Trump Wants to Invade Guatemala

Donald Trump has launched a trade war, not only against China (the world’s second largest economy) but also against Mexico. He’s trying to use tariffs (to the consternation of his Republican allies in the Congress) in an effort to force Mexico to keep migrants from impoverished nations in Central America, such as Guatemala, from entering the land of the free and the home of the brave.


Early today, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was in the Oval Office as Trump met with Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan and CIA Director Gina Haspel. Also in the room was Natoinal Security Advisor and regime change hawk John Bolton.


“I need to test my military,” Trump began, “and I don’t really want to invade Mexico, but how about we invade Guatemala, where most of those filthy migrants come from?”


“After all, under Reagan, we invaded Grenada and toppled their Marxist government in only four days — so why not invade Guatemala?"


“Great idea, Sir!” Bolton exclaimed.


“Sir,” Haspel said, “that would require quite a bit of preparation, but if you really want to do it, I’d suggest you first talk things over with your friend Nikki Haley, who represented you so very capably in the UN.”


Shanahan was the last one to pipe up.


“Sir,” he said, “I’d like to advise against it. If you were to do that, you’ll be hated even more than you already are by the Latinos in next year’s election.”


Trump fumed and fussed, cursed Shanahan and Haspel, and called for his Twitter assistant to text, once again, his total support for Boris Johnson to succeed Theresa May ahead of his coming state visit to the UK, where he plans to lambaste the Duchess of Sussex at the earliest opportunity.