We here at AP have been so busy this year, all because Donald Trump wasn’t supposed to prevail in the Electoral College.
We eagerly report on the news that didn’t happen. But sometimes, what we “report” is really close to the s__t that Trump puts out.
Almost every day, we rely on yet another associate solitary reporter to be where we cannot be. Three of our associate solitary reporters (Edmonton Mayor Gary Zeman, chief international correspondent Larry Theis, and Unitarian Universalist Association Moderator Lewis Thompson III) are real people. All our associate solitary reporters make a lot more money than we do, which is, of course, the way it should be.
Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones is with Donald Trump day and night. She spends much more time with him than does the third Mrs. Trump. Jones is a very beautiful young woman, but she is also very strong and powerful, and she never lets Trump get anywhere near her privates. When she really wants to p__s him off, she wears her pussy hat. She led the 100,000 person strong Women’s March Against Trump on January 21 in the Mile High City, and your solitary reporter marched with her. The Secret Service and Trump’s chief sycophant, Kellyanne Conway, have frequently thrown her out of the Oval Office onto the White House lawn, where she is routinely ministered to by the ACLU.
On January 20, we reported that Chief Justice John Roberts, a very politically astute Republican, decided to boycott Trump’s party on the West Front of the Capitol (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/01/20/roberts-to-boycott-inauguration/) because he knew damn well that Trump would yell about carnage and MAGA.
On January 31, we announced that Breitbart News would write all the opinions of Scalia replacement Justice Neil Gorsuch (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/01/20/roberts-to-boycott-inauguration/).
We predicted, way back on April 6, that Trump’s campaign CEO and Chief Strategist (a position Trump created for him) Steve Bannon would return to Breitbart News (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/04/06/bannon-returns-in-triumph-to-breitbart-pence-caught-meeting-alone-with-susan-rice/). Bannon was fired on August 18, less than a week after Charlottesville’s Unite the Right Rally, a gathering that he and leading white nationalist Richard Spencer praised.
On April 25, ASR Theis was with extreme right wing French presidential candidate Marine Le Pen as she called Donald Trump a pig even though he had just endorsed her campaign (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/04/25/le-pen-exposes-trump-s-false-front/).
On April 30, we reported on what happened when Trump attended Samantha Bee’s Not The White House Correspondents Dinner (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/04/30/test-title/).
On May 6, Trump’s close personal friend, Vladimir Putin, proudly fessed up to everything that he did to get Trump elected, as associate solitary reporters Melissa Smith and Foma Kheroshonsky, who is based in Moscow, looked on (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/12/30/putin-tells-all/). That post featured the often-present associate solitary reporter Susanna Sherman as well. Sherman is almost as busy working for us as is Jones.
On May 23, we reported on Yahweh’s response to Trump’s visit to the Western Wall. Associate solitary reporter Eliazer Weitzman helped us out (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/05/23/yahweh-s-response-to-trump-at-the-western-wall/).
On June 4, Trump demanded that British PM Theresa May order that London’s mayor, Sadiq Khan, be drawn and quartered because he is a Muslim (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/06/04/trump-trumped-by-theresa-may/).
On June 25, Trump had a colonoscopy, with interesting results (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/06/25/trump-s-colonoscopy/). On the following day, we reported on the SCOTUS decision about a Lutheran school in Missouri, including a short introduction to Lutran Airlines (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/06/26/scotus-lutherans-can-get-free-government-grants-for-their-church-playgrounds-why-trump-is-otherwise-happy-with-our-highest-court-and-his-scalia-replacement/).
On June 30, we told you how Trump's aides couldn’t figure out which psychiatric hospital to send him to (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/06/30/trump-aides-are-deeply-divided-over-which-psychiatric-ward-to-send-trump-to/).
Then on July 4, Trump issued his long-awaited executive order (sent by Twitter) replacing Independence Day with Depend on Donald Day (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/07/04/trump-s-independence-day-executive-order-is-revealed/). And on July 6, Trump replaced Office of Government Ethics Director Walter Schaub with HUD Secretary Ben Carson (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/07/06/trump-to-appoint-ben-carson-to-head-the-office-of-government-ethics/). Shortly after that, we revealed that Trump had invaded Venezuela and that Putin had offered him political asylum, most likely in Sochi (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/07/11/trump-invades-venezuela-putin-offers-trump-asylum/).
On August 16, Trump announced that he would replace fired chief strategist and Alt-Right Prince Steve Bannon with David Duke (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/08/16/trump-taps-david-duke-to-replace-bannon/). Better yet, Trump told his supporters in Houston that they will have to pay for their own recovery from Hurricane Harvey (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/09/03/in-houston-trump-tells-flood-victims-they-have-to-pay-for-rebuilding/).
On September 12, Amazon announced that its next headquarters will be in Denver, and ASR Thompson announced that he’s running for mayor of the Mile High City in 2019 (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/09/12/bezos-to-open-satellite-amazon-hq-in-denver-asr-lewis-thompson-iii-announces-run-for-denver-mayor/). Thompson, one of the rare natives of Denver, is very concerned about Denver’s over-development and Mayor Michaela B Hancock’s close ties to developers. Thompson doesn’t care much for the weather in Boston, where the Unitarian Universalist Association is headquartered. “I’m really looking forward to getting back to the Mile High City,” he told us recently.
On October 8, Trump told ASR Jones that he greatly envies Harvey Weinstein’s sexual prowess (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/10/08/trump-tells-asr-jones-he-envies-harvey-weinstein-s-sexual-prowess/). Trump has, so far, not been forced to resign over Billy Bush’s Hollywood Access tape. ASR Jones does not get it that Trumpite women voted for him. Colorado’s junior senator, Cory Gardner, a Republican from Yuma, didn’t, but Cory ended up as number four in the Senate leadership.
December 6: Netanyahu accepts Trump’s offer to move the capital of Israel to Trump Tower (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/12/06/netanyahu-accepts-trump-s-invitation-to-move-israel-s-capital-to-trump-tower/).
Of course, we covered everything that Ten Commandments Judge Roy Moore did to ruin the GOP’s chances to keep the Senate in the midterms (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/12/09/moore-joins-trump-at-pensacola-rally-on-eve-of-alabama-s-special-election/).
On December 15, Trump announced that when Justice Anthony Kennedy retires, he’ll put FCC Chairman Ajit Pai, the lead player in the Trumpistic repeal of the net neutrality rule, on the highest court in the land (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/12/15/trump-gets-to-have-his-pai-and-eat-it-too/).
On December 17, we endorsed Cary Kennedy’s campaign to succeed Democrat John Hickenlooper as the Centennial State’s governor (https://www.apocryphalpress.com/2017/12/17/how-one-courageous-evangelical-leader-will-help-take-down-trump-asr-jones-endorses-cary-kennedy-for-governor-of-colorado/). Kennedy is the only candidate in the crowded Dem field who has nine years of executive experience in Colorado government. She’ll be the first woman elected governor of Colorado.
We have an extensive sitemap at apocryphalpress.com, so you can always go there to find out what either did happen, or didn’t happen.
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Be assured, AP fans, that all our associate solitary reporters (we’ve nearly lost track of all of ‘em, as they are all over the globe), will continue to report to you all the news in 2018, when the Democrats will take back the House and the Senate, and when all Democrats in Colorado will defeat all the Republican candidates. Aurora attorney David Aarestad will defeat Mike Coffman (TP-Colorado) in Congressional District 6, and 33-year old Jena Griswold will defeat Wayne Williams in the race for Secretary of State. Democrat Joe Neguse will succeed super-rich Congressman Jared Polis in Congressional District 2. Joe will be the first African American to serve Colorado in Congress. Your solitary reporter did a funder for Joe in 2014 when he ran for Secretary of State, but Joe lost his race to Williams in a Republican year. That same year, former Colorado House Speaker Andrew Romanoff lost his race to defeat Mike Coffman, even though your solitary reporter did a funder for him in May 2013. Romanoff refused to take any PAC money. Trump, although seriously mentally ill with classic narcissistic personality disorder, obsessive personality disorder, and megalomania, never contributes to Romanoff’s non-profit, Mental Health Colorado.