Why Nobody Should Pay Any Attention At All to Trump's SCOTUS Shortlist

At over six feet tall, chronically overweight at 238 pounds and subsisting only on junk food, and with a carefully manicured and well-fed orange squirrel on top of his head, Donald Trump is not short, but he has a shortlist of potential replacements to succeed retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy — “Justice Swing Vote” — who bigly antagonized conservatives, especially Sen. Ted Cruz (TP-Texas, up for re-election this year) by authoring the SCOTUS decision granting constitutional protection to gay marriage.


There are some 25 people on the list (https://www.politico.com/story/2018/06/27/anthony-kennedy-replacements-supreme-court-trump-679941), including former Colorado Supreme Court Justice Allison Eid. All on the list are relatively young — just as Clarence Thomas, now 70, was only 43 when Bush One put him on SCOTUS to replace America’s first African American Supreme Court Justice, the late, great Thurgood Marshall. Justice Thomas, a native of Pin Point, Georgia, who grew up speaking Gullah and then majored in English literature in college, is notoriously conservative, and he consistently voted with Scalia.


Yesterday, we reminded our readers that we had previously said that both Michael Cohen and Chuck Grassley might get the nod (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2018/06/27/trump-nominates-giuliani-to-supreme-court-to-succeed-justice-kennedy/).


Forget about them. Much as Fat Boy Chris Christie would love such a nomination — either that or replace Sessions at Justice — associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones gave us, moments ago, the headsup that we needed.


Jones just emerged from the Oval Office, where, as usual, she was invisible, but she distinctly heard Trump tell imperiled Chief of Staff John Kelly to get Leonard Leo to His presence right away.


Leo, 52, is the executive vice president of the Federalist Society — an organization of hyper-conservatives which wants to place its permanent conservative imprint on the American judiciary. It was Leonard Leo who contacted Neil Gorsuch, then a reliable conservative on the federal court of appeals for the Tenth Circuit, to ask him whether he would like to be considered to succeed Justice Antonin Scalia, who died in February 2016 while staying at a hunting lodge in Texas.


Leonard Leo served as an intern for Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah and clerked for a conservative appellate judge in DC. He was National Co-Chairman of Catholic Outreach for the RNC and was the 2004 Bush Two presidential campaign’s Catholic strategist. He organized support for John Roberts and Samuel Alito as nominees to the Court. He’s a board member of the National Catholic Prayer Breakfast and is a member of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta, a Catholic lay organization which is recognized as the only sovereign state in the world which lacks territory.


When Leo arrived in the Oval Office within five minutes of being summoned, he told Trump “Sir, as a very conservative Catholic, I am the perfect counterweight to Pope Francis, who has dinged you repeatedly for your totally valid crusade against immigrants from south of the border.”  


“Sir, if you want me on the Court, I am totally your man."


“First thing I do when I get sworn in by Roberts, I will take the very first opportunity to tell my colleagues that they have to overrule Roe v. Wade as a matter of pure natural law, required by God.”


“Next, we’re gonna overrule that crazy-ass decision by Kennedy allowing gay marriage. That means that gayly married folk can find some other country to go to, maybe Uganda or Russia."


“I will totally support your strong efforts, Sir, to keep dirty people from Central America and Mexico out of the land of the free and the home of the brave.”


“You are absolutely correct that Islam is the most serious enemy of the United States.”


“As soon as you fire Rosenstein and then Mueller, you have nothing to worry about, and your re-election in 2020 and 2024 is assured."


“Any decision you make, including your very valid trade war, based on national security, I’m with you all the way, Sir.”


“Good boy, Leo."


“Leo, get your wife and seven kids here this afternoon. You’re my boy. You’re going to replace Justice Kennedy.”


Leo genuflected, raced to his home, and was back in the Oval Office within three hours with his wife and all seven children. Then, Trump, with Senator Majority Leader Mitch McConnell at his side, introduced Leo to the wider world.


McConnell promised immediate hearings and immediate confirmation.