Macron, Putin Revisit the Napoleonic Wars as Macron Celebrates France's Victory Over Croatia in the World Cup

Yesterday, we compared the 1789 storming of the Bastille to Donald Trump’s totally unhelpful and disgraceful visit to the UK (


This caused associate solitary reporter and chief international correspondent Larry Theis, who is fluent in Russian, Ukrainian, German, French, Spanish, Portuguese, Hungarian, Polish, Korean, Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Tagalog, and dozens of other languages, including (to a considerably lesser extent) English, to confer with Macron and Vladimir Putin today in Moscow’s Luzhniki Statium as Macron and Theis celebrated France’s victory over Croatia, 4-2. Croatia’s 46-year old president, Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic, stayed in Zagreb during the match, out of concern that she might be hit on by numerous Russian goons.


“Larry,” Macron said, “yesterday, your colleague, associate solitary reporter Dana Packwood, provided AP readers with a compelling narrative, in which Theresa May revisited the War of 1812 by planning to launch a full-scale attack on the upstart United States after Donald Trump publicly trashed her ahead of his meeting tomorrow with his close personal friend Vladimir Putin, who is sitting here right next to me.”


“Although the United States was only a footnote on the world stage in 1812,” Macron continued, "our glorious Napoleon I marched into Moscow in 1812. But for the Russian Winter, he would have defeated Tsar Alexander I and captured all of Russia, all the way to Russia's Pacific coast.”


Putin interjected, “Emmanuel, you seem to forget that we glorious Russians chased Napoleon all the way to Paris in an ignominious retreat.”


“And that’s my strategy for re-establishing the Soviet Empire,” Putin continued, “and that dolt Trump is such a putz, nobody can stop me now.”


As all this was taking place, Putin told associate solitary reporter Foma Kheroshonski, “Foma, after I retake Bulgaria and Romania, I’m heading straight to Croatia. It was Communist under Yugoslavia’s Tito, and it's Tito’s unacceptable refusal to be part of Stalin’s Soviet Union that I am revisiting now, as long as we are talking about rewriting history.”


“Josef Stalin was the greatest leader the world has ever known,” Putin added. Putin has recently condemned Armando Iannuci’s 2017 satirical film, The Death of Stalin, for misrepresenting the Golden Age of Soviet Communism.


Everybody knows that when Putin meets a greatly weakened Trump tomorrow in Helsinki, Trump will give Putin anything he wants. Putin prepares for summits meticulously, while Trump just breezes in and out of summits, with no preparation, treating them all the while as photo-ops.


As Macron continued his friendly chat with Theis, Macron glowed with pride as he said, “Larry, did you notice how many black players were on France’s team? And that Croatia’s team was all-white? Kylian Mbappe scored our fourth goal, and he’s only 19, and born in Paris."


Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones was with Trump as he arrived today in Helsinki. Trump told Jones that he plans to ask Putin to introduce him, in Moscow, to the twelve Russian military hackers who were indicted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Friday. “Johanna, I want to meet them and thank them for helping me be where I am today."