Commuted by Trump, Blagojevich Promises to Fix Trump's Awful Hair

For nearly eight years now, corrupt and convicted former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich has been a model prisoner in Colorado, after he zealously tried to make a lot of money from his ability to appoint one of his close personal friends to the U S Senate seat being vacated by President Obama.


Yesterday, an even more corrupt politician — Donald Trump — commuted Blago's prison sentence (


As always, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump as he tweeted his decision.


ASR Jones has become something of a Confessor to Trump, who is always in need of spiritual help.


“See, Johanna, I know deep inside my heart that I am even more corrupt than Blagojevich has ever been, so I just figured, there’s honor among thieves.”


“When I called him yesterday to tell him I’m springing him from my cute little low-level federal prison in Englewood, Colorado, I said, ‘Rod, I’m only asking you for one little favor,’ and he said, ’Sure, anything, Donnie,’ then I said, ‘Rod, I get a lot of pushback about my hair, and you’re totally famous all around the world for having a gorgeous head of hair, so can you help me with that?’ "


“He said, ‘Just give me a luxury airplane ticket to DC and I’ll be there with my wife Patti in three hours, and I’ll fix you up real good.’ “


“Johanna,” Trump continued, "look for me to bust into Bloomberg’s Debate Debut tonight in Vegas, stealing all the attention away from Sleepy Joe and Crazy Bernie and Pocahantas and up and coming Klobuchar, with a completely New Do!”


Jones was convulsed in laughter and had to be picked up off the floor by Secret Service agents.