In Which We Got the Scoop on Who's Gonna Replace Sam Bankman-Fried at FTX

Now that arctic temperatures have frozen most of the United States, we here at AP finally figured out why disgraced cryptogiant trader Sam Bankman-Fried set up his crypto empire, FTX, in the Bahamas, where the weather is (absent hurricanes) much more pleasant.


Now that he is in the United States under the tender protection of the FBI, it’s time for us to let you know who his replacement is.


That’s easy: his name is Donald Trump, a man very skilled at defrauding anybody whom he comes across.