Can You Believe Who the Republicans Just Picked for Their Speaker?

October 13, 2023    


After Trumpistic Kevin McCarthy was dethroned from his job as House Speaker, House Republicans have been totally stymied over which man (or woman) they would elect as their Leader.


It’s a closely guarded secret, known only to associate solitary reporter Sallie McGirk.


“SR, that’s easy," McGirk began, "just think of the most widely reviled Member of the House, because that’s what Republicans like in their leaders: most importantly, they have to be super-enthusiastic Trumpies.”


“This Member almost lost her seat in November, and her opponent is running against her for the second time.”


“She’s a party girl, and the Republicans, unbelievably, still have a Party, even though her Party won’t be around for much longer.”


“You guessed it, SR! You’re right, House Republicans have just held a private meeting, in which they said they can’t stand either Jim Jordan or Steve Scalise, and they want their Speaker to be a woman as strong as Nancy Pelosi; so the next Speaker of the House will be Lauren Boebert.”  


McGirk is the only one in the world brave enough to announce the unannounceable, because Boebert can’t collaborate with anyone, especially in her Freedom Caucus.


Boebert really is a party girl, and she lives in the far west of Colorado when she’s not strolling about in Washington with a pistol in her purse, and on rare occasions she ventures into Denver, even though most everyone in Denver is a Democrat. Recently, at a movie theatre in Denver, Boebert, who is going through a divorce, was asked to leave the theatre because she was vaping and talking loudly and letting her boyfriend know that she wanted to have sex with him right there in the theatre.