Scotland to Declare Independence, As Labour Welcomes a Brilliant, Young New Leader

Today in London, the Champion of Brexit, PM Boris Johnson (the man whose hair stylist lives in his toilet), and who won today over Labour by bulldozing his way through a metaphorical gridlock, got his way.


His Tory party gained enough seats to push his totally nonsensical Brexit plan through Parliament, and now it’s up to the EU to figure out what to do.


This makes Donald Trump very happy, as proposals have been buzzing all over the UK, from members of the Conservative Party, to make the famed National Health Service private. Associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman says Trump Junior may want to buy it.


The big loser was 70-year old Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn, England’s version of 78-year old Bernie Sanders. Labour suffered its biggest defeat in decades.


So Corbyn’s stepping down, as well he should, as the next Leader of Labour, though there are plenty in his Party who are not at all pleased that he’s staying on as Leader until his successor is chosen (


But we here at AP have scooped that: Labour’s smart smart new leader is associate solitary reporter Danielle Packwood, our London-based associate solitary reporter.


Packwood is only 28, has a great persona, and is far from being a Eurosceptic like Joihnson.


Packwood told associate solitary reporter John Booker, a very prominent resident of London, that she will fervently oppose any sale of the NHS to Trump Jr. or anyone.


The Scottish National Party gained numerous seats, which means that pretty soon now, Scotland will declare independence from the UK.


To hear Scots today talk, not since Scotland’s King James VI (and King James of England, as James I), has Scotland had much say at Buckingham Palace.


But with the crushing defeaet of Labour, and the continuing rise of the Scots National Pairtie (Scottish Naitonal Party), which seeks independence for Scotland, the SNP’s Leader, 49-year old Nicola Ferguson Sturgeon, has, for long, proclaimed that the UK’s break-up is imminent.


ASR Packwood told our chief international correspondent, associate soliatyr reporter Larry Theis, that she’ll bring Ferguson Sturgeon as many made in Scotland scones as she can eat, provided she agrees to stay in the UK.


But Ferguson Sturgeon told ASR Theis that her Party will immediately apply to the EU for membership as soon as it can get itself out of Boris Johnson’s hair.


There was one glimmer of hope in today’s results: Brexit Party Leader Nigel Farage has been polling at exactly zero votes.


Farage told ASR Theis that Donald Trump has guaranteed him a position in his State Department once Secretary Mike Pompeo announces that he’s running for the Senate from Kansas. 


But when ASR Theis asked Farage which job in Trump’s State Department he’d like, Farage said, “Deputy Secretary, of course. In that job, I’ll be leading the Department, while whoever is Secretary is flitting all over the world and losing sleep over it.”


“So the only job I want in Trump’s State Department,” Farage continued, “is Under Secretary for Civilian Security, Democracy, and Human Rights, because I follow Mr. Trump’s lead in never, ever espousing human rights, or democracy either, for that matter."