Trump Fires Sessions, Tries But Fails to Nominate Mayweather as New AG

THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE, DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA — Donald Trump doesn’t read books. He just watches television, foams at the mouth whenever anyone crosses him, tells people to do things that they shouldn’t do, sends obnoxious tweets, and promptly goes back to watching television. Every once in a while he sleeps next to his third wife, Melania, who often wishes she were in her native Slovenia.


Yesterday evening, Trump watched the fight between Floyd Mayweather and Irish slugger Conchur Antonin Mac Greagoir (Conor McGregor) in Las Vegas. Mayweather won on a TKO in the tenth round. It was McGregor’s first boxing match and it was heavily hyped. Mayweather has never lost a professional boxing match, and has won fifty, and he has now retired (at least for the time being).


Associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones flew back from Kathmandu, where she was on special assignment covering Sebastian Gorka’s attempt to become a Gurkha, to attend the fight.


As soon as Mayweather was declared the winner, Trump told his Chief of Staff, General John F. Kelly, to call Attorney General Jeff Sessions to tell him that his services are no longer needed because Sessions recused himself from the Department of Justice’s investigation of Russia’s meddling in the 2016 presidential election.


Then, with Jones observing his every move, Trump tweeted that he wants Mayweather to be his next Attorney General. “I like the way he fights, and he’s never lost a single match,” Trump told Jones. “And I’m the best political fighter the USA has ever known because I’m gonna make America….."


When Jones called Mayweather, who is African American, to ask for his comment, the champ said, “Hell no! No way I’m gonna work for that racist!”


Jones told Trump about Mayweather’s comment, and Trump flew into a paroxysm of rage.


Acting Attorney General Rod Rosenstein called Special Counsel Robert Mueller and told him to go to the White House posthaste and take Trump’s deposition, but Trump’s personal attorney, Jay Sekulow, called Secret Service Director “Tex” Alles and told him that under no circumstances will Mueller or any of his staff be allowed to enter the White House, and that Trump will never be deposed, either in a deposition, or as the occupant of the White House. 


Trump told his Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, to say at her daily briefing that he won’t be going to Texas to console the victims of Hurricane Harvey. “I don’t give a s__t about Texas,” Trump told Sanders. “Just say I’ll go down there after Rosenstein fires Mueller."