Putin to Buy Trump International Hotel in Washington

Donald Trump has raked in millions in income, from foreign governments and from foreigners trying to get him to pay attention to them and their multifarious needs, from his Trump International Hotel, which is five blocks from the White House.


Moments ago, our crack Moscow-based associate solitary reporter, Foma Kheroshonsky, met with Vladimir Putin, a man whom Trump greatly envies because he has a lot more power than Trump has.


“Mr. Kheroshonsky,” Putin began, “I am a very wealthy man, and I ascribe that to my success as a true servant of the people.”


“I have just spoken with Eric Trump, Donald’s second son, who has been tasked by his father with running his worldwide chain of resorts, which only very wealthy people, like myself, can stay in.”


“I told Eric that I will buy his Trump International Hotel. I will bug every room, so that I will know exactly what my counterparts all over the world are saying about me.”


“Why, it was only a short time ago that that obsequious little man from Kyiv, Zelensky the Comedian, was at the United Nations on stage with Donald, trying to butter him up, saying how desperately he needs America’s weapons, and that he always stays at Trump International Hotel, in the Old Post Office Building in Washington.”


“Once I own that hotel, I might even make my ambassador to the United States stay there, in an elaborate suite, or I could move my embassy from its current location on Wisconsin Avenue, to my Putin International Hotel.”


“Eric Trump said that he will sell me that hotel at a steep discount, because that way, the Trumps might possibly be able to escape liability in the numerous lawsuits under America’s quaint little emoluments clause.”


“And then I can tell Donald that if he wants to hold his G-7 meeting there — a meeting that he won’t let me attend — I will certainly arrange that for him, but I will be making the profit from it, not him — but I’ll only do that if he kicks the European Union out of the G-7 membership, because I am intent on recapturing all of the Baltics, and Hungary, and the Czech Republic, and Slovakia, and Poland, and Romania, and once I have those back, I can start sending my militias into Western Europe."