What Happened Today When Trump Met With Ukraine's President

As reported earlier today on NPR, Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko (Петро́ Олексі́йович Пороше́нко) is meeting with Donald Trump today in the Oval Office.


This is interesting because Poroshenko is no friend of Trump’s close political friend, Vladimir Putin. 


So we asked associate solitary reporter Johanna Jones and our chief international correspondent, Larry Theis, to attend the meeting.


“Sir,” Poroshenko began, knowing full well that Trump knows nothing about foreign policy, “I am not only a Ukrainian nationalist, but I’m also a well-known Ukrainian oligarch. I am known in my country as The Chocolate King because I own a huge confectionary company. I own a TV channel, 5 kanal, and I have bigly (your favorite word) holdings in manufacturing, agriculture, and in the financial industry. I am a billionaire, like you, so we have a great deal in common.”


“So what? Trump responded. 


“I insist,” Пороше́нко continued, ignoring Trump’s inappropriate comment, “that Putin turn The Crimea back to me and get all his militia thugs out of Eastern Ukraine.”


“We can make a deal,” Donald Trump said, “if you go down right now to suburban Atlanta and ensure that Karen Handel wins that special election today in Tom Price’s congressional district. I don’t care how you do it, but if that punk Ossoff wins today, I’m gonna lose the House next year. Do that, and I will listen to you.”


“I’ll take care of it,” Poroshenko said.