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How Can We Get Trump and Menendez to Work Something Out for Each Others' Benefit?

Illinois produced Honest Abe Lincoln and Senator Paul Douglas and Barack Obama and Adlai Stevenson and Senator Paul Simon, but major parts of Illinois are known for their tendencies toward corruption.
New Jersey ain’t so pretty either, but they have gardens there.
New Jersey contains a place called Bedminster which is one of Donald Trump’s favorite places and he wants to be buried there.
Given Trump’s tendency to be indicted frequently, and given senator Menendez’ legal troubles, associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman has been busy conjuring up ways to deal with the coming government shutdown, which Rep. Matt Gaetz, R-FL, is very much hoping to participate in because much of it is his fault. Coleman is well aware that Trump and Menendez are both stars in the corruption business, and he also knows that Menendez is not running for President. 
So here is what Coleman suggests:
Give Menendez a paid vacation in Cuba after he completes his prison term. 
But when it comes to Trump, Coleman, a very astute political observer, is stumped.
At this point, all AP fans are welcome to send suggestions, because the Trump part is monumentally difficult. Gitmo?






Modi Nukes Ottawa; Garland Kicks Jordan in the Cojones While Garland Defends Justice

India’s Prime Minister, ultra-nationalist Narendra Modi, does not like Sikhs.


Which is related to the Indian government’s actions in 1984 under then Prime Minister Indira Gandhi in Operation Blue Star, when she sent troops to Sikhism’s most treasured holy site, the Golden Temple pf Amritsar, which led to the deaths of over one thousand soldiers and civilians, as Mrs. Gandhi was pressured to take action against separatist Sikhs, a few of whom have been agitating for decades for their own independent territory within India’s Punjab in northwest India. 


One could go back to Lord Mountbatten, who drew the lines for various parts of India during Partition in 1947. That didn’t work out well for thousands of Indians who were slaughtered because of the Partition and Pakistan was created and they have nukes and it’s still there. 


Recently, a leader of the separatist Sikh community in British Columbia was killed and Prime Minister Trudeau has strong evidence pointing to the government of India for having ordered the killing.


Which is why our Chief International Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, just texted us to tell us that Modi has sent a mere two or three of his nukes to Ottawa to take out the Parliament Building in Ottawa. 


In other news, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and his minions, most noticeably including Judiciary Chairman Jim Jordan, did their best to decapitate Attorney General Merrick Garland during an oversight hearing today.


Jordan is one of Donald Trump’s most loyal adherents. 


To show the House Freedom caucus that he means business, Jordan always shows up for hearings with no jacket. Whether that is related to his time as a college wrestler has not been adjudicated. 


Were it not for Donald Trump’s support it is dubious if there would be Chairman Jim Jordan. He rules his Judiciary Committee as a Trump surrogate. Witness his harassment yesterday of Attorney General Merrick Garland today, and remember that it was Mitch McConnell who prevented President Obama’s nominee to the Supreme Court — Judge Merrick Garland — from even getting a hearing.


Jordan and his close personal friend Kevin McCarthy are engaged in nothing but payback for the Dems’ two impeachment efforts against Trump. Plus those pesky four indictments. 


Hunter Biden has his troubles and he is paying for his misdeeds, most if not all of which occurred when his father was Vice President, so now McCarthy, Jordan and friends, including Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.), have concocted a payback scheme with no evidence that Joe Biden did anything wrong, see, plus the astute comments of CNN’s Laura Coates yesterday evening.


Which is why for this post we had to bring in associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman.


Though of moderate height, Coleman, as a boy, wanted nothing more than to be an advanced practitioner of the sport of sumo, the ancient Japanese art of wrestling, where men of enormous physical stature throw themselves at each other with no consideration whatsoever for Buddhist compassion.  


Coleman is the only American who realizes that at the end of this month, the government will shut down because of lack of funds; but this does not bother McCarthy and Jordan and Boebert, they have other priorities. 


During yesterday's oversight hearing convened by Jordan, a former collegiate wrestling champion, ripped off his necktie and tackled Garland, but Garland, a true soldier of justice if there ever was one, kicked Jordan in the cojones, leaving him writhing in pain, while Garland continued his steadfast defense of Justice. 






See How Easily the Auto Workers Strike Could End

After years of intransigence, the Big Three auto makers, including Stellantis (the one that used to be Chrysler), the UAW finally went on strike at midnight on Friday (which is supposed to be a slow news time).


