How Associate Solitary Reporter Larry Theis Got Melania to Tell Him What She Really Thinks of Trump

Nobody in the Republican Party (hijacked by Donald Trump in 2016) is as expert a practitioner of the Politics of Grievance as Mr. Trump.


With jobless benefits set to expire on Monday after he lost the election to Joe Biden bigtime, he cares nothing about the three hundred thirty thousand Americans who have died from Covid-19 under his watch.


So what’s he yelling about now?


The image of Trophy Wife Number Three has yet to appear on a sufficient number of magazines (


That, of course, is a matter of grave international import.


Where is Trump now?


With Melania at Mar-a-Lago, where she is smiling to whomever she wants to (but never to Trump whenever they are alone, which is rare.


What has Trump been doing?


Playing golf instead of doing his job — nothing new about that.


So we asked our Chief International Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, to confront Melania.


Theis is fluent in Slovene, so he asked the former Melanija Knavs (Germanized as Melania Knauss), 50, a native of Novo Mesto, Sevnica, Yugoslavrepublic of Slovenia, “Zakaj si se porocil z Donald?” (“Why did you marry Donald?")


“Sploh ne zaradi njegove seksualne privlacnosti!” (Certainly not for his sex appeal!).


“Je mocan clovek in storil sem veliko napako, in svojega dragocenega Barrona zelim vzeti s seboj nazaj v Novo Mesto!" ("I made a big mistake and I want to take my precious Barron back to Novo Mesto with me”).


“Ali ste Donnyju povedali, da zelite, da bo vasa slika na naslovnici vseh revij v Ameriki, vkljucno z The National Enquirer?”  ("Did you really tell Donny that you wanted your picture on every magazine in America, including The National Enquirer?”)


And then Melania, a notoriously private person who has absolutely no interest whatsoever in her obese husband’s privates, said “Moj moz morda ne zel i zapustiti Bele Hise, a komaj cakam, da se r esi iz zapora!” ("My husband may not want to leave the White House, but all he really wants is for that dirty nasty Commie Joe Biden not to send him to prison.”)


That’s when forty burly Secret Service agents grabbed Theis and threatened to put him in the nearest ICE detention facility, but DNC Chair Tom Perez was Johnny on the Spot and interceded.