Putin Fesses Up: His Hackers Got Colonial Pipeline, with Worse Yet to Come

Our Moscow-based associate solitary reporter, Foma Kheroshonsky, met much earlier today with Vlad Putin.


Putin, a seasoned KBG agent years ago, is very good at lying. He’s much better at it than Donald Trump; and in the lying department, Trump raised the bar.


That means that Putin’s expert hackers have promised him maxium deniability.


Trump’s ultra-hawkish former National Security Advisor, John Bolton, has truthfully let the world know that Putin played Trump like a violin.


Kheroshonky is a priest in the Russian Orhodox Church, which values confession.


“Vlad,” Kheroshonsky began, "your hackers — disguised as a ransomware company, but they work directly for you, everybody knows that — they hacked into Colonial Pipeline’s massive five thousand mile plus line that carries all sorts of environmentally toxic materials from Houston to New York Harbor."


“Colonial had to shut down their whole system, causing them to lose massive amounts of money, and your hackers, Vlad, are demanding a really huge amount of rubles, to go directly into your pocket.”


"Not only that, Vlad, yet another team of your highly skilled hackers is targeting officials in President Biden’s government.”


Kheroshovky was referring to a report today by Politico’s Lara Seligman and Andrew Desiderio, which details Putin’s attacks on high-level officials in the Biden Administration, causing serious illnesses, probably like Alexei Novalny’s near death experience (https://www.politico.com/news/2021/05/10/russia-gru-directed-energy-486640).


“So the big question now is whether President Biden will give in to your dark money ransomware people.”


“As usual, Foma,” Putin began, “you have absolutely no basis for anything you just said.”


“But as a Russian czar, and a devout Orthodox Christian, I'll just spill my beans right away, if that’ll make you feel better.”


“Of course my hackers did that, and they are very loyal to me, because I am a multi-billionaire and thus a devout Communist. My people love me, and they absolutely want me to have my own private palace to augment my palace in Sochi, where it’s nice and warm.”


“Foma, under no circumstances are you to tell Biden’s Sylvania Juguete what I have just said, unless she can pay that ransom real quick.” 


"As soon as Joe pays that, he can begin the process of returning Alaska to me. There’s a lot of natural resources there, especially in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. I don’t care anything about caribou, I just want to get all the oil that’s under there, out, lightning quick, so I can lay up huge stockpiles here in Russia and nowhere else.”


Using ultra-high tech computers developed by his close personal friend, computer guru Anthony Kenwood, Kheroshonsky texted Juguete, who immediately texted Kheroshonky back, saying that President Biden will pay absolutely NO ransom to line Putin’s pockets.