Bolsonaro and Trump Meet Up in Biarritz

Far-right (and always wrong) Brazilian president Jair Bolsonaro’s Amazon is all ablaze, and he’s very proud of it.


Associate solitary reporter Sylvania Juguete is fluent in many languages, especially Portuguese.


Having barged her way most conspicuously into Bolsonaro’s plush office very early this morning, she began, "Jair, voce nao se sente muito mal sobre o quanto voce esta causando danos ao seu proprio pais, especialmente que ao meio-dia ontem a noite caiu sobre Sao Paolo? (“Don’t you feel really, really guilty about how much damage you’re doing to your own country — making night fall at noon in Sao Paolo?”


Sylvania, como no mundo voce passou pelos meus pontos de checagem do Exercito?” (“Sylvania, how did you get past my Army checkpoint?)


Bolsonaro became angrier and angrier, as he surpassed the boiling point. Then he summoned his heftiest guard, who picked Juguete up and put her in Bolsonaro’s helicopter, and then into Brazil’s equivalent of Air Force One, with Bolsonaro in the cockpit, as they sped across the Atlantic straight to Biarritz, an exclusive resort on France’s Atlantic coast, where Donald Trump is making a fool of himself at the G-7.


Not having cooled down in the least, Bolsonaro began banging on the doors of the G-7 venue, demanding to be let in.


Juguete said, “Jair, voce faz parte do G-20, mas o G-7 nunca deixara voce entrar, especialmente depois do que o Presidente Frances Macron disse sobre voce permitiu que acontecesse com a maior floresta tropical do munco; ele nao vai negociar com voce! (“Jair, you’re part of the G-20, but the G-7 will never let you in, especially after what French President Macron said yesterday in his television address about what you’ve allowed to happen to the world’s biggest rain forest.”


That’s when Trump — who had already been bamboozled by Macron, British PM Boris Johnson, and German Chancellor Angela Merkel — was so disgusted by how things were going at the G-7, abruptly left the proceedings, stormed outside and, to his great surprise, found Bolsonaro looking for him, accompanied (most unwillingly) by Juguete. Trump, of course, was with associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, who never leaves his side.


“Jair, my buddy,” Trump exclaimed, “I did such a good job before I left America First! in forbidding American companies from ever again doing business with China, that now, I’m gonna go back in there, with you in tow, and tell them that from right now, Brazil is part of the G-8, and real soon, Jair, I’m gonna make it the G-9, with Putin right next to you and me.”


At this point, both ASR Juguete and ASR Jones exchanged knowing glances in which they acknowledged that, though they had seen many very strange things in their young professional journalistic careers, they had never, ever observed anything so bizarre as what they had just witnessed right there in Biarritz.