Trump's Loudest Congressional Supporter, Lauren Boebert, Resigns

Our Chief International  Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, has visited every major industrial nation except France, which means that he has spent several vacations in South Africa, Elon Musk’s country of origin.


Theis is way too busy to have learned if Musk learned Afrikaans as a boy, so we’ll cut to the chase.


The only way House Speaker Kevin McCarthy could grab the Speaker’s gavel was to promise Lauren Boebert, a superTrumpie who represents most of western Colorado, that she could all by herself demand from the floor of the Peoples’ House that McCarthy quit so that Congressman Chip Roy (R-Texas) could become Speaker.


Musk bought Twitter so he could have more influence over peoples’ lives than he would have if his only businesses were SpaceX and Tesla. 


Musk is no dummy, which is why, according to our Chief Congressional Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, Musk arranged to silence Boebert by telling his new Twitter CEO, Linda Yaccarino (who is fluent in Italian) to hire Boebert as her Chief Deputy.


“I’ve always loved birds,” Boebert told Smith, “and that’s why, when I owned Shooters Grill, I always shot every single eagle that landed on the roof there.”


”You know, my idol, Sarah Palin, proved herself as a man’s woman by killing at least a dozen caribou a day.”


As result of Boebert’s resignation, a vacancy committee of the Colorado Republican Party will convene tomorrow to begin vetting Boebert’s replacement.


Boebert’s husband, Jayson, is a consultant for Terra Energy, a large producer of natural gas in Colorado. Jayson told Smith that now that his wife will be Yaccarino’s number two, he has no desire to dissolve his consultancy company, from which he received a mere $478,000 in 2020.


Finally, CNN’s CEO, Chris Licht, promised one of his top stars, Kaitlan Collins, that he will never ever ask her to go to Goffstown, New Hampshire and interview Donald Trump, especially with a hostile, snickering audience at St. Anselm College. 


Our Chief New Hampshire correspondent, Dan McGuiness, attended the CNN Town Hall in Goffstown. He was the only reporter in the audience who distinctly heard Trump tell Collins, “You’re a nasty person and you are not at all my type.”