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OLD FAITHFUL – Here at the most famous geyser in the world in the USA’s oldest national park, a solitary reporter was suddenly blindsided early this morning by the sight of real estate developer turned big time loser and GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump.
The National Park Service is under siege by Congress. This week marks the 100th anniversary of the creation of the National Park Service. Because of Republican shortsightedness, our national parks and national monuments are running critically short of badly needed funds for long-delayed maintenance, just as attendance records at our national parks and monuments are being broken.
Yesterday, Rush Limbaugh cracked up on the air because The Donald is flip-flopping on his immigration platform. Last year on June 16, Trump, announcing his presidential campaign, descended on his escalator in his Tower and let loose his notorious rant against Mexican criminals and rapists.
Poor Jeb Bush — you remember Jeb — you know, Low Energy Jeb — the man who was unfortunate enough to have announced his campaign for president the day before The Donald. It was Jeb! who sensibly campaigned during the GOP presidential primary on an immigration platform somewhat resembling the immigration reform bill passed in the Senate in 2013, but never taken up by the House. The Senate bill would have, with stringent safeguards, created the possibility of a path for citizenship for people who came to the land of the free and the home of the brave illegally, but who have lived and worked here for years without getting into trouble. Jeb, of course, could not dare to embrace a path to citizenship, but his stance on allowing illegal immigrants to stay here legally cost him big-time in the face of Trump's attacks.
Trump keeps yelling about “making America safe again” — his language always drenched in xenophobic vitriol – but now he is, to a limited extent, accepting advice from campaign manager Kellyanne Conway, a sensible woman who realizes that we are not in the primary season anymore. No doubt, Conway realizes full well that 95% of all Latino voters will vote for Hillary. So it makes no sense at all for Trump to say, as he did yesterday, that he would “work with” (whatever that means) Latinos and others to craft some version of an immigration platform slightly resembling the bill passed by the Senate in 2013.
The solitary reporter brashly asked Trump what in the world he was doing in the Cowboy State (Dick Cheney’s home state), which has only three electoral votes, and which has not voted for a Democratic presidential candidate since God was a baby.
As National Park Service Director Jonathan Jarvis looked on, Trump grabbed the solitary reporter and threw him into Old Faithful, saying, “You have no faith in me! so you are a heretic. This’ll get you real clean!”
Jarvis grabbed the solitary reporter and Trump, sent Trump to the tender custody of the Secret Service, and took the solitary reporter to the Old Faithful Inn, where he was restored to the Hillary-approved campaign outfit in which he arrived.
RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER – Amid all the fuss and furor about the Clinton Foundation, associate solitary reporter John Jones decided to investigate the Trump Foundation.
It was not easy.
Pretending to be an emissary from RNC Chairman Reince Preibus in Washington, with an offer of several million dollars to rehabilitate Trump’s campaign, Jones was given full access to Trump’s personal financial contributions, as well as the charitable donations made by the Trump Organization and its numerous subsidiaries
Jones left empty-handed.
BROOKLYN — Ungracious man that he has always been, former Breitbart News Chairman Steve Bannon, now the CEO of the Trump campaign, has been spreading virulent rumors about HRC’s health (http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/clinton-health-concerns-pushback-227159).
But Bannon seems to be blissfully unaware that his perpetually hate-mongering candidate, who constantly has diarrhea of the mouth, is more than likely to explode at one of his mega-rallies.
HRC is 68 and DT is 70. DT has released a one pager from his gastroenterologist, but other physicians, including, notably, Dr. Burton Lee, who was Bush One’s personal physician during his four years as president, have called for much more transparency on Trump’s part. DT regularly eats fast food, doesn’t get much sleep, and seldom takes vacations.
After reading yesterday’s report in the Times by Patrick Healy about the physical readiness for the presidency of the two leading candidates (http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/23/us/politics/clinton-trump-health.htmlemc=edit_th_20160823&nl=todaysheadlines&nlid=64422958&_r=0), Surgeon General (and Vice Admiral) Vivek Murtha told a solitary reporter that Trump’s health prospects are much worse than Clinton’s, but promised to provide all necessary medical services when Trump experiences his first heart attack while campaigning. “But you know, SR,” Murtha said, “I'd really appreciate it if he would come to his senses and quit attacking the Affordable Care Act, which has kept Secretary Clinton very healthy indeed, because it is so terribly important that everybody in this country have good, affordable health care. She worked valiantly during her husband’s first term to persuade the Congress to pass meaningful legislation to reform our broken health care system, but the GOP stonewalled, and President Obama managed to get it passed.”
After learning in a roundabout way about Dr. Murtha’s comments, Bannon called the NRA’s Wayne LaPierre and reminded him that his organization had tried, but failed, to defeat Murtha’s nomination as Surgeon General, and ordered LaPierre to rally all his gunslingers to protest.
For his part, Trump demanded that Murtha, an Indian-American, be deported to Karnataka, India, where his parents came from originally.
RNC HEADQUARTERS, TRUMP TOWER — Given that Donald Trump will never concede the legitimacy of Hillary Clinton’s victory over him on November 8 (http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-conced routers wille-succession-227252), your solitary reporter has been tasked with finding out and passing on to his readers the intelligence which he has surreptitiously gained at Donald Trump for President headquarters.
Now that Trump — who boasts that he is really rich, but who knows? — has hired conservative provocateur par excellence Stephen Bannon as the CEO of his presidential campaign — and given that he is already receiving advice from former Fox News top male chauvinist pig Roger Ailes — should we not suppose that after he loses to HRC, Trump will start yet another business with his own brand, this one to be called Trump Network, to rival CNN?
The solitary reporter teleported himself to Trump’s headquarters, where, outside the presence of Corey Lewandowski's successor, Bannon told Trump, “Sir, your superb business acumen has always been tied in with your larger than life self.”
Ailes immediately chimed in, saying, “Sir, I am damn sure that Rupert Murdoch is going to hire me back at Fox News, but just in case he has a last-minute change of heart, I am definitely your guy to launch Trump Network.”
The Donald said, “Sure, go ahead, get it started. But just remember, you are both my apprentices."
RIO DE JANEIRO — Somewhere in the deep and dim recesses of Donald Trump’s mind, there is a molecule with a tag on it that says “Nobody in the world outside the USA likes me, except for the fantastic people of Slovenia.”
Thus, seeking to burnish his foreign policy cred, he has just announced, with a solitary reporter observing, that he will be appointing Ryan Lochte as his ambassador to Brazil.
Trump came here today to make the announcement because today is the last day of the Rio Olympics. “Ryan is my kind of American, to tell you the truth,” The Donald said. Lochte notoriously claimed that he and three other American swimmers had been assaulted by four men dressed as Brazilian police, when in fact the Americans had vandalized a bathroom in a nightclub while drunk. Lochte then had to apologize, but he lamely said that he had exaggerated the situation, rather than taking responsibility.
Acting Brazilian President Michel Temer was quick to respond to Trump’s announcement, saying “Yankee ir para casa!” (“ Yankee go home!”).
Our current Ambassador to Brazil, Liliana Ayalde, applauded Temer, saying that Trump should never have been allowed into Brazil based on his long history of making racist statements and discriminating against ethnic minorities in his real estate business.
For his part, Lochte was relieved to learn that the Brazilians don’t want him there. “I was entitled to do whatever I wanted there,” Lochte explained to associate solitary reporter John Jones, “they are supposed to be carefree people, but they’re not that way at all."