Donald Trump is back in Washington after having dinner with Xi Jing-ping in Buenos Aires. Over dinner, they reached some pale imitation of a truce in Trump’s trade war with China.
Our chief international corespondent, Larry Theis, served as Trump’s interpreter for his clandestine meeting with Vladimir Putin (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2018/12/01/in-buenos-aires-trump-agrees-to-sell-alaska-to-putin-for-a-hundred-rubles-melania-seeks-refuge-in-the-slovenian-embassy/), so we tasked him with reporting on what really happened when the leaders of the world’s two largest economies met. This is what he posted for us:
“Donny,” Xi began, “now that we have a limited agreement to call off our trade fisticuffs until March 1, I thought that I had better alert you that on Christmas Day, I’m gonna invade Taiwan, which is part of China.”
“I realize that this may upset you, given your country’s long-standing and very annoying habit of supporting that rogue regime, but time’s up, Donny.”
“Because you are such an idiot when it comes to international affairs, and because of how you have treated your allies in Canada, Europe, Japan, and South Korea, you have no credibility at all when it comes to this real world stuff.”
“America's puppet, Chiang Kai-shek, fled to Taiwan when we Communists defeated him in 1949, and that’s been a thorn in our side ever since.”
“So when I send my warplanes, my navy, and my Army to Taiwan on December 25, I’ve arranged for you to be my guest in Macau at the Caesars Golf Club. I’ve chosen that venue for you since most of the time you act like Caesar because you think you are an emperor.”
“My employees at Caesars Golf Macau will take care of all your needs, and I mean that literally. There are lots of pretty women in Macau and Hong Kong, and I will make all of them available to you.”
“I also realize, Donny, that your Secretary of Transportation, Elaine Chao, who is from Taiwan and who is married to your close personal friend Mitch McConnell, will be upset about my coming invasion, so I advise you to tell Elaine to just stay out of this. She should stay with Mitch in her very fashionable home on Capitol Hill and not get involved.”
“I will also let you build a resort as big as you want in Macau, in Hong Kong, or anywhere else in our great country. How about putting one of your casinos in Xinjiang? I am re-educating lots of my Uighur subjects so they will obey only me. I can easily make them available to you as slave laborers at whatever business you want to promote in Xinjiang."
After Xi finished this speech, Trump said, “I am so grateful to you, Mr. President, for giving me advance notice, and I’ll tell Mattis and Haspel to just go along with you. Sure, you can have Taiwan as long as you quit stealing all our intellectual property, and as long as you tell Kim Jongun to shape up so I can get my Nobel.”
The two shook hands and gave each other a bear hug. Theis packed his bag and came home to Denver, awaiting his next assignment.
In other news, associate solitary reporter Jane Rabinowitz, who is stationed in Jerusalem, told us that what everyone in Israel is talking about is how Benhamin Netanyahu is doing such a good job of imitating the corruption which Trump practices every day in and out of Washington. This, as a police investigation in Israel is conducting its third investigation into Netanyahu’s corrupt practices.