At Mar-a-Lago, Trump Delivers His New Year's Resolutions, in the Form of a Decree

Last night, at his superexpensive playground known as Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump threw a lavish party, but only for the very, very rich.


There were no Democrats in attendance, except for associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones.


All four of his adult children children were there, and Melania was, as usual, stone-faced, wondering why she had agreed to be Trophy Wife Number Three.


Rudy Giuliani, Trump’s shadow Secretary of State, was there so people could gawk at him.


Rudy had the time of his life and promised to run for president to succeed Trump whenever Trump gets tired of playing golf.


As always, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was on hand. She just texted us to let us know what Trump announced as his Resolutions for 2020.


“in 2020,” he began, “I’m gonna nuke Iran, but before that, I’m gonna invade Iraq out of pique that our supposed friends there can’t protect my Embassy there.”


“I’m gonna let Putin have as much of Ukraine as he wants. Putin can do whatever he wants with Zelensky, who caused me all sorts of trouble last year."


“By tomorrow, all our soldiers will be out of Afghanistan, and I don’t give a holy crap if the Taliban take over."


“Next, I’ll get McConnell to repeal the Whisteblower Protection Act. Whistleblowers are the scum of the earth, and any whistleblower — including whoever wrote A Warning, by “Anonymous,” about my time in the White House, supposedly written by somebody in my inner circle — should be drawn and quartered, and my close personal friend Boris Johnson can help me revive that exquisite form of execution, which the Brits established back in the fourteenth century.”


“I’m gonna shame Ruth Bader Ginsburg into retiring from my Supreme Court, and I’ll completely bypass the vetting and confirmation process, and I’ll just tell Kavanaugh to give me the names of two or three of his close personal friends who aren’t afraid to boast about their sexual exploits, to succeed Ginsburg, and McConnell will get whoever I pick from that stalwart group of men, confirmed this year.”


“My buddy Vlad Putin needs a base in the Western Hemisphere, so I’m gonna give him Puerrto Rico, and, after he turns that place around, California and, probably, Oregon, and, of course, Alaska, just like it used to be before Seward’s Folly, in 1867, when President Andrew Johnson was persuaded to buy Alaska from the Russian Empire —  but before that, I’m get all the oil out of my Arctic National Wildlife Refuge."


“I’m gonna invade Venezuela for their oil, but all Venezuelans, whether with or without papers, will have to go to the Falkland Islands, ‘cause we sure don’t want them here. Boris can help me with that, too.”


“I’m gonna make Mexico build one hundred Supermax prisons in southern Mexico to house every stinking nonwhite person, including babies, who have crossed our southern border illegally, but if Mexico’s richest man, Carlos Slim, who’s almost as rich as I am, wants to come in here, that’s fine with me, maybe I’ll put Slim in at Treasury if Mnuchin messes up my trade deal with China."


“To strengthen my stranglehold on the Republican Party, I’m gonna install Donald Jr. as the Governor of New York, and as for Eric, well, I know full well that the way he wears his hair makes him look like an all-powerful mafioso, so I’ll ask my friends in the Mafia what they’d like Eric to do for them.”


"I’ll send Ivanka to the UN as my Ambassadress, but Jared has to stay in my White House with me so he can help me continue to prop up Bibi in Jerusalem and Mohammad bin Salman in Saudi Arabia.”


“As for Tiffany, I’m gonna find a nice rich young man to marry her.”


“If the polls show that I’m losing the evangelical vote, Pence

will be gone — Jared would be a good choice to replace him on my ticket, ‘cause he'd get the youth vote that Buttigieg can’t get.”


“Kevin McCarthy assures me that, in his capacity as Minority Leader in the House, he can flip the House in November, on my coattails. And Mitch assures me that Cory Gardner will get re-elected to represent Colorado in the Senate, especially if the stupid Democrats nominate Hickenlooper to run against him, since Hick said he wasn’t cut out to be a Senator.”


“As to Susan Collins in Maine, Mitch is gonna get her re-elected too, but we’re gonna put her on probation, and Mitch is gonna keep a real close eye on Murkowski in Alaska, as well as on Romney in Utah. We traditional, establishment Republicans know how to deal with upstarts like Mitt."


“Doug Jones is toast in Alabama, but Sessions is not gonna get the nomination to succeed him. I’ll make sure of that!”


“Pelosi will certainly lose her seat in San Francisco to Arnold Schwarzenegger, ‘cause he can self-fund his campaign.”


“Bernie Sanders is way too young to represent Vermont, so after he loses the nomination, we’re sending him into exile in northernmost Quebec."


“Once we take back the House and increase our majority in the Senate, McCarthy and Mitch will send me a bill to repeal all taxes on the top one percent. To make up for the lost income, everybody in the hoi polloi, especially the worthless homeless, will have to pay seventy-five percent of their income to Mnuchin’s IRS.”


“Anybody in my Cabinet who breathes a single word of criticism of me will be gone without even being given the chance to clean out their desks. Since there will be lots of resignations from my Cabinet after the voters give me four more years — as well as before November, as

well — surely I can find a Cabinet job for Eric, since he knows so much about housing, and Carson’s been sleeping his way through his job at HUD anyway.”


“Oh, I almost forgot. We’re gonna abolish the First Amendment and replace it with the Second Amendment, and Wayne LaPierre’s gonna be my FBI Director if Wray doesn’t do whatever I tell him to.”


“I saved the best for last: I’m gonna change the Constitution so I can be in my White House for life — and beyond!"


After Trump delivered his Resolutions to the adoring throng, Jones accosted him and asked him whom among the numerous Democrats running to oppose him this year, which one he would most prefer.


“Johanna, that’s the stupidest question you’ve ever asked me. Of course, it’s Pocahontas!"