Trump's Independence Day Executive Order Is Revealed

THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE NW (DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, which is not a state but should be) — On Saturday, we previewed Donald Trump’s executive order requiring patriotic expression.


The executive order was drafted by one of Donald Trump’s top jerks, Kellyanne Conway. It was she, as Trump's third campaign manager, who figured out that Hillary Clinton ignored Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. Conway is paid $179,000 a year to be one of Trump’s most egregious sycophants.


Early this morning, Conway showed associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones the executive order which she wrote. She placed it on Trump's desk while he was tweeting his most recent incendiary tweet, which condemned all Democrats to Purgatory (otherwise known as no hope for Dems to retake the White House in 2020).


This is the gist of the Executive Order:


(1) There shall be no gods before Trump. All humans are required to genuflect before Trump whenever they see him in person or on TV.


(2) All evangelicals are required to evangelize continuously for the Trump Dogma, which requires all Americans to bow down before Trump and to agree with all alternative facts which are explained whenever reality gets in the way of Trumpdogma.


(3) All non-evangelicals are required to praise Trump at least five times a day, especially if they are Muslims. If they are not Muslims, they are required to support all Republican ideas which Trump supports, especially the racist, sexist, and agist ones. All non-evangelicals are required to oppose gay marriage, especially if they live in the Deep South.


(4) All Jewish Americans are required to belong to the American Israel Public Affairs Committee. 


(5) All Muslims in the United States, whether or not they are citizens, are required to register with the Department of Homeland Security. If they are legally in the Unites States but are not citizens, they are required to renounce Islam. If they are citizens, they are also required to renounce Islam. If they are not supposed to be here, they must immediately report to Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly because he knows what to do with them. So does Attorney General Jeff Sessions.


(6) All atheists are required to attend an evangelical mega-church at least once a month, and like it.


(7) All those who do not fit in any of the above categories are required to register as Trumpites and do whatever he tells them to do. They are also required to attend at least one Trump rally every month, even if it requires them to travel great distances at their own expense.


(8) If Trump says something, it is true, and everyone has to acknowledge it even if no one believes it.


(9) All Korean Americans, whether citizens or permanent residents, are required to stop whatever they are doing and arrive themselves in North Korea to take out all Kim Jongun’s interballistic missile technology. If they do not do that, they will be deported to Antarctica. All North Korean diplomats in the United States are required immediately to present themselves to Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly. He knows what to do with them.


Jones spat on the executive order before Trump could see it. Conway grabbed Jones by the throat and threw her out of the Oval Office. Jones’ fall was ignored by the Secret Service, which rushed in to the Oval Office and gave Conway the Presidential Medal of Freedom.