In Alabama, Republican Politicians Sure Do Love Sex

As GOP leaders, from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell on down (Donald Trump, not being much of anything resembling a so-called “establishment Republican,” hasn’t the faintest idea how to deal with his Roy Moore problem) are pondering what to do about Judge Roy Moore’s soon (December 12) to be successful campaign to go to Washington (, so it has become necessary for us here at AP to put our own take on what got the GOP into this mess.


At the advanced age of 70, Judge Roy Moore,, is still full of piss ’n vinegar.


Moore is a so-called born-again Christian. Born-again Christians are notorious for misreading and misinterpreting the portions of the New Testament which mistakenly promise life after death. As famed Catholic spiritual writer and priest Henri Nouwen famously said in an audiocassette, “When you’re dead, you’re dead".


In 2003, Moore, the “Ten Commandments Judge,” was removed from his day job as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court for failing to get rid of his monument to the Ten Commandments, which he had illegally put in the Alabama Judicial Building. He ran for Governor of the Heart of Dixie State as a Republican, in 2006 and 2010, but couldn’t get through the primaries. He then got himself elected once again as Chief Justice, but he was suspended in May of last year for directing probate judges to continue to enforce Alabama’s ban on same-sex marriages, despite the fact that the US Supreme Court had ruled that such laws are unconstitutional (Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. ____ (2015)).


Then Donald Trump received more votes than former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in the Electoral College, and Trump named Alabama’s junior senator, Jeff Sessions, as his Attorney General, after Sessions was the first US Senator to endorse Trump for the presidency, as both are well-known xenophobes. Moore announced in April that he would run for the Republican nomination for Sessions’ seat. This, after then Gov. Robert Bentley appointed Big Luther Strange to the vacancy created by Sessions’ move to the Justice Department, where Sessions has fastidiously refused to do Trump’s bidding on issues near and dear to Trump’s heart. Bentley couldn’t keep his pants zipped up, so he was forced to resign, to be succeeded by his airhead Lieutenant Governor, Kay Ivey, who will be soundly defeated in November 2018 by former Alabama Chief Justice Sue Bell Cobb, a good ol’ gal Democrat. Big Luther ran for election, with a half-hearted endorsement from Trump, but The Ten Commandments Judge whipped Big Luther’s butt on September 26 and thus became the Republican nominee, to face Democrat Doug Jones on December 12. Jones is a former United States Attorney for the Northern District of Alabama, appointed by President Clinton; Jones prosecuted the remaining two Ku Klux Klan perpetrators of the 1963 bombing of the 16th Street Baptist Church bombing which killed four African American girls. Alabamans don’t like Democrats (Richard Nixon’s Southern Strategy took care of that) and Strange would have been a shoo-in if he had won the primary against Moore, a white supremacist who regularly embraces conspiracy theories. Moore joined Trump’s completely unfounded claim that Barack Obama was not born in the United States. Recently, five women have called Moore out for sexually assaulting them when they were teenagers and Moore was a thirty-something prosecutor. Moore has repeatedly attacked McConnell, who is losing lots of sleep trying to figure out how to keep Moore out of the Senate, even saying that if Moore is the victor on December 12 over Jones, he should be expelled from the Senate.


All this is because two Republican politicians in the Heart of Dixie State enjoy sex, in the, if we may say so, public square; both (Bentley and Moore) have been caught.


Associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith interviewed Moore early this morning. Smith asked him about the intense efforts by McConnell and the rest of the so-called Republican establishment to force him to quit the race (McConnell wants Sen. Strange to resign, thus forcing a special election so Sessions, soon to be fired by Trump, could jump in and save the seat for the GOP), only Sessions, a stubborn ol’ goat if there ever was one, doesn’t want to leave the Justice Department; Sessions enjoys spending most of his time being grilled by the House and Senate Intelligence Committee and, probably, by Special Counsel Robert Mueller.


Moore said, “Melissa Honey, God understands a man’s need to take care of his needs. Sure, I wanted to have sex with those five purty women, and I talked to God about that, and the Lord said it was okay ‘long as Ah didn’t let on that Ah had requested that those purty gals would service me.”


When ASR Smith told The Times, Politico, and CNN what Moore told her, Moore’s campaign filed suit against your apocryphal newspaper. The ACLU is defending us against Moore’s lawsuit. Contributions to our defense may be sent to Apocryphal Press c/o Tom Korson, 5757 East 22nd Avenue, Denver, CO 80207.