We here at AP always do our utmost to fulfill the mission of the Democratic Party, both nationally and locally right here in Colorado.
As this is a satirical blog, we always start with a news item that is factually true, and then we spin it.
To do this, we have assembled, over the years, a stellar cast of the very best associate solitary reporters, including Pastor Eddie Cook, the Chairman of the Denver Republican Party.
Ever since Donald Trump, the least qualified by far of any previous individual to serve as Commander-in-Chief, descended down his escalator at his Tower in June, 2015, then Democratic National Committee Chair Tom Perez assigned twenty-five year old associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, a former Miss Universe and an African American, to be with Trump at all times. Jones has diligently, and always with elan, reported directly to us and then to Perez.
Jones has thus participated in every single flawed moment of the time that Trump was a candidate and when he was on his very numerous and very private golf courses, as well as when he sat behind the Resolute Desk being typically brash and totally iressponsible.
Today, Joe Biden became our President, and Kamala Harris became our Vice President.
So we here at AP, who always coordinate very closely with the Democratic National Committee, have just received a text from newly minted DNC Chair Jaime Harrison, an African American from South Carolina who almost nipped Trump’s close personal friend and always stalwart Trump supporter Lindsey Graham in the Palmetto State on November 3.
Harrison has now replaced, at President Biden’s request, former DNC Chair Tom Perez.
Perez was Secretary of Labor under President Obama. Your soitary reporter was an attorney in the U S Labor Department from 1968, when Richard Nixon was still president, and served there in the District of Columbia and in Denver for twelve years before he became a community minister with the Unitarian Universalists and then, in retirement, your solitary reporter.
Harrison texted us moments ago to inform us that he has selected Sylvania Juguete to succeed ASR Jones. Jones is now assigned in her continuing capacity as an associate solitary reporter to stay with Trump, the man who today did the same as Andrew Johnson, our seventeenth president, who was impeached only once, did on Inauguration Day in 1869, while Trump’s been impeached twice, and Trump did the same thing as president Johnson, an arrogant son of Tennessee but President Lincoln’s Vice President, when president Andrew Johnson skipped the inaugaatioan of President General Ulysses S. Grant, because president Andrew Johnson detested Grant, and refused to ride to the Capitol with him for President Grant’s inauguration.
Newly minted presidential associate solitary reporter Juguete was with President Biden during our forty-sixth President’s stirring Inauguration today, where she observed that Senator Mitch McConnell and House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said appropriate words during and immediately after the inauguration ceremony. Juguete thanked former Vice President Mike Pence for showing up at the Inauguration instead of being with Trump at his poorly attended sendoff from Andrews Air Force Base this morning.
Associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman was at Biden’s inauguration, but he immediately teleported himself to Raleigh, North Carolina, where Trump’s daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, announced that she is running for the U S Senate in the Tarheel State to suceed senator Richard Burr, who is not seeking re-eleciton in 2022.
Lara Trump is married to Eric Trump, Donald’s second son. Eric’s the guy who is not nearly so good looking as Trump Jr., because Eric's hair style most closely resembles the best of Mafioso dos. Lara has been very active in supporting her father-in-law's constant mendacity, and she was instrumental in his electoral defeat on November 3.
Lara Trump grew up in North Carolina. Donald Trump had previously told North Carolina Republican Congressman and Baptist Minister Mark Walker that he would endorse him to run for the Senate (https://apnews.com/article/senate-elections-mark-walker-richard-burr-north-carolina-elections-334a70aad6901dc6ed0247b39c503f4a), but naturally, if Lara Trump jumps in, which ASR Cook tells us has already occurred, Lara will get the nod.
As to First Daughter Ivanka, she’s very busy being her usual self as a fashionista, but Cook says that Ivanka is likely to seek the Trumpite nomination to oppose Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-New York) in 2022. Coleman tells us that AOC (Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez), is interested in taking on Schumer in the primary, as well.
As the camerafolk from CNN did their usual good job, most eyes were riveted on President Biden’s 16 year old granddaughter Natalie, in a brilliant monochromatic pink coat. Natalie stood out with her charm. Coleman said that Natalie will be attending Harvard, starting tomorrow, and concentrating in Government.