Why Kushner Is Vacationing in One of Israel's Luxury Hotels, Paid for by Netanyahu

As the entire world knows, Special Counsel Robert Mueller III has completed his Report, and yesterday he delivered it to Donald Trump’s second Attorney General, William Barr.


Apocryphal Press has a rapidly growing corps of associate solitary reporters. Foremost among them is Lewis Thompson.


Thompson is theologically brilliant (he’s the Moderator of the Unitarian Universalist Association) and, totally aside from his quasi-ministerial powers, he’s one smart dude, and so are associate solitary reporters Susanna Sherman and Johanna Jones — to say nothing of Unitarian Universalist Association President and associate solitary reporter Nancy Hawthorne.


That dynamic quartet, all of whom are Trinitarians, broke into Barr’s office at four o’clock this morning, even though his office was closely guarded by Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen.


And there Barr was, trying to figure out whether there is any way he can protect the guy who put him there without violating his oath, so ASR Jones offered to help; but to do that, she had to persuade Barr to show him Mueller’s Report.


Desperately in need of sleep, and bewitched by Jones’ beauty, Barr yielded. 


“Thank you ever so much, General Barr,” Jones said, as she smiled. Jones has perfect teeth, and she’s only 25.


On the first page of the most widely sought-after report ever written since the Gospels, in neon blue, is the following:


“I find Michael Cohen to be completely credible,” the Report begins. “Donald Trump is a racist, a con man, and a cheat.”


Trump considers it to be a total victory that Mueller’s not seeking to indict him (https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/23/politics/donald-trump-mar-a-lago-robert-mueller/index.html).


Another man who is celebrating the fact that he’s not being indicted is Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner.


Which is why our chief international correspondent, associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, found Kushner early this morning lounging on a beach chair at the luxurious Herods Herzliya resort in Eilat, Israel’s southernmost city.


“Oh hi, Larry,” Kushner said, as he tried to keep Theis from ogling Ivanka in her bikini, “Bibi paid for our trip here, and tomorrow MbS is hosting us in his royal palace in Riyadh."