Why Are Those Old White Guys Running for President?

We wrote this post the day after Pearl Harbor, and we are very pleased that since the end of the horrible Second World War, Japan has been a firm and true ally of these here United States.


The GOP doesn’t believe in diversity, especially after Haitian American Mia Love, the first Republican black woman to be elected to Congress, narrowly lost her race last year to keep her seat in Utah’s 4th Congressional District (that may have something to do with the fact the Republicans are always narrow-minded).


Ever since former Maryland Congressman John Delaney jumped into the Democratic race for president, the question of whether old white guys should be in the race has been a hot hot topic for the pundits, including all our associate solitary reporters here at AP.


Delaney’s only 56, but he’s bald, which in our view makes his candidacy problematic.


But more to the point, he was the first Dem to jump in, in July 2017, and since then, he’s virtually taken up residence in the Hawkeye State, which is what you have to do if you have virtually no nationwide name recognition.


Your solitary reporter’s neighbor, former Colorado Gov John Hickenlooper, is done; so is Montana Gov. Steve Bullock; Washington Governor Jay Inslee’s finished, and he has taken up permanent residence high atop Mount Rainier.


Tulsi Gabbard, a young Samoan American and thus a woman of color, is still in the race, but we here at AP, especially according to associate solitary reporter Sam Leonard, a longtime resident of the Aloha State, think she’s really running to be Trump’s Secretary of Defense.


You’re still reading this, but, of course, what you really want to know is, why are we writing this?


That’s easy. Bernie’s 78 and he’s not even a Democrat, and if by sheer chance he should gain the nomination, Trump would McGovern him, or pretty close.


Then there’s short Michael Blumberg, 77, with a $54 billion pot of gold to self-fund his campaign (note that Donald Trump, though not so rich as Bloomberg, could’ve self-funded in 2016, but he skillfully used his celebrity status to turn Trump Rallies into, well, uh, er, um, how he got to sit in the Oval Office for four years, after Hillary turned out to have a lot of baggage and she forgot all about Wisconsin.


And we haven’t even yet mentioned Uncle Joe Biden, 76, and still leading in the polls.


There is no more seasoned Democratic politician these days than Joe Biden, only Nancy Pelosi, 79, is an even better politician than President Obama’s Vice President.


So if Uncle Joe, propelled by a certain primary victory in South Carolina, should win the nomination, whom would he pick for his Veep? 


Remember what happened to the late John McCain, in 2008, when he was forced to pick young and unschooled and very unsmart Sarah Palin? Cost him the election!


First let us say that your solitary reporter, who is almost as old as Bernie, is not interested, but our choice is obvious: it’s associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones.


You have to be at least thirty-five years old to run for Vice President, and that causes us here at AP a slight problem, because we’ve been consistently telling you about Johanna: she’s twenty-five, African American, and gorgeous, which, at first blush, means that at the tender age of 25, Biden wouldn’t be able to choose her for his Number Two.


No worries, friends. This is an apocryphal newspaper, and our editorial board, consisting of associate solitary reporters Susie Kendrick, Susanna Sherman, Keith Coleman, Sam Leonard, Foma Kheroshonsky, Ko Il-sun, Larry Theis, Lewis Thompson III, and Edmonton Mayor Gary Zeman all met here in Denver immediately after the previously hapless Denver Broncos pulled off a surprise win, in Houston no less, with dazzling youngish rookie QB Drew Lock. 


The decision was unanimous: ASR Jones is now 35, but, taking a cue from Edward Bellamy’s spectacularly successful 1888 novel, Looking Backward, 2000 to 1897, we can, in the twinkling of an eye, easily change her age to 35, and, whether 25 or 35, she’s still gorgeous.


All of this rampant speculation on our part was fueled by today’s CNN report on the significance to our politics of two bigtime movies: Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and The Irishman (https://www.cnn.com/2019/12/08/politics/the-irishman-joe-biden-michael-bloomberg-bernie-sanders/index.html). Both films explore what it’s like for old white guys to deal with what’s inevitable for everyone who’s lucky enough to make it into their seventies.


We here at AP are often asked whom we prefer for President.


At the moment, we like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, because she, unlike her Senate colleagues Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren, has not bought into “Medicare for All,” because if the Democrats adopt that in their platform, or if they nominate Sanders or Warren, Donald Trump will easily keep his Oval Office next year.