Cruz Flees to Mexico, Begs for Political Asylum, and Faces Immediate Deportation; But How About Mars?

We can always count on senator Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) to have the best interests of the Lone Star State at heart. Truly, truly, he never thinks of himself because he is such a devoted Southern Baptist, who knows the New Testament by heart, especially the passages where Jesus exhorts his disciples to be compassionate to everybody, and to think ever so little of oneself.


Which is why the former and future Republican presidential candidate fled the United States today and went to Cancun in the midst of an allout emergency in his home state, with hundreds of thousands of Texans, especially in marginalized communities, without power (; see also our report from yesterday at


But no mention of the least popular senator in Washington should take place without bringing in Andy Borotwitz, who cogently persuades us in his Borowitz Report in The New Yorker that Ted went to Cancun to figure out, all by himself, whether Mexico stole heat and sun from Texas.


And there’s yet another angle to all this: our associate solitary reporter covering everything south of the border, Santiago Reyes, was in Cancun with Cruz and Mexico’s President, AMLO (Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador), as Cruz went down on his knees and begged AMLO for political asylum.


“As a Christian brother and as a fellow Latino,” Cruz wailed at the top of his lungs, "You have to help me!! Nobody in the Senate likes me! Even Donald Trump doesn’t like me, and for sure, my constituents in Texas hate me, they say I am a hypocrite, and, worst of all, everybody in the Southern Baptist Convention has demanded that I be excommunicated! What am I to do, Señor Hermano?”


It didn’t take long for Lopez Obrador to respond, saying, “Amigo, hermano, lo siento, pero no puedo,” (“Sorry, nothin' doin’ ”) at which point he compasionately asked the local police to escort Cruz to the local office of the U S Border Patrol for immediate deportation.


As he bid Cruz goodbye, he said gently, “Mi Hermano, tal vez El Presidente Biden podria enviarte a Marte para pilotar el Mars Rover. Adios y buena suerte” (“Maybe President Biden could send you to Mars to pilot the Mars Rover. Goodbye and good luck."


Cruz’ Mexico trip bests, by several miles, Denver Mayor Michael Hancock’s Thanksgiving airplane trip to Mississippi to visit his wife and daughter while he was simultaneously telling Denver residents that under no circumstances should they travel because of the dangers of the pandemic.