After SCOTUS Rules that Remington Can Be Sued for Manufacturing Assault Weapons, LaPierre Is Granted Asylum in Japan, Where Guns Are Not Favored

As usual, there is way, way too much news for us to cover today in this apocryphal newspaper.


Bolivia’s got no government, but its long-time president, Evo Morales, would never, ever have thought about seeking asylum in Donald Trump’s America. Instead, he’s going to Mexico at the invitation of its president, Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador (AMLO).


DACA’s fate is being adjudicated today in the Supreme Court, and associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman already knows the outcome, because she was in the conference room (where only the Justices are allowed) after the Court heard arguments), and she heard the Court’s conservative majority, led by Chief Justice John Roberts, say, all five of ‘em, simultaneously, that whatever Trump wants, Trump gets.


This means hundreds of thousands of people who were brought here illegally as children, and have realistically known no other country, will soon be escorted back at taxpayer expense to wherever they were born, by whomever Donald Trump has named as his Acting Secretary of Homeland Security; and we tried dilligently to find out who that is, because we thought it was Kevin McAleenan, only he quit on October 11 "to spend more time with his family” — so it may be David Pekoske, who was Acting Deputy Secretary under McAleenan. Thus, it’s up to Pekoske, all by himself, to escort all the DACA Dreamers back to wherever they came from.


But what really intrigued us in today’s headlines from CNN was this: our Supreme Court has voted to let stand an appellate ruling which allows the parents of the children who were slaughtered in the 2012 gun massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School, to sue Remington, the manufacturer of the assault weapon that was used by the shooter (


This news caused extreme anxiety and a very severe panic attack to Wayne LaPierre, the top gun at the NRA, who counts Trump as one of his very closest personal friends (as we’ve said before in these pages, Trump wants to replace the First Amendment with the Second Amendment).


Associate solitary reporter Keith Coleman, one of our top Washington-based investigative reporters, was with LaPierre in his office in Fairfax, Virginia, just outside Washington, as an ambulance was taking him to the nearest psychiatric hospital, which is the Northern Virginia Mental Health Institute on Gallows Road [sic!] in Falls Church, a distance of ten miles.


“Keith, I know you’re a Democrat, but I need your help! I can’t stay in the United States any longer!”


ASR Coleman, a professor of pastoral care at Howard Univeristy Divinity School, is always calm, so he patted LaPierre reassuringly on his forearm (hoping LaPierre didn’t have a pistol with him) and said, “Tell you what, Wayne. In Japan, only the police are allowed to have guns. Why don’t I see if Prime Minister Abe will let you in?”


Moments later, Coleman told LaPierre that Trump has told his Secretary of Transportation, Elaine Chao, to book LaPierre on a one-way first class flight to Tokyo.