Boyish Josh Hawley and His Big Plan to Get on the Supreme Court

Missouri is the Show Me State.


Its junior senator, Josh Hawley — who had the temerity to defeat Senator Claire McCaskill, a Democrat, in 2016 — is trying to get Donald Trump’s attention.


Trump thinks that January 6 will be his Day of Salvation because that’s when a purely ministerial act must take place — the counting, by the President of the Senate, Republican Mike Pence — of the Electoral Colleage votes before a Joint Session of Congress — only a day after Democrats will pull off a stunning upset in Georgia, especially with Republican senator David Purdue having to quarantine. And Hawley’s already announced that he will challenge the count  in an effort to help Trump keep his job (


Hawley, the youngest member of the Senate, will challenge the count, even though Joe Biden clearly won the election. And Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s not at all happy about that because he knows he’ll be dealing directly with President Biden for eight years.


So we dispatched associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, our Chief Congressional Correspondent, with tracking down Hawley.


“Josh,” she began, “your first name is Joshua, and your last name is Hawley.”


“Oh, it’s only you again. You’re one of DNC Chair Tom Perez’ moles, which means you never get anything right, but at least you know my name.”


“Well, Josh boy, your name means that you are not fighting in Jericho, on Israel’s West Bank, but you’re all in for Mr. Trump. How can you justify that?”


“That part’s easy, Missy. Mr. Trump promised me that if my brilliant parliamentary move on January 6 results in him keeping his job, he’ll appoint me to the Supreme Court, ‘cause Justice Breyer is a SCOTUS liberal and at 82, he’s way too old, and I’m only 41.”


“Melissa, everybody knows that the most important thing to be accomplished for Trumpism and for the McConnell Court is to get really young people on the Court so that liberal pinkoes like Breyer, Kagan, and Sotomayor will have absolutely no influence at all in decisions such as abortion, environmental issues, and challenges to presidential power, just to name a few.”


“It makes perfect sense, little Missy, that since I proudly represent the Show Me State, that once I get on the Supreme Court, I’ll be able to show all my right-wing friends how much I can do for them.”


Smith immediately texted our Chief Investigative Reporter, associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman, to ask her if Justice Breyer has any plans to retire any time soon.


Justice Breyer was unequivocal. “Susanna, I’m not going anywhere, especially after McConnell did that dirty trick to get Barrett on the Court as one of my colleagues."