Trump Hires Viktor Bouts to Be His Security Guard

Yesterday, President Biden joyfully announced that he had secured the release from a Russian gulag of basketball superstar Brittany Griner, who had become a pawn in the conflict between the United States and Vladimir Putin. Griner was arrested on minor, relatively inconsequential drug charges. She is now being debriefed in a military hospital in Texas.


For his part, Putin was determined to free convicted arms dealer Виктор Анатольевич Бут (Victor Anatoly Bout), whose mission in life was to kill Americans. Bout was known as "the Master of Death,” and was extremely skilled in evading capture.


As the Times’ Valerie Hopkins and Alan Yuhas wrote, Bout (pronounced “Boot”) was probably the highest-profile Russian in U.S. custody. 


Because Bout was known for being more than ruthless, our large staff of associate solitary reporters learned only moments ago from associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones that Donald Trump, living in disgrace in his exclusive club in Florida, has hired Bout to be his chief bodyguard.


“It doesn’t bother me at all that Bout wanted to kill lots of Americans,” Trump told Jones. “But because he is merciless, and because I am the most important man ever to lead America, Viktor will protect me at all cost.”


“Viktor Bouts is precisely the kind of friend that a maligned citizen like me needs in his corner.”