Trump to Mueller: "Quit meddling in my friendship with Putin and prosecute Charlottesville's mayor instead"

BEDMINSTER, NEW JERSEY — In an early morning tweet from his luxury resort here, Donald Trump, with associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones at his side, announced that he is instructing Special Counsel Robert Mueller “to quit meddling in my rapprochement with Putin.” 


Instead, Trump’s tweet continued, “Mueller, your totally uncalled for witch hunt into my relationship with my close personal friend Vlad is done. Your only responsibility now is to pretend to investigate the activities yesterday of James Alex Fields Jr., of Maumee, Ohio, and I am assigning you to prosecute Charlottesville’s mayor, Mike Signer, for blaming yesterday’s violence on me.”


When Mueller read about Trump’s tweet in this morning’s Apocryphal News, he immediately called Deputy Attorney General Rod

Rosenstein — the man who appointed him as Special Counsel — and asked whether Trump had finally fired him.


Rosenstein’s answer was concise: “Yes. Clean out your office in ten minutes, and then the Marshal’s Service will escort you from the building.”


The executive director of the ACLU of Virginia, Tom Corsoni, announced that if anyone from the Office of Special Counsel or the Justice Department charges Signer with any acts of insurrection against Trump, the ACLU will be first in line to represent Signer.