Solitary Reporter Foments Political Insurrection in Maine

Readers of this apocryphal newspaper have been unable to read the news that didn’t happen for an entire week, because your solitary reporter spent a blissful week as an intern for New Hampshire Democratic Party Chairman Ray Buckley. 


On his one day off, the solitary reporter, on Buckley’s recommendation, attended the annual Fryeburg (Maine) State Fair, a massive undertaking featuring horse races, animals (including alpacas and llamas), fried dough, and the usual games and contests to entertain people of all ages. Fried dough is a favorite of Maine’s portly Republican governor, Paul LePage; he eats it despite his physicians’ advice. Because of his massive size, LePage is a prime candidate for diabetes.


LePage is a Donald Trump supporter who ranks as one of the most unpopular governors in our great nation. 


LePage, just like Trump, is notorious for making controversial off-the-cuff remarks. For example, LePage infamously said at a town hall meeting on January 6, 2016, that drug dealers "are guys with the name D-Money, Smoothie, Shifty; these types of guys, they come from Connecticut and New York, they come up here, they sell their heroin, they go back home. Incidentally, half the time they impregnate a young, white girl before they leave, which is a real sad thing because then we have another issue we have to deal with down the road.” Then LePage denied that his statement had anything to do with race. Read more about this at (it gets even better). 


Whenever he saw a man or woman above sixty at the Fair, the solitary reporter engaged the gent, if the man is a Maine voter, in conversation, explaining that he is a fervent Democrat. “I came to the Fryeburg State Fair,” the solitary reporter said, "to meet your governor, Paul LePage, to tell him what a jerk he is.”


Nine out of ten of the women the solitary reporter met said they are Democrats and dislike Page intensely. One of the men, upon learning that the solitary reporter is a Democrat, told the solitary reporter that he is the solitary reporter’s mortal enemy. All the women signed a petition to the Maine Legislature to impeach LePage.


In other news that didn’t happen, Venezuela declared war on the United States after Trump’s frequent denunciations of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s corrupt and authoritarian government. Maduro faces massive civil unrest after he hijacked his country’s constitution to usurp most governmental power to himself. Trump welcomed Maduro's declaration of war and, vexed by criticism of his failure to help Puerto Rico after the US island territory was devastated by Hurricane Maria, Trump sued for peace, out of fear that if he were to invade Venezuela, as he has threatened to do, the southern US would be plagued by millions of Venezuelans fleeing to Florida and Alabama and other Southern states which voted for him. Trump called Maduro and said, “Look, I won’t invade you or nuke you if you’ll take Puerto Rico off my hands. I don’t like Puerto Ricans, there are way too many of them in my home state, and they don’t speak English.” Maduro promptly accepted and then demanded reparations from Trump, who immediately renewed his threats to invade both Venezuela and Puerto Rico.


As off press time Maduro is trying to figure out what to do about his Puerto Rico problem.