Today, Boris Johnson, the UK’s version of Donald Trump, met with Queen Elizabeth II in the obligatory ritual of transfer of power.
The Queen did not want to ask Johnson to form a new government, and she made that very clear to our London-based associate solitary reporter, Danielle Packwood.
When humans are in the presence of the Queen, they are supposed to be polite, something which is difficult for Johnson, and even more difficult for Trump. And when they leave the Queen’s presence, they are required to walk backwards so that Her Majesty will not be required to look at their butts.
But Boris Johnson is not a man to accommodate himself to such persnickety rules. So after the Queen very reluctantly asked him to form a new government, he farted, picked his nose, and turned his hindmost to the Queen, as Packwood and the numerous other reporters caught it all on camera.
As he arrived at 10 Downing Street (the most photographed door in the world), Johnson gave an exclusive interview to Packwood.
“To make things easier, Danielle, I’ve told Ireland’s Taoiseach, Leo Varadkar, that he can have Northern Ireland. That way, there should be no worry about a Trumpistic Wall between the North and the Republic of Ireland."
When Packwood asked him whether such a move might re-ignite The Troubles, Boris said, “Of course not! All the hardline Prots in the North will just have to become Catholics. No problem there.”
“Next, I’ve summoned EU leaders Jean-Claude Juncker and Donald Tusk to meet with me tomorrow in the anteroom here at 10 Downing. There, I’ll lay out my demands: they have to quit pestering me, and they have to agree to make a trade agreement with me so we can defeat them commercially.”
“Next, I’ll tell them that I’m going to close the Chunnel if they don’t agree to any of my demands.”
“The main reason to close the Chunnel is to keep all the riffraff — especially the scumbags from Africa and the MIddle East — from coming to our sceptered isle. In other words, nobody comes into my Kingdom without my permission.”
Once again, ASR Packwood asked Johnson whether his constant undermining of his predecessor, Theresa May, would stand him in good stead with the Europeans, whose leaders Johnson has consistently undermined.
She also asked him how he expects his paper-thin majority in the House of Commons to get things done, especially since the Scots don’t like him at all and they have their own political party.
“Then, Danielle, I will host Mr. Trump here, but unlike Juncker and Tusk, Mr. Trump will get the royal treatment. He and I will sign the most beautiful bilateral trade agreement that anyone has ever seen.”
“That’s how Donald and I will make America great again, and we’ll make the UK Even Greater.”
Then ASR Packwood met with Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, who’s a bit of a sourpuss. Packwood briefed Cornyn on Johnson’s plans.
Corbyn thanked Packwood, and told her that he knows Johnson and all his tricks. “I’ll call for a No Confidence vote the first time Boris walks into the House of Commons, and that’ll be the end of Boris’ career."