trumpites what they crave.

 

“I was only homeless for a few hours,” Bannon told St. Gaudens, “so I borrowed one of my close personal friend Cliven Bundy’s numerous horses and rode all the way to Palm Beach. Dammit, St. Gaudens, quit following me so close.”

 

As they reached the outside of Limbaugh’s studio, Rush had reached the zenith of his daily rant against the mainstream press and the Democratic Party. That’s when Bannon broke in, as St. Gaudens videotaped Bannon pummeling Limbaugh to the ground, yelling, “Get out! I’m taking over! You’ve had your day in the sun! I brought you a s___load of painkllers, go stuff them down your ugly gullet,” whereupon Limbaugh sheepishly acceded to Bannon’s demands.

 

In other news, Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa), 84, called Trump, insisting that the current occupant of the White House direct his unbeloved Attorney General to indict Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-California) (also 84) after she unexpectedly, and without the approval of Grassley, released the 312-page transcript of Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson’s August 2017 interview with the Senate Judiciary Committee (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/01/09/feinstein-releases-transcript-of-interview-with-fusion-gps-co-founder-329573). That transcript shows that Simpson’s attorney said that it was dangerous to discuss the notorious dossier’s sources because its public release last year had already led to the murder of a Russian intelligence operative.

 

As associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones observed, as soon as Grassley called him, Trump, who is very close to firing his Attorney General, called Sessions and said, “Sessions, I’m giving you one last chance. Get Dianne Feinstein indicted right away, and you can stay working for me for another week.”

 

Tue

09

Jan

2018

How Can This Be? Trump Was In El Salvador Today; Kaine to ASR Smith: "I am a much better candidate than Oprah!"

Because of the astonishing nature of what we are about to relate, associate solitary reporters Susanna Sherman and Jim Bob Hobarto participated in what follows.

 

Yesterday, the Trump administration, in its total ignorance, announced that it will soon subject about 200,000 Salvadorans to deportation.

 

In 2001, El Salvador experienced two devastating earthquakes, which killed at least 944 people. In response, Congress, which actually sometimes does get things right, granted Salvadorans, who somehow managed to get here, temporary reprieves from deportation because of the humanitarian crisis. Naturally, they had children once they got here, most of whom have never been to El Salvador. As NYT Op-Ed Columnist David Leonhardt said, “[They] are deeply ensconced in American society.”

 

El Salvador is notorious for its high level of violence.

 

Donald Trump calls himself a Christian, but he is anything but.

 

That said, for all too mysterious reasons, he knows that he has to seek redemption at some point before he goes to Republican Hell.

 

So, moments ago, Air Force One landed at Monseñor Óscar Arnulfo Romero International Airport, in San Salvador, where he was affably greeted (but only at first) by Jefe de Estado Salvador Sánchez Cerén.

 

The only language which Trump knows is Twitterese, so he had no ability whatsoever to understand the Salvadoran President’s welcome.

 

“The hell you say!" Trump yelled at Cerén.

 

Then there ensued a big scuffle, in which the Secret Service pinned Cerén to the ground, but his security guards immediately rescued their president, and then they told Trump that they will not, under any circumstances, allow him to build a wall between El Salvador and Guatemala.

 

Trump is now on his way back to Mar-a-Lago, where he is dining with his wealthiest guests.

 

In other news, leading Democratic presidential candidate Tim Kaine told associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, “Melissa, just between the two of us, I would be a much more suitable presidential candidate than Oprah because I have been a governor and a senator and, not only that, I was supposed to be Hillary’s vice president, except that Steve Bannon ruined all that.”

 

Bannon, having just been banished from Breitbart News, is now wandering the streets of Washington all alone, totally homeless.