Trump, Kim Jong-un Weigh in on Next Olympic Venues

Although he is primarily governed by his ungovernable testosterone, Donald Trump is thinking ahead to the next Olympics.


In a conversation earlier today with associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, Trump said that the next Summer Olympics must be held at one of his resorts, preferably Bedminster in New Jersey or Mar-a-Lago in Florida.


“Johanna,” he began, “all I really care about is how to make more money. The Olympics is a great moneymaker, but with all the power I have, I should be able to make the International Olympic Committee bend to my will.”


When Jones asked Trump why he refuses to allow the House Intelligence Committees rejoinder to the Nunes-GOP Memo to be made public, Trump said, “I am being extremely fair to the Democrats, but they are being extremely unfair to me."


Associate solitary reporter Ko Il-sun is covering the Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang. There, his primary interest revolves around how angry Mike Pence is about the United States being excluded from any conversations between South Korean President Moon Jae-in and Kim Jong-un’s extremely powerful younger sister, Kim Yo-jong, who runs Kim’s Propaganda and Agitation Department of the Workers’ Party of North Korea.


Ko was granted a private conversation with Kim Yo-jung. There, he asked her whether her brother plans to demand that the IOC schedule the next Winter Olympics in her brother’s workers’ paradise. “Definitely,” she said. “It is the absolute obligation of the IOC to showcase our democracy. You mustn’t forget that my brother is the democratically elected leader of the Democratic Peoples’ Republic of Korea.”


When Ko told Jones what Kim Yo-jung said, Jones told Trump, who erupted in a twitterrage and called IOC President Thomas Bach. “Bach, you gotta have the next Summer Olympics at Bedminster or Mar-a-Lago."


But when Bach, a former Olympic fencer from Germany, told Trump that the Summer Olympics in 2020 will be held in Los Angeles, Trump demanded that Bach change the schedule to highlight his re-eleciton campaign. When Bach declined, Trump cancelled diplomatic relations with Germany.