In A Totally Unprecedented Move, Senate Judiciary Committee Changes Course, Sends Lindsey Graham's Name to Full Senate for SCOTUS Confirmation

These here days, things just ain’t what they seem.


Though the mainstream media just reported that Senate Judiciary Committee Republicans voted unanimously to send the name of Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the full Senate for a vote on Monday (so Donald Trump can have even a little hope of keeping his job, and for no other reason), associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith, who covers Congress for us, knows better.


After Chairman Lindsey Graham (R-South Carolina) — who will, on November 3, lose his job to insurgent Democrat Jaime

Harrison — adjourned the hearing — which was appropriately boycotted by the Democrats on the Committee — ASR Smith followed Graham and the other GOP senators into Graham’s palatial office.


“Know what, guys,” Graham said, after he had filled his colleagues’ glasses with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s best Kentucky bourbon, “seems to me that with all the fuss fuss that our enemies the Democrats have made about this Supreme Court appointment, we really ought to reconsider.”


“Whatcha got in mind, Lindsey?” said Texas’ senior senator, John Cornyn.


“See guys,” Graham continued, “it’s really not a good idea to put yet another woman on the Supreme Court. There’s too many on the Court already.”


“But Lindsey, we’ve been all through this vetting, and Barrett is, supposedly, the dream candidate. Have you taken leave of your senses?”


“Absolutely not! Here’s the deal: I am so far behind in my own race, and I know that on Election Day the voters of South Carolina are gonna toss me out. Haven’t you noticed what a huge warchest Jaime Harrison has built up?”


“I don’t wanna have to go back to Central, South Carolina, where I come from, ‘cause it’s way too small, only 3,000 fulltime residents, or to Seneca, South Carolina, where I used to live before I got myself elected to this Seat that used to belong to the late, great segregationist, Strom Thurmond. There’s only 8,100 people living in Seneca. I need to stay here in DC and maybe find myself a nice Republican woman to get married to, after being a confirmed bachelor all these years.”


“Well, Lindsey, how you figure you can stay here in DC, since you just told us you know you’re gonna be voted out on Election Day?”


“That’s easy, John.”


By now, the other Republicans on the Judiciary Committee were wondering what the always arrogant Graham had in mind.


“The only way out of this,” Graham announced, in his most portentous tone, “is for me to go on the Court instead of Judge Barrett.”


“In case you’re wonderin’ how that could happen, I’ve got Mr. Trump, whom we all, of course, adore, on the speaker phone, and he totally agrees with me that since the Supreme Court is so very, very political these days, that the Court needs a good, solid, experienced Republican Senator to tell Sotomayor, Kagan, and Breyer what’s what.”


As senators Grassley, Cornyn, Lee, Sasse, Hawley, Tillis, Ernst, Crapo, Kennedy, and Blackburn thought the matter over, and led by 87 year-old Chuck Grassley of Iowa, they quickly realized that Graham’s point, about the Absolute Need for a seasoned Republican politician to have a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, they unanimously thanked Graham and Trump for the suggestion, as ASR Smith texted DNC Chair Tom Perez and Senate Minority Leader Church Schumer. Smith volunteered to write their Statement of Outrage for immediate release.


When ASR Smith notified Judge Barrett of the Committee’s unexpected move, she smiled and said that she never really wanted to move her family to Washington, because the climate there is way too swampy.