Exclusive: What Xi and Biden Did Today in Bali

As long as we news junkies are willing to wait, eventually, a meeting of two very important world leaders is bound to happen, which is why China’s President for Life, Xi Jingping, and a much better President, Joe Biden, met today in Bali.


Our East Asia Correspondent in Chief, associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun, was there of course, with Indonesian President Joko Widodo eagerly listening in.


Xi began by banging his fist on the table as soon as Biden started carping about the Uyghurs. “If you do that one more time, Joe, I’ll make all my Native American friends move into your White House.”


But Biden never lost his composure. He told Xi to quit building artificial islands in the South China Sea. Biden calmly said, “You already have Hainan Island and you have every right to have it, but no more.”


Then they began talking about Ukraine and Xi’s ambivalent attitude about Europe’s largest nation and what to do about Putin’s War.


Xi said that Putin owes him big time for not aligning himself with all the heavy hitters in Europe. “But as usual, Joe, China really only cares about itself, so don’t expect me to help you out any there.”


Eventually Biden began experiencing distinct signs of impatience as he quickly realized that Xi was stalling. Then Xi demanded that Ko go back to Seoul or Tasmania or some such place far away from Bali. But Ko wouldn’t leave and initiated a lengthy conversation with Widodo.


“Joko, what can you and I do to get Xi to quit building coal plants which he doesn’t need and get him to wake up and smell the sunshine?”


Widodo had a quick response: “SR, give up on that. Remember that China only takes care of itself. Xi is as bad as Kim Jongun, he’ll never agree to concede anything along environmental lines.”