GM CEO Mary Barra receives a paltry $29 million in annual compensation. If her board fires her, she’s unlikely to be camped out on a street inside a tent.


Presumably (read: hopefully) a Democrat because she seems to be civic-minded to a degree, she told associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman that she is having trouble with the UAW’s demand for a wage increase. So maybe, Coleman told us, the best solution for the impasse is for all the hourly paid employees of Big Auto is for them to be detailed to Libya, which has substantial infrastructure needs after a flood that killed some 11,000 people when two dams broke, which should not have happened. Barra is not sure how to pay the workers once they get to Libya but she thinks the Republicans in Congress should cough up some funds just to be nice.


Barra said that it is finally time to face up to climate change and what to do about it, so it would be a good thing for the auto workers to go to Libya to assist in recovery efforts, and she would go there too, along with Bernie Sanders, and even Hunter Biden, and all of those persons would, by volunteering to go to Libya in its time of need, assist President Biden’s efforts to attack climate change, because every car made in Detroit and elsewhere contributes to worsening the environment.


Barra also commented that the Chinese, who care very little about the environment or human rights, are now making electronically powered cars and they are doing it poorly, which should be noted because the Chinese are also contributing to global warming and something should be done about that also.


The irrepressible Coleman chimed in, saying that the Republicans in Congress, especially Kevin McCarthy, would never allow the auto workers to leave their jobs unless all the workers promise to give their undying support to Donald Trump.






Trump Hires Proud Boys and Oath Keepers; Judge Chutkan Issues Protective Order

Donald Trump doesn’t mess around. He was our Bully-in-Chief for four years as he emulated dictators all over the world. In the last several days he issued threats against anyone who goes after him and we know what that means. So Special Counsel Jack Smith — who Trump insists is deranged — has sought a protective order. Associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman just visited with Judge Tanya Chutkan, and no lawyer or litigant would dare tangle with her.


Sherman has reviewed Judge Chutkan’s order but she is not allowed to reveal it to us, even though AP has more readers than ever. But we can tell you that Trump has enlisted his close personal friends at the Proud Boys and the Oath Keepers. Which is why Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin is in his bunker deep under the Pentagon. 


We here at AP are following this breaking news very closely. So is Chris Christie, one of the few gop presidential candidates who tells it like it is. Christie is taking his cues from former Texas Congressman Will Hurd, who knows full well that Trump is running against President Biden to stay out of prison.





Guess What, Rudy, Time's Up

Much to its credit, CNN yesterday covered Indictment Number Three nonstop with minimal if any ads.


Special Counsel Jack Smith, in his appropriately brief remarks, was spot on. We wonder when he takes time to laugh, as he takes his job very seriously. They must miss him at The Hague, where he used to work on war crimes in Kosovo.


Smith is an excellent tactician. He named some six co-conspirators but deliberately held off on indicting any of them. Tops on his list of fellow felons was Rudy Giuliani, who slavishly cheered on Donald Trump in his crazy-ass efforts to corrupt our fractured political process. Smith can indict Rudy and Eastman and the rest of them whenever he chooses. Best to bring United States v. Trump to trial post-haste. Rudy won’t cop a plea and neither will Eastman. Though always self-righteous, Pence looks like a man of virtue in this thing.


As always, we called upon our Chief Investigative Reporter, associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman, to delve into all the ins and outs of Indictment Number Three. We sent her to the inner sanctum of Justice Amy Coney Barrett for an exclusive interview with Trump’s newest SCOTUS appointee.


“Justice,” Sherman began, “what are your thoughts on Trump’s culpability, and why the hell can’t he chill and just spend some quiet time with Melania? She’s notoriously private but her political sense has to be three hundred percent better than his.”


“Susanna,” Barrett replied, “Trump should just go on a mini-vacation in Slovenia with Melania. I hear the mountains there are even more beautiful than the Rocky Mountains.”


“I already have my law clerks working overtime on a draft opinion telling Trump that everything he does on this election denial crap is ultra vires, or totally without his authority. He’s the most insecure president we’ve ever had.”


But what about Rudy? Our expert support staff found the lyrics to “Rudy,” by Richard Davies and Roger Hodgson. In pertinent part, they say:


“[Rudy], “You’d better gain control now

You’d better show ‘em all now

You’d better make or break now…

You’ll have to push and shove now

You’ll have to find some love now

You’d better gain control now”