Trump: "That garbage truck driver in Virginia had to be an illegal;" Desperately Wants to Fire Rosenstein Ahead of Firing Mueller; Why Pelosi Is Smiling

Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones, and her numerous colleagues, have been very busy lately. All our associate solitary reporters (ASRs) are Democratic Party moles who have infiltrated the Trump Administration.


Jones was with Donald Trump yesterday when a White House janitor (associate solitary reporter Isaac Newton) told him that an Amtrak train had crashed near Charlottesville, Virginia, after hitting a garbage truck which was on the track. The train was carrying numerous misguided Republican Members of Congress on their way to a retreat at the posh Greenbrier luxury resort near White Sulfur Springs, West Virginia. The retreat will have to deal with the upcoming government shutdown, for which the GOP will be entirely to blame. Not only that, they will be unable to reach consensus on what to do about immigration, as the government hurtles toward yet another shutdown on February 8 (no wonder the Chinese think we don’t know how to govern ourselves).


The last US president to stay at The Greenbrier while president was war hero Dwight D. Eisenhower, but Trump is planning to stay there tomorrow for the GOP retreat. 


Newton, being fully aware that Trump doesn’t know the first thing about infrastructure, called Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao (wife of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell) before he told Trump about the accident.


Chao thanked Newton, saying “Candidly, Isaac, we probably won’t be able to get my infrastructure bill through Congress, because Trump wants the states and local governments to pay for it.”


“Not only that, Isaac, the man has never driven an automobile, and he has absolutely no understanding of how roads are planned and paid for.”


“Isaac, the last time I was in Denver, it took me three hours for my limousine to get me from lower downtown Denver to the State Capitol, a distance of only a mile.”


“I was in the Mile High City because I was trying to get Gov. Hickenlooper and Denver Mayor Michael Hancock to reverse their foolish decisions to go through with a cap and cover plan to replace the dangerous two mile long viaduct on Interstate 70 between Brighton Boulevard with an unsafe ditch."


The Greenbrier is also the site of a massive underground bunker that was meant to serve as an emergency shelter for the United States Congress during the Cold War. The bunker was code named “Project Greek Island.”


Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told associate solitary reporter Carmen Delgado, in confidence, that Trump may be forced to stay in the bunker if Kim Jongun throws one of his missiles at The Greenbrier. “I’m really worried, Carmen, that the bunker won’t be comfortable enough for Mr. Trump, because there’s no gold-plated bed down there."


Jones was also with Trump last year when he asked Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, “Are you on my team?” ( It was Jones who conveyed this information to Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Jones was with Trump yesterday as he told his Son-in-Law-in-Chief, Jared Kushner, to fire Rosenstein.


House Speaker Paul Ryan became seriously worried about his close personal friend and Trump lackey, House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devn Nunes (R-California). Ryan was tearing his hair out, wondering whether Nunes was injured when the Amtrak train hit the garbage truck.


When Newton told Trump that the Amtrak train carrying the GOP legislators had hit a garbage truck, Trump immediately said, “That truck must have been driven by an illegal alien."


Trump sycophant Nunes insists on releasing the infamous Nunes Memo, which not even Senate Intelligence Committee Chairman Richard Burr (R-North Carolina) has even seen. And Trump wants to release it, even though his own hand-picked FBI Director, Christopher Wray, has grave doubts about the wisdom of its release. As the entire world knows, Trump is doing his very best to undermine the FBI.


In Colorado, Colorado GOP Chairman Jeff Hays wondered out loud why Congressman Doug Lamborn (TP-Colorado Springs) was not on the Amtrak train. Lamborn is perpetually unpopular in the Centennial State’s 5th Congressional District, which is based in hyper-conservative El Paso County, and other Republicans always run against him, but Lamborn has never lost a primary.


And Olympic gymnastics medalist Simone Biles, speaking in public for the first time about the abuse perpetrated on her by former USA Gymnastics physician Larry Nassar, told associate solitary reporter Calista Learned , “I’m only now able to talk about how Larry Nassar abused me and my colleagues. But I will never vote for Donald Trump because he openly bragged about his sexual prowess in the Hollywood Access tape. Trump probably thinks Larry Nassar should be pardoned."


At the Capitol, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith that she is very pleased that Congressman Trey Gowdy (TP-South Carolina), the infamous chairman of the Benghazi Committee, has announced that he is not running for reelection ( “Not only is he a badass Republican,” Pelosi said, “he is one weird looking dude.”


ASR Smith asked Pelosi to comment on White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee’s comment that she, Pelosi, “should smile more.”


“Melissa, I’ll only smile on camera when Donald Trump is in the gallery of the House Chamber when Happy Days Return.”


Lastly, Jones told Trump that his Justice Department has decided not to retry Sen. Bob Menendez (D-New Jersey) on corruption charges. Sen. Menendez’ parents came to the United States from Cuba a few months before the future senator was born. Yesterday, Cuban-born U.S. District Judge José Linares dismissed all charges against Sen. Menendez and his co-defendant, Dr. Solomon Melgen, who hails from the Dominican Republic.


“Those spics are never trustworthy,” Trump told Jones. “That so-called judge Linares should be impeached for dismissing those charges against Menendez."