Pence Tells Associate Solitary Reporter Johanna Jones That He's Ready

Individual Number One is how Donald Trump was referred to in court documents in Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s inquiries into the activities of former Trump fixer Michael Cohen.


Trump is used to getting whatever he wants — deals, money, women, and an unprecedented amount of political power.


A notorious womanizer, he had affairs with pornstar Stormy Daniels and Playmate of the Month Karen McDougal. In typical style, our Liar-in-Chief has denied both allegations — though, in the Hollywood Access videotape, he let everybody know how virile he considers himself to be.


Now it seems clear that it was Invidiual Number One who directed Cohen to pay hush money to Daniels, only weeks away from the 2016 election: a clear violation of election campaign laws ( See also “Prosecutors Say Trump Directed Illegal Payments During Campaign” by Sharon LaFraniere, Benjamin Weiser, and Maggie Haberman in today’s Times.


To persuade evangelicals that his heart is pure, Trump tapped former Indiana conservative radio talk show host Mike Pence to be his running mate.


But now, Trump, who hates exercise except sexexercise, is running, just as fast as he can move his overwieght body, away from Mueller.


So we sent associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones to ask Pence if he’s ready.


“Johanna, I’m ready at any time to  meet my Maker — but the first thing I’m gonna do when I’m sworn in to succeed our Commander-in-Chief, I’m gonna have you taken to an undisclosed location in Egypt. See how you like it there!”


But Jones, who is fluent in many languages, including Arabic, wasn’t fazed in the least.


“Mikey,” Jones said, “I know how to take care of myself — something your boss knows nothing about."