Associate Solitary Reporter Johanna Jones Finds Trump Just Below Rat Creek, Near Big Sur

Donald Trump’s legal team has vanished.


On Tuesday, only two days away, his response to his Second Impeachment is due in Senate President Pro Tempore Patrick Leahy’s office, but his bigtime lawyers have left him hanging.


Rudy Giuliani can’t defend him ‘cause Rudy was part of the lawless group inspiring the Proud Boys, the Oath Keepers, and other hyperangry Americans to commit the January 6 insurrection at the U S Capitol. If witnesses will be called in the trial, Rudy’s gonna be one of them, and Rudy wants to keep his license to practice law.


We here at AP watch the news very closely, which is why our Denver-based associate solitary reporter, Lewis Thompson III (the moderate Moderator of the Unitarian Universalist Association), noticed that yesterday, a big chunk of California Scenic Highway 1 broke off at Rat Creek, closing the highway, as the chunk slipped easily, as well as eagerly, into the ocean, not far from Big Sur (we must never forget that Donald Trump, whenever he’s in front of a camera, is surly).


There has been much buzz at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump is pouting, that our former Narcissist-in-Chief might represent himself in the Second Trump Impeachment Trial, which begins on February 9.


Since January 20, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones has been with Trump at Mar-a-Lago (where she and Melania are frequently seen trying to claw each others’ eyes out), but only five minutes ago, Jones texted us to tell us that she had found Trump at the bottom of the ravine at Rat Creek.


“Hey Donny Boy, you’re a monstrous rat!” Jones yelled to Trump, who was pissing and moaning about the physical and emotional injuries he suffered on November 3, as well as when the highway collapsed, “how’s hanging?”


Trump’s response cannot be printed in this family-friendly apocryphal newspaper.