Betelgeuse, a Fading Star, Has COVID-19, Raising Fears of the Apocalypse; Trump Jr Claims Harris Was Born There and Is Thus Ineligible to Be VP

Donald Trump thinks he’s not only a star, but a megastar — if you think we here at AP are wrong about that, just consider his swaggering in the infamous Access Hollywood video, where he said, “When you’re a Star, they let you grab ‘em by the P____y!”
He thinks that all the stars in the sky were put there just to honor him, and for no other purpose.
So we asked our Chief Astronomical Expert, associate solitary reporter John Podorofski, to expand on the article in yesterday’s Times, "This Star Looked Like It Would Explode. Maybe It Just Sneezed,"
There, the Times’ Dennis Overbye did not overstay his welcome, as he explained in clear and convincing terms that the star Betelgeuse, in the constellation Orion, began “dramatically and mysteriously dimming in the fall of 2019, dwindling to less than half its normal brightness. By February 2020, it was the faintest that it had been since measuremenats began more than 150 years ago…"
Betelgeuse, Overbye said, marks the armpit of Orion the Hunter. But astronomers and wary stargazers began wondering if Betelgeuse was about to explode.
And then, observations in ultraviolet light with the Hubble Space Telescope “revealed gobs of dense hot gas shooting out through the upper parts of [the] atomosphere of Betelgeuse at speeds of 200,000 miles an hour, ‘almost like a sneeze,’ “ as leading researcher Dr. Andrea Dupree of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics wrote in an article recently published in Astrophysical Journal.
As soon as Dr. Dupree told Dr. Podorofsky that Betelgeuse had, seemingly, sneezed, it took him only a few nanoseconds to realize that Betelgeuse has come down with COVID-19.
“Which is why there is only one way in which Donald Trump could possibly keep his job,” Podorofski told us, “and that’s if he can get NASA, his Department of Homeland Security, and his Department of Defense to shoot down Betelgeuse before it gets any closer to Terra Firma, where the results of Betelgeuse’s COVID-19 getting into earth’s atmosphere would mean the end of the human race.”
But Dr. Podorofsky was immediately challenged by Trump Junior, who told Sean Hannity that Kamala Harris was born on Betelgeuse, and that, therefore, she is not able to be Joe Biden’s Vice President.
But no worries: leading Denver technical writer Karen Greenwood is hard at work refuting everything that Trump Junior and Hannity have poisoned the well with. “Joe Biden will even win Texas, where I’m from,” Greenwood told us.