Trump Set to Invade Tonga As His Newest Distraction

Donald Trump heads to El Paso today to tout his crazy-ass border wall and to taunt Beto, who almost took out Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas) in November.


Trump’s pretty good in the Diversion Game, and his GOP negotiators in Congress are making no progress in the face of Friday’s time line for preventing another disastrous government shutdown.


So Trump has decided, as reported to us by associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, to distract everybody by invading Tonga — just as “RR” (Ronald Reagan) invaded Granada, a small Caribbean nation, in 1983 in Operation Urgent Fury. 


As the Times reports (, even though some island nations are being submerged by water in the face of global warming, there’s a brand-new, four-year old uninhabited volcanic island in the South Pacific, and it’s part of Tonga, in the South Pacific. And, as ASR Jones tells us, Trump’s gonna invade it real soon to show that American imperialism ain’t dead.


So we sent associate solitary reporters Susanna Sherman and newly minted associate solitary reporter Sam Levinson to the new island, known informally as Hunga Tonga-Hunga Ha-apai, to visit King ‘Aho’eitu ‘Unuaki’otonga Tuku’aho, Tonga’s current king, known as King Tupou VI.


Tupou VI told ASRs Sherman and Levinson about how when Captain Cook was welcomed to Tonga by its friendly denizens in 1773, 1774, and 1776, the local rulers wanted to kill him, but they couldn’t agree on a plan.


Aka, ke ho’olale ‘a nei makou i na po’e a pau i ko makou lahui nani” ("But now, we welcome everyone to our beautiful island nation”), “e makemake ana ka puhi e lawe i ka makou hou a me ka soho ‘ole Huna ina ga Tonga-Hunga Ha-apai, ma hope o kona pani’ana ia Gitmo, mahalo ‘ia e hana“ ("and if Trump wants to take over our uninhabited Hunga Tonaga-Hunga Ha-apai, he is welcome to do so after he closes Gitmo.”


Acting Defense Secretary Patrick Shanahan is ready to go on a moment’s notice.