Whitaker Tasked With Taking All Merriam-Webster Dictionaries to Nielsen So She Can Torch Them And Save Her Job

Donald Trump’s Acting Attorney General, the very controversial Matt Whitaker, must think that bald, menacing white guys are sexy, or something.


Guess again, Matt.


Not only that, but Trump’s already nominated relatively safe choice William Barr to succeed the now-scorched Jeff Sessions, for whom Whitaker was Chief of Staff. When he worked for Sessions, Whitaker was plotting to get Sessions’ job.


Whitaker, who came in fourth in the 2014 Iowa GOP Senate primary to now-Sen. Joni Ernst (who never wanted to date him), was involved with World Patent Marketing, which got itself fined $26 million and was shut down by the Federal Trade Commission last year for deceiving consumers.


Every year, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary Company lets all lexicographers and others know its choice for Word of the Year.


This, of course, is not about John 1:1 ("In ithe beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God” (NRSV)).


Anyway, this year, the Word of the Year is Justice (https://www.cnn.com/2018/12/17/americas/merriam-webster-word-justice-2018-scli-intl/index.html).


It’s so easy to figure out why.


It’s because of Trump and his constant lashing out at his own Department of Justice, as well as his insistence that he is the only one entitled to be treated fairly in the entire world, except he’s totally paranoid about anybody who doesn’t like him, which is a lot of people. All he really does is play to his base. If the evangelicals’ God, or Zeus, were, all of a sudden, to send a thunderbolt to Mar-a-Lago or Bedminister to warn Trump to quit strutting around at his xenophobic, anti-government rallies, he’d have to go back to Manhattan to pretend to make great deals that would only help rich people, while lining his own pocket.


This morning, associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, who has absolutely no interest at all in dating Whitaker (and certainly not Trump) was demurely sitting next to our Disrupter-in-Chief as he watched Fox News, when he erupted in one of his typical temper tantrums as he heard that Merriam-Webster had finally joined the ranks of The Resistance.


So he immediately got Whitaker on the phone and told him to go out and find every copy of every Merriam-Webster Dictionary and take it to Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen so she can light the torch (just as heretics were burned at the stake in the Middle Ages) and get rid of every single one of them.


Associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman was with Nielsen when she took Whitaker’s call. Nielsen jumped up and down in joy, in total thralldom. “This how I’m gonna keep my job!” she said.


Our chief international correspondent, ASR Larry Theis, just texted us from Paris, where he is gathering anecdotal evidence of Parisians’ responses to Trump’s continuing efforts to further the burning up of Terra Firma.


“Il est absolument fou, et, d’ailleurs il est tres dangereux” ("He’s completely crazy, and very dangerous"), said Christina Montreux, one of Paris’ leading citizens, referring to the man who was the subject of international condemnation for skipping a visit with other world leaders to a veterans’ cemetery in Paris because it was raining.