Cohen to Give Press Conference Today at Yankee Stadium; Trump Keeps His Chief of Staff in the Family; Melania's Whereabouts Uncertain

Michael Cohen fiinally fessed up, but Donald Trump is still lying.


Lying is part of Trump’s DNA.


Trump, Cohen, and David Pecker met in August 2015, knowing full well that Playmate of the Month Karen McDougal was getting ready to tell the world about her ten month affair with Trump, and that pornstar Stormy Daniels would soon do the same — especially, in Stormy’s case, because she knew it would increase her business cred (


Early today, associate solitary reporters Johanna Jones and Susanna Sherman met with Special Counsel Robert Mueller and Geoffrey Berman, the United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York.


Mueller and Berman told our top two ASRs that Cohen, who won’t be reporting to prison until March 6, that Trump’s former fixer will be holding a news conference later today at Yankee Stadium.


“We’ve tested Cohen’s singing voice,” Berman said, “and his pitch is perfect.”


“He’s going to say that Vladimir Putin paid for Trump’s inauguration last year,” Berman continued, “you know, the worst-ever attended inauguration ever.”


“He’s also going to say that on the same day that Roger Stone is indicted, he’ll pardon Paul Manafort,” as Mueller nodded in agreement.


“The Democratic National Committee is selling tickets to Cohen’s press conference at a thousand per. We just got that confirmed by DNC Chair Tom Perez.”


When ASR Jones told Trump’s mouthpiece, Sarah Huckabee, about Cohen’s upcoming press conference, she made an emergency call to embattled Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen.


Five minutes later, Nielsen called Huckabee, saying that Perez has been picked up outside his DNC office, where he was fleeing for his life, but that Perez, Berman, and Mueller are all now on their way to Girmo.


Then Trump appeared in front of the cameras, with his ned necktie reaching the floor and the thing on his head all askew.


“Sarah and Kirstjen are way too soft on those three clowns,” our Liar-in-Chief said, "so I’ve just told Jared to round up Perez, Mueller, and Berman, and take them to a black CIA site in Poland, so they can get what they deserve.”


“I’m also appointing Barron as my Chief of Staff. I like to keep everything in the family.”


When Melania learned that her only child has been tapped as her husband’s next sacrificial lamb, she fled to the Slovenian Embassy and begged Ambassador Stanislav Vidovic to take her back to her homeland.


Don’t expect to see Melania anywhere near the White House. She’s either in the Slovenian Embassy under 24/7 protection there, or conferring with Mueller.


She’s also very upset that her poll numbers are hovering around 11 percent, even lower than the Liar-in-Chief.