In Which We Explain Most Poetically, in French and English, Why Macron Is So Miffed at Joe Biden

The distance between Fort-de-France, the capital of Martinique, and St Thomas, the capital of the US Virgin Islands, is 314 nautical miles. 


Martinique is an integral part of France. Famed poet Aime Cesaire (1913-2008), one of the founders of the Negritude literary movement, was born there, where he composed his epic Cahier d’un Retour au Pays Natal (“Notes on my Return to My Native Land”), between 1936 and 1939. 


Donald Trump has never heard of Aime Cesaire, but he has heard of Julius Caesar (100 BCE-44 BCE), though it was only yesterday that Melania told him about William Shakespeare. Not only that, Trump hasn’t the faintest idea what BCE stands for.


Our Chief International Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, a longtime resident of southern France, knocked on French President Emmanuel Macron’s door in the Elysee Palace a few minutes ago.


Speaking through a translator (associate solitary reporter and longtime Parisienne Charlize Meursault), Theis asked Macron why he has chosen to destroy St Thomas with one of his nukes.


“C’est tres facile, ma douce petite” ("That’s easy, my little one”) Macron said. “In their infuriating, and extremely awkward, AUKUS agreement between Boris Johnson and Scott Morrison down under in Australia, Joe Biden stabbed me in the back on my little arrangement with Scott, where I had agreed to make a few nuclear-powered submarines for him. That’s costing me twenty-four billion US dollars — all because Biden, having been humiliated by the Taliban, wants to confront Xi Jinping in the Pacific, where he keeps building artificial islands in the South China Sea."


“As a result, Philippe Etienne, my Ambassador to Washingto, will not be returning to the District of Columbia for many years now.”


“In fact, I’m thinking of sending him to Fort-de-France in Guadeloupe for a little R &R."


“If Biden wants to kiss up and be friends with me again, I will be happy to drop trow and tell him what to do.”


All this prevented Theis from asking Macron in detail why he plans to launch one of his 300 nukes to the densely populated St Thomas, the capital of the US Virgin Islands, which, on a daily basis, receives numerous floating cities known as cruise ships, several of which are owned by Tom Cruise. The floating cities consume billions of dollars of petroleum, thus catastrophically increasing global warming.