Another Totally Boring Day in the White House

Moments after the CIA released most of Osama bin Laden’s diary to the public, Donald Trump claimed credit for doing him in.


“I am so much more macho than any of those dudes on SEAL Team 6,” Trump told associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones. “I love guns, especially automatic weapons. Wayne LaPierre showed me how to use them. Yes, Johanna, it wasn’t SEAL Team Six that killed bin Laden — I did it myself!!"


“And I’m cutting off all relations with Uzbekistan.”


“Tomorrow I will announce that I’m gonna invade Cuba from Gitmo. I feel like I need to do that as a way of apologizing to Little Marco for insulting him last year during the campaign.”


Trump had planned to leave for Asia today, but those plans will, most likely, have to be scrapped.


As a true patriot, ASR Jones told Chief of Staff John Kelly what she had just heard Trump tell her. Kelly told Defense Secretary James Mattis, and Mattis called for backup. Kelly hurriedly called the Psychiatric Institute of Washington for an immediate ambulance. But the Institute’s Interim CEO, Jennifer Wiggins, told Kelly that Trump’s paranoia, hyper-grandiosity, and classic narcissistic disorder are beyond the capability of any psychiatric hospital, or any psychiatrist, to treat. Kelly then got Surgeon General Jerome Adams to bring restraints to prepare for an immediate craniotomy, which, Adams suspects, will reveal a completely empty brain.


But when Trump saw that Adams is African American, he threw a huge hissy fit. He is now bound and gagged in the Situation Room, with former Indiana right-wing talk show host Mike Pence ready to take over as Commander in Chief under the 25th Amendment. Pence told Jones that he’ll need her support him with regard to Trump’s extreme disability. “Johanna, you spend more time with him than I do, and his base is gonna erupt big time when I succeed him under the 25th Amendment. Can you help me out with this, the toughest job I have ever faced?”


“I have all the evidence you’ll ever need,” Jones told Pence.