Trump Calls Uganda's Dictator To Congratulate Him On His Re-Election, As Desperate Melania Packs Up

Our Sore Loser-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump, is no longer interested in living in Gotham, where he came from. On Wednesday morning, January 20, he'll be going to his lavish, pricey private club, Mar-a-Lago, a place for very wealthy people.


His neighbors there have made it very clear that he has no right to live there (


It will be the first time since 1869 that a Commander-in-Chief of this unusual nation (a nation founded during the Englightenment as a political experiment) will not attend the inauguration of his duly elected successor (


That’s because Trump does not believe in the peaceful transition of power, as clearly evidenced by the fiery speech he gave to his deplorable base on January 6, before his devoted insurrectionists stormed our Capitol, many of them bent on murdering elected officials, including Nancy Pelosi.


As an occupant of the People’s White House, Mr. Trump has never visited any part of Africa, but he sure has visited Israel, where his similarly corrupt close personal and political friend, Bibi Netayanhu, is on trial for corruption.


He’s conspicuously referred to sub-Saharan nations with a well-known vulgarity beginning with the letter “s."


The numerous associate solitary reporters who write for this apocryphal newspaper have given its editor strict instructions never ever to use bad language, hence we are not allowed to quote his very words describing Africa.


But our Chief International Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, is fluent in all languages spoken in Africa, including Arabic, Swahili, and all the other 39 living languages spoken in Uganda.


Theis is also fluent in Latin and New Testament Greek. 


It was Theis, a 1963 summa cum laude graduate of Harvard College, who delivered the Latin Oration during the Commencement Exercises in Harvard’s Tercentennary Theatre in June, 1963. The title of his speech — which was received by a standing ovation — was Quo Vadis? (“Where Are You Going?") —  in which he implored his fellow graduates to figure out where they are going in life, instanter (right away).


Theis is a true Man of the World, and he has travelled to all continents, including Antarctica, but he’s never visited France, and if his life depended on it to give a speech in French, he would immediately revert to German, his first language.


Yesterday, a not nice man, Yoweri Tibuhaburwa Kaguta Museveni, Uganda’s dictator since 1986, was re-elected — over substantial opposition from Robert Kyagulanyi, known as Bobi Wine. 


Wine’s party is challenging the validity of the election — which he won because Musevini’s thugs stuffed ballot boxes. Musevini’s soldiers have surrounded Wine’s home, and Wine is under house arrest. 


But as soon as Trump’s Chief of Staff, former North Carolina Tea Party Congressman Mark Meadows, told Trump about Musevini’s victory, Trump called him to congratulate him for defeating Wine.


We know this because associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump when he placed the call, and Jones had arranged for Theis to be on the call as well.


“Ah, Mr. Trump Sir, I am so grateful for your phone call,” Musevini said, “as it totally legitimizes my authoritarian style of government ever since I seized power from Idi Amin in 1986.”


“Sir, I salute you, because I know full well,” Musevini continued, “that the election was stolen from you, and I totally applaud the brave patriots in your country, Sir, who, under your direction and inspiration, tried to take back America from the voters on January 6 last.”


Trump smiled, thanked Musevini, and went to his pricey resort in Bedminister, New Jersey, for a round of golf. Melania wasn’t with him because she’s busy packing up. Trophy wife number three has never liked living in Washington, and she’s desperate to get to a warmer climate.