Trump Nominates Ken Starr to the Supreme Court

In 1999, at the height of Ken Starr’s probing into Bill Clinton’s sex life, your solitary reporter wore a t-shirt that said “Help! I’ve Been Subpoenaed by Ken Starr!”


But it was soon confiscated by the Colorado Republican Party’s chief operative, associate solitary reporter Eddie Cook.


Today, in the well of the Senate, Starr’s at it again, and Cook is right there cheering for him.


Starr led the Senators those few Senators who were not sleeping through a dry, academic survey of the history of presidential impeachment in America.


Never one to avoid a chance to heap praise on himself (though never warranted), Starr crowed about his work convincing the Justice Department that a Republican president can never do wrong.


Trump’s favorite Florida sycophant, Rep. Matt Gaetz, went viral with his comment that rather than Professor Starr’s historical survey, what was really needed was more than one glimpse into a Miss Universe Pageant.


Everyone who knows anything about Donald Trump is very much aware that Trump is a showman who gets very depressed if he’s not looking straight at a Fox News camera.


Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump today as he was watching his bought and paid for legal team attempting, without success, to defend him before Mitch McConnell pulls the levers of power to let Trump off the hook.


“Johanna,” Trump exlaimed, “know why I like Ken Starr so much?”


Jones did not hazard a guess.


“See, Ken was president of Baylor when there was some so-called sexual assault controversy with the football players, and the lefties made him quit.”


“I always like it when a man can protect sexual predators, and Ken did his best.”


“Ken was on the D.C. Circuit, where he was hoping to be rewarded by an appointment to the Supreme Court.”


“Well, Johanna, I just sent Lev Parnas to take Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Antarctica to spend the rest of her few remaining days there.”


“Ken Starr is my nominee to succeed her. Please notice that I never nominate women, just judges who are totally loyal to me.”


When associate soitary reporter Melissa Smith told Minority Leader Chuck Schumer about all this, Schumer thanked Smith for relieving him of having to sit silently in the Senate listening to Starr.


“Melissa,” Schumer said, “I know this is a confirmation battle I can win, and that makes me happy."