Here's All You Need to Know About the Trump-Biden Debate in Nashville; What Happened to Moscow Mitch?

Yesterday in Nashville, Donald Trump was on stage for a second debate with Uncle Joe Biden. Trump squandered his chance for an earlier debate ‘cause he objected to the rules announced by the impartial Commission on Presidential Debates.


When dealing with Donald Trump, everything and everybody damn well better get outtatheway. That there’s the Trump Doctrine.


Trump wasn’t wearing a mask, but when Joe showed up at the airport, he wore one.


This was originally supposed to be a foreign policy debate, but the only thing Trump knows about foreign policy (contrary to what he said in the debate, which was expertly moderated by NBC’s Kristen Welker) is that Vladimir Putin is his best friend. And that all the allies of the United States are to be dissed. Ask Angela Merkel and any other world leaders you’d care to talk to, and if you have any questions about that, just ask our Chief International Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis.


Theis is a Man of the World who is universally known for his good humor and his kindness. He is fluent in many languages, including German, Ukrainian, Australian, Mongolian, Spanish, Latvian, Swedish, Maltese, Norwegian, Portugese, Telugu, Haitian Creole, Belorussian, Danish, Luxembourgish, Lithuanian, Dutch, Gullah, Finnish, Arabic, Afrikaans, Polish, Greek, Swahili, Hebrew, Uzbek, Bulgarian, Romanian, Hungarian, Russian, and Chinese, but he has never been to France.


That said, if French President Emmanuel Macron were ever to visit these here United States, the one American he’d really like to meet is Theis, a retired superlawyer and a proud Democrat. Macron would have no rational reason to meet with Trump.


And Macron knows a lot more about how to wear a mask to prevent against COVID-19 than Trump does.


After yesterday’s debate, we asked our Chief Scientific Correspondent, associate solitary reporter John Pinckney, about what would be the best place for Donald Trump to go, anytime between now and November 3.


Pinckney’s response was instantaneous, lasting only three nanoseconds. 


“SR, the best place for Trump would be on 101955 Bennu.”


"Bennu, as we in the Scientific Community refer to it, is a carbonaceous asteroid that was discovered in September 1999. Bennu is a mere three hundred thirty-three million, six hundred thirty-three thousand kilometers from Terra Firma.”


"Donald Trump doesn’t know what a kilometer is, and he doesn’t even know that in 1975, Congress passed, and President Ford signed, the Metric Conversion Act, which said that the preferred method of measurement world-wide is the metric system. If Congress had had the good sense to do so, it could have required our outdated inches, feet, yards, and all that to be converted to the metric system. But when President Reagan was in office in 1982, all that was thrown aside. But Reagan and most all American politicians, whether Republicans like Ford and Reagan the Genial, or Democrats, were too afraid of alienating their multiple constituencies."


“Bennu is a potentially hazardous object that has a one in two thousand seven hundred chance of impacting Terra Firma between 2175 and 2199. It’s named after the Bennu, the ancient Egyptian mythological bird associated with the Sun, Creation, and Rebirth.”


“Just three days ago, Osiris-REx, which was made by Lockheed-Martin in Colorado, and elsewhere, was able to touch down on Bennu, using an extendable arm, on the surface of Bennu, to collect a sample.”


“Could be a urine sample, or something much more interesting, but that will have to await the arrival of Osiris-REx in the Utah Desert in 2023."


“Donald Trump doesn’t know the first thing about Bennu, ‘cause the only thing he cares about is himself.”


“That’s why NASA would be very well advised to put Trump in one of their rockets and send him to Bennu, tomorrow.”


In other news, our Chief Congressional Correspondent, associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, confronted Senate Majority Leader Addison Mitchell ("Moscow Mitch”) McConnell shortly after Uncle Joe scored a knockout win in Nashville yesterday over Trump.


Smith wanted to know why McConnell looks terrible, even though on Monday his SCOTUS pick, Extreme Textualist and Originalist Judge Amy Coney Barrett, 48, will be confirmed by the Senate that Mitch controls, for a lifetime appointment; but Mitch is wearing bandages and he shows constant signs of aging, and he’s about to be defeated on November 3 in the Bluegrass State by military hero Amy McGrath, who’s 45. See


“Mitch,” Smith asked, “did you suffer those grievous injuries when Schumer vented about your changing everything to the McConnell Rule by putting Barrett on the Court?”


“Or did Pelosi do it? Hurry up Mitch, this is of the utmost importance, especially to sensible Republicans, if there are any of those left."


McConnell’s reply to ASR Smith cannot be printed in this family-friendly apocryphal newspaper.