Cinco de Mayo (a date concerning which Donald Trump has, of course, extraordinary antipathy):
As the whole world knows by now, Dr. Anthony Fauci is the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, and that makes him our leading authority on anything having to do with the coronavirus pandemic.
The conspiracy theorists and the Trumpites (who are often one and the same) firmly believe that the extremely dangerous coronavirus/COVID-19 was literally cooked up in a laboratory in Wuhan so China could wage war against us by spreading the virus all over the US.
Our internationally acclaimed authority on languages, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, is fluent in Italian.
A very famous person himself, Theis has access to world leaders all over the globe, so it was easy for him to gain access to the Good Doctor.
Although he already knew the answer, but simply to start a conversation, he asked Dr. Fauci, an Italian American, what his name means in Italian.
“Larry,” Fauci began, “in Italian, fauci means 'jaws'.”
Fauci and Theis were immediately joined by filmmaker Steven Spielberg, whose 1975 summer blockbuster, Jaws, has terrorized moviegoers ever since.
“That’s interesting, Doctor," Spielberg said. "Since your name means ‘jaws,' does that mean that your scientific expertise can crush — can masticate — and refute — all the nonsense which Donald Trump keeps blathering?”
“And, Doctor,” Theis added, "doesn’t it bother you a great deal that Trump keeps mouthing off — always incorrectly — about the origins of the virus?”
With Spielberg and Theis listening very closely, Dr. Fauci repeated what he said yesterday in an interview with National Geographic posted on Monday night (https://www.cnn.com/2020/05/05/politics/fauci-trump-coronavirus-wuhan-lab/index.html).
“Larry and Steven,” Fauci elaborated, “the scientific evidence is very, very strongly leaning toward [concluding that this virus] could not have been artificially or deliberately manipulated…Everything about the stepwise evolution over time strongly indicates that [this virus] evolved in nature and then jumped species.”
Spielberg, who has contributed millions of dollars to Democratic candidates, thought for a moment, then said, “Dr. Fauci, could the coronavirus have come from my man-eating Great White Shark from Jaws — or from ET, the most famous extraterrestrial ever to have visited Planet Earth — or from any of my pet dinosaurs whom I documented in Jurassic Park?”
“Yes, Steven,” Dr. Fauci said, "the coronavirus could have come from anything in nature, including your Great White Shark, ET, and your pet dinosaurs.”
“And, Doctor,“ said Theis, "what does it feel like when Mr. Trump consistently contradicts you, as he continues to do?”
“Just between you and me and Steven, Larry — and as a
physician — the man’s a pathological liar.”
Spielberg immediately wrote a check for four million dollars and handed it to Theis for immediate transmission to DNC Chair Tom Perez.