ASRs Jones and Sherman Unearth Justice Department Inspector General's Draft Letter to Ryan, Dated November 30, 2016

Here at AP, we have the best ever sleuths.


Yesterday, after the Justice Department’s Inspector General, Michael Horowitz, a magna cum laude graduate of Harvard Law School, released his 500 page tome on Hillary Clinton’s well-documented inability to use email properly, we sent associate solitary reporters Johanna Jones and Susanna Sherman to the IG’s closely guarded safe deep in the bowels of the Justice Department.


Jones and Sherman are the best in the business. In only two minutes, they cracked open Horowitz’ safe, where they found, enclosed in heavy metal binders, the draft of a letter to House Speaker Paul Ryan.


The letter was dated November 30, 2016. It reads:


“Dear Mr. Speaker:


“You should be aware that although Hillary Clinton did not trust her subordinates at the State Department, we found, after an exhaustive investigation, no classified information in her emails that ended up on the laptop of that dips__t, Andrew Weiner. However, we did find that  Weiner didn’t like his wife, Huma Abedin, who was, in 2016, married to him, although we never could understand why such a brilliant and attractive woman would want to be married to a sexster. We also found that Huma didn’t like Weiner at all.


"As you and your highly partisan Republican colleagues know, Huma was Secretary Clinton’s aide and close personal friend for many years. In fact, Secretary Clinton was like a mother to Huma.


“What we also learned during our investigation (don’t forget, Paul, that I have hundreds of investigators on my staff) is that Donald Trump would never be able to pass a security check so that he could have access to top secret and other classified information essential to the security of our great nation.


“So, Paul old buddy, I recommend that you immediately initiate proceedings to cancel the results of the November 2016 election and declare that Hillary Clinton is the 45th president of the United States.


“If you do that, Paul, you will go down in history as a great Speaker and a great American, before you return to Janesville.”


Jones and Sherman immediately went to Horowitz’ office and demanded to know why he never sent that letter.


Horowitz was unavailable, but his receptionist said that he was closeted with Trump’s Attorney General, Jeff Sessions. “The Attorney General is grilling Horowitz on why his report on Hillary’s emails wasn’t a stronger condemnation of Hillary,” the receptionist said.


Jones and Sherman curtsied to the male receptionist and left to go back to their offices so they can continue in their duties of exposing the truth about Trump and about the operations of our government.