Why Trump Left Hanoi, Having Accomplished Nothing

Donald Trump went to Hanoi at our expense, trying to get the Nobel Peace Prize which he craves, and which his base expects.


He likes to show the world that he’s taller than his close personal friend Kim Jongun.


Always glad to see Kim (“You’re a great leader, and if you give me what I want, I’ll build a pleasure palace for you right outside your Yongbyong nuke site, so you don’t have to sit your fat a_s on a train for two days, and if you really give me what I want, I’ll invite you to my pleasure palace at Mar-a-Lago”).


But now we can tell our thousands of readers why Trump left Hanoi early without signin’ nothin'. Associate solitary reporter Larry Theis, our chief international correspondent, knows full well why Trump got nothing done in Hanoi: there was no lower-level preparation, because Trump thinks he can shake somebody’s hand, psych them out, and win.


Trump left Hanoi because his former fixer-lawyer, Michael Cohen, told the world yesterday what a racist (that’s obvious), liar (that’s obvious) and cheat (that’s obvious) Trump is.


Cohen has, with good reason, expressed fears for his life at the hands of Trump. After all, they’re both New Yorkers.


Trump threw Cohen under the bus, and all that his chief mouthpiece, Sarah Huckabee, has to do is stay on script and call Cohen a

liar — which he clearly acknowledged yesterday as Trump faves Jim Jordan (R-Ohio) and Mark Meadows (R-NC) incessantly reminded him, but Cohen maintained his composure.


However, as House Oversight Committeee member Congresswoman Carolyn Maloney (D-NY) said yesterday at Chairman Elijah Cummings’ well-controlled hearing, the Committee’s hearing was really about redemption.


Trump, who pretends to be a Christian (only Pope Francis knows better) believes in redemption only if he gets to define the term.


Earlier today, our chief investigative reporter, associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman, was everywhere on Capitol Hill, looking for Cohen, because she wanted to assure herself that Cohen is safe.


As a woman of incredible prowess and sagacity, she mananged to gain access to House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff’s closed door hearing, in which the Intelligence Committee was supposed to meet today to ask Cohen whether Trump is intelligent.


She searched in vain, but Cohen was not there.


Then, she immediately went to the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) annual meeting in National Harbor, Maryland, just downriver from the Nation’s Capital, where topnotch radio host Joshua Johnson, of WAMU at American University in Northwest Washington, was holding forth, as he interviwed dozens of twenty-something political conservatives.


"Susanna,” Johnson said, as soon as he spotted her, “the man you are looking for is right over there.”


ASR Sherman then watched in horror as dozens of young CPAC members surrounded Cohen and taunted him with all kinds of anti-Semitic language.


Sherman, with help from ASR Lewis Thompson, called DNC Chair Tom Perez, who immediately dispatched a Truth Squad, which rescued Cohen and took him to Congresswoman Maloney’s office, where he thanked her profusely and then reported directly to the federal prison in Bruceton Mills, West Virginia, to begin serving his three-year prison sentence. Bruceton Hills is where the Hazelton federal prison complex is located. It’s known as “Misery Mountain” by the inmates who would prefer not to be there. And Cohen, obviously a sincere witness, will be very miserable there.


Meanwhile, Kim Jongun, on a specially secured train travelling through China, learned from associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun that the Russian River in Sonoma County, California, has risen very high above its banks, endangering many residents of the Golden State. This made Kim smile, because his hermit nation has a twenty-three mile border with Russia.


Associate solitary reporter Chrystal Richardson greeted Trump as he arrived at Andrews Air Force Base. Richards told Trump that his close personal friend Benjamin Netanyahu is about to be indicted for corruption by Attorney General Avichai Mandelblit, only weeks away from Bibi’s attempt to be re-elected to a fifth term. Trump told Richardson that he will immediately send Son-in-Law-in-Chief Jared Kushner to Jerusalem to offer Netanyahu ineffective pastoral care.