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BERLIN —Alt-right champion Stephen Bannon, the CEO of Donald Trump’s presidential campaign, is smart enough to know that Trump, the USA’s leading xenophobe, will lose big time to Hillary Clinton on November 8, barring some unforeseen circumstance.
Our crack associate solitary reporter, Johanna Jones, accompanied Bannon on a secret mission to Berlin, where he met with Manfred Rouhs and Alfred Dagenbach, the leaders of the Pro-Germany Citizens’ Movement (Bürgerbewegung pro Deutschland). Jones, who is fluent in German, translated for Mr. Trump, whose grandparents, Elizabeth Christ Trump and Friedrich Trump, immigrated to the United States from Germany. (Donald Trump long ago refused to learn any foreign language.) Friedrich Trump is descended from Hanns Drumpf, a lawyer, who first settled in Kallstadt in 1608.
The Bürgerbewegung pro Deutschland is an extreme right-wing political party which at present has no representation in the Bundestag. Its platform is based on right-wing populism, opposition to Islam, and Euroskepticism.
“Welcome to our sacred Fatherland, Mr. Bannon and Ms. Jones,” Rouhs, the Chairman of Bürgerbewegung pro Deutschland, said. "We are very confident that Mr. Trump will become the Führer of America, either by election, so as to make it nonviolent, or in a well-planned coup, which would be much messier.”
“Alfred,” Rouhs said, “bring out the brownshirts.”
Dagenbach disappeared into a large supply room off the main corridor of the Bürgerbewegung and promptly returned with several truckloads of brownshirts — the most prominent symbol of Adolf Hitler’s Sturmabtellung, or Storm Detachment, which played a significant role in Hitler's rise to power in the 1920s and 1930s.
“We’ve arranged for FedEx to ship these immediately to your campaign headquarters in Trump Tower,” Dagenbach said. “As soon as Herr Trump’s millions of devoted followers see our brownshirts, they will immediately change into them, and Herr Trump will have everything he needs for his putsch.”
Bannon, beaming from ear to ear, said, “How brilliant! This is exactly what we need to make America great again! German will become our official language!"
As soon as Bannon and Jones walked out of the Bürgerbewegung, Jones fled to the American Embassy, where she briefed Ambassador John Emerson on the trauma which she had just experienced.
“Ms. Jones, you are a national hero,” Emerson said, making her blush.
In other news, both Gary Johnson and Jill Stein, sensing the inevitability of Hillary Clinton’s victory and hoping to be included in her Cabinet, have withdrawn their candidacies in the interest of giving Mrs. Clinton a clear mandate to govern.
“I want Commerce,” Johnson explained to associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith, "which I will turn into a gigantic marijuana business.”
“I want Energy,” Stein said, talking with associate solitary reporter Hieronymus Bosch. “I’m gonna turn America green again."
In Las Vegas yesterday evening, Donald Trump announced that he is the Ultimate Arbiter of the legitimacy of American elections.
As we reported on Tuesday, Trump was hoisted by Reince Priebus, Paul Ryan, and Mitch McConnell high up in the rigging of the Trump's Folly, which is now anchored just behind the Kennedy Center on the Potomac.
Closely observed by associate solitary reporters Johanna Jones and Jeremiah Jeremiad, Trump's campaign manager, pollster Kellyanne Conway (whose husband, George Conway, represented Paula Jones in her lawsuit against Bill Clinton), told CNN’s Dana Bash as she was walking away from the interview immediately after the third and final (thank God!) presidential debate that when the boorish billionaire loses on November 8 to the best qualified presidential candidate since Michael Dukakis, she will advise him to accept the verdict of the people.
Although we reported yesterday that Libertarian Party presidential candidate and 2016 election spoiler Gary Johnson planned to watch the third and final presidential debate in Aleppo, he never could figure out where Aleppo is, so he guessed out of desperation that it is on Kauai. So we sent associate solitary reporter Jeanne Smith to the Garden Island, where she found him sprawled flat on his ass, torched up on weed at Black Pot Beach Park. Smith ever so rudely asked him where Aleppo is, but Johnson, who became president and CEO of Cannabis Sativa in 2014, was so stoned that he thought that Smith was either a Syrian businesswoman or a close personal friend of Jill Stein (another 2016 election spoiler).
Libertarian Party presidential nominee Gary Johnson, intent on throwing the election to Donald Trump, has a plan.
“It’s a very simple plan,” Johnson, the former two-term Republican governor of New Mexico, explained to our newest associate solitary reporter, Jeremiah Jeremiad. “I’ll be watching the debate in Aleppo."
WASHINGTON – Every day, Donald Trump, constantly whining and foaming at the mouth, yells that this presidential election is rigged.
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus knows full well that his party’s nominee won’t get more than 200 electoral votes on November 8. Arizona and Georgia will go for Hillary, as will Florida, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, and Ohio.
But the candidate doesn’t have a clue.
Ohio’s Republican Secretary of State, Jon Husted, speaking on CNN, called Trump’s claims of rigging “irresponsible.” Husted specifically told the GOP nominee, “… So if there is a systemic problem, please identify it. Don’t just make an allegation on Twitter. Tell me, tell the Secretaries of State around the country what the problem is so we can fix it."
So back in April, Priebus, in the presence of associate solitary reporter Juliette Morgan, persuaded RNC Co-Chair Sharon Day and Treasurer Tony Parker to spend $10 million of the RNC’s vast quantity of money to buy their nominee a barque.
“You see,” Priebus explained to Morgan, “a barque is a sailing ship, the kind that depends on skillful sailors and wind. The rigging — you know, the ropes – is very important because that’s what the sailors use to move the sails into position. And since Trump keeps screaming that this election is rigged, here’s what we’re gonna do. The Trump’s Folly will be delivered to me. She will be sailing up the Potomac from Chesapeake Bay. She was, of course, made in China, and she was brought to the Chesapeake Bay last week in the deepest secrecy.”
“The Trump's Folly will dock temporarily at Buzzards Point, where the Anacostia River and the Potomac meet, right here in our Nation’s Capital.”
“I have asked Mr. Trump to come down here to try to mend fences with Congress. I know that’s impossible, but I’ll use that as a ruse to get him down here.”
“Once I get him in my office, I will take him to where the barque will be anchored, right behind the Kennedy Center. It will be decorated with really bright neon signs advertising that there is a Trump casino on board. Next, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and I are gonna push him up into the rigging, tie him up, and leave him there, swinging in the breeze."
In other news, alert reader Fred Ris has suggested that Trump’s most logical choice for Secretary of Defense is Donald Trump, since he knows more than the generals.
Ris also predicts that Trump’s logical pick for Chairman of the FCC is Roger Ailes.
RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — With three weeks to go, Donald Trump, supremely confident that his hatemongering rhetoric, together with his conspiracy theories and his hatred for the Republican Party, will propel him to the White House, has told our associate solitary reporter, Johanna Jones, exactly whom he will direct the Senate to confirm as his nominees to his Cabinet and other key positions.
In previous posts, we have indicated several of Mr. Trump’s choices, so in the list below, we indicate the dates of those picks for the benefit of our readers. Further detail on those selections can be found by consulting our sitemap.
Secretary of State: Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov (October 8). Mr. Trump will tell Lavrov to appoint Billy Bush as his Chief of Diplomatic Protocol.
Ambassador to Slovenia: the current Mrs. Trump.
FLOTUS: Mr. Trump will choose a new trophy wife after he sends Melania to Slovenia.
Ambassador to Brazil: Ryan Lochte (August 21).
Treasury: John Stumpf (September 20), although Rudy Giuliani wanted that job, or Homeland Security, really bad.
Attorney General: Alabama’s Judge Moore (October 1).
Interior: Jack Gerard, President and CEO of the American Petroleum Institute. Mr. Trump Adoes not approve of the appearance of President Obama’s Interior Secretary, Sally Jewell.
Defense: as of press time, this position has not been filled. We here at AP invite readers’ suggestions.
Transportation: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. Christie, who is nominally directing Mr. Trump’s transition planning, really wanted to be tapped as Veep or as Attorney General, but he lost out to the Ten Commandments Judge.
Health and Human Services: Wayne LaPierre, the top gunslinger at the NRA. (“The safety of all our citizens is my top concern," Trump told Jones).
Child Protection Services Division of Health and Human Services: Barron Trump.
Surgeon General: Trump's physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein (August 30).
Homeland Security: Ann Coulter (September 13). Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio was seriously considered, but he lost out to Coulter because, at 84, he is too old.
Education: Trump University Co-Founder Jonathan Spitalny (September 14).
Labor: Sen. Rand Paul (TP-Kentucky). Sen. Paul is in favor of abolishing the Mine Safety and Health Administration, which is part of the Labor Department, and Trump has embraced Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell’s constant refrain that President Obama and Mrs. Clinton have declared war on coal.
Housing and Urban Development: Eric Trump.
Agriculture: Tiffany Trump ("I want a pretty girl in there, that’s the important thing”).
Energy: Ivanka Trump (“Ditto”).
Veterans Affairs: This Department will be abolished. "Mr. Trump is not interested in supporting veterans,” Jones informed us. “Mr. Trump told me that any veterans who are wounded are losers."
Environmental Protection Agency: the EPA is not a Cabinet agency, which means that, for Mr. Trump, it does not deserve to continue within the US government.
White House Press Secretary: Roger Stone, longtime GOP back alley political operative and the author of The Clintons’ War On Women.
Nominee to the Supreme Court to succeed Justice Antonin Scalia: Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas). “That way, he won’t run against me in 2020,” Trump explained to Jones.
Commerce: Donald Trump Jr.
Chairman of the RNC: Sen. Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), the first sitting senator to endorse Mr. Trump. Sen. Sessions almost got the top spot at Homeland Security, but lost to Ann Coulter because Mr. Trump thinks so highly of women.