McConnell Out As Majority Leader

Longtime Republican hack and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has resigned his leadership position, as reported to us moments ago by associate solitary reporter Melissa Smith.


McConnell prides himself on being the most knowledgeable legislator in the country on how to get legislation passed. That’s why he drafted, in secret, his bill to undo the Affordable Care Act, and then let the public and, incidentally, his Republican colleagues in the Senate look at it only on Thursday.


McConnell had promised Donald Trump and his totally inexperienced lackeys in the White House that he could ram McConnellCare through the Senate right before the Fourth of July recess. However,  he wasn’t counting on defections from Tea Party senators Ted Cruz (Texas), Mike Lee (Utah), and Rand Paul (Kentucky), as well as hyperconservative Ron Johnson (Wisconsin) and vulnerable Dean Heller (Nevada). Then, the Congressional Budget Office announced on Monday that if McConnellCare were to pass, 22 million Americans would lose their health care coverage within 10 years. This prompted vaguely sensible Republican senators such as Susan Collins (Maine), Rob Portman (Ohio) and Lisa Murkowski (Alaska) to waiver. And Colorado’s junior senator, Cory Gardner — who is number four in the Senate GOP leadership, and who didn't even vote for Trump — isn’t sure he can support McConnellCare since Colorado, under the wise leadership of Gov. John Hickenlooper, a Democrat, expanded Medicaid coverage, under the ACA, in the Centennial State.


Early this morning, associate solitary reporter Smith watched as the portentous McConnell, the least physically attractive member of the Senate (with the exception of Ted Cruz) paid a secret visit to John Thune, South Dakota’s senior senator and McConnell’s Chair of the Senate Republican Conference, the number three position in the GOP Senate leadership. Thune is the tall, good-looking dude who flanks dour Wyoming senator John Barrasso and McConnell whenever McConnell makes an on-camera announcement on whatever he is doing at the moment to try to look powerful.


“John,” a sheepish McConnell said, as Thune poured McConnell three glasses of Jack Daniels on the rocks, “I had to do a Ryan when I pulled my bill. I didn’t want to, but too damn many chickenshit colleagues won’t support me.”


“I feel your pain, Mitch,” Thune said.


“Worse yet,” McConnell continued, “Elaine says she has no idea how that nincompoop Trump can do even diddlysquat on his highway infrastructure plan.”


“Bummer,” Thune, a former star college athlete, who even now regularly runs to keep up his athletic physique, replied.


“John, I’ve had it. Will you take over as Majority Leader?”


Thune, who almost ran for president in 2012, said, “Mitch, I’ll do it, as long as you keep your ugly puss away from the cameras."


The deal has now been sealed